BPDFamily.com

***Edit: I meant to post this on the "bettering" board. I'm going to leave it here, but if a mod thinks it's better there, please move it.***

I can give more details and background, or dig up some old posts that explain more, but the short and relevant part is that I have not lived at my house with my wife for any extended period of time for almost three years. We moved to where we are a little over four years ago. She blames the move and being here for pretty much everything that is wrong in her and our life.

This email is not all that different from emails I've gotten before, and this is one in a series of ALL CAPS emails tonight expressing varying degrees of anger and hopelessness. History suggests that anything I actually suggest in response will be vetoed, especially if I respond now when she is dysregulated. So I'm trying to think through the best way to respond. But I don't actually have any clear proposals, and certainly not anything new that I haven't already said. So I don't know how to answer the questions she's asking, or what the best way to respond is. Really, I don't know much of anything at this point.

Any thoughts? Advice? Help? Her email is below.  
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HEAR ME

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HEAR ME

when you close **your** eyes, how do you imagine any life together here? how do you imagine it happening? literally. practically. what does it look like every single day? five days? seven? what does it look like? can you map out the hours in the day? is it here in this chaos? in this unfinished chaos? is there ever a conversation about ANYTHING that matters? or do we just sweep it all under the rug and pretend? that is what i assume is expected.

when you close your eyes, what is the path back to this house? to sharing walls? meals? time?  what is the path? what DOES IT LOOK LIKE?  
what do you see? or what do you propose?
because if you see nothing and you have nothing to propose then that is IT. that is it. THIS IS KILLING ME. IT IS KILLING ME.
SO IF YOU HAVE NOTHING. PLEASE STOP.

So do you think she’s wanting you to move back in and live with her again?

No. Well, maybe in some possible universe, but the flavor of the email is that she can't possibly imagine me being back home, and she doesn't think I have any ideas for how to make that possible.

And I don't. At least I don't have ideas that don't involve work on her part, too.

I guess for months and months now I've been doing my best to give things some space, stay the course, and see if therapy helps. I feel like it's time to change direction, but I don't really know what direction to go. I don't want to give any ultimatums or anything, but I would like to have some clear idea of what I think needs to happen for us to be together again, and be able to either (a) talk with her about that and come to some kind of agreement (unlikely) or (b) tell her what I think in the kindest, most compassionate way possible, and then act consistently with that vision in mind.

I feel like I've just been going down the same road for a long time, and I've passed many crossroads without even really yielding. I want to try to stop at this crossroad and figure out the best direction to go.

So that's really a lot more than how to respond to an email. Maybe the email is an inflection point, or can be one.

This was really deep and hit me. I feel the conflict in this that you are facing. I truly hope you find the answer within and can move forward.