BPDFamily.com

Ok long story short I haven't talked to my ex in months. We were short term but I fell hard then she dumped me out of nowhere saying she was a depressed mess who wasn't ready to be in a relationship. We talked off and on and fought sometimes and then she ghosted me.
I made handbound journals for xmas for a group of friends that I meet with weekly to game (I know, nerd). Because she is part of that group I made her one as well our of fairness. She didn't attend the party last night for our group xmas (she has not attended the game nights for a few months, just stopped showing up) but I just found out out she rushed over to my friends house today and opened the gift I left.
I'm pissed. Please talk me down. I'm upset that I put hours of work into something and she didn't show (I didn't expect that) but she could get right over there the next day? It upsets me. I feel used.
She did text me thank you, but potentially because my friend told her to. Do I respond? We haven't talked since October with the exception that I sent her a happy xmas and she replied you too. What is the best way to react to this?
Thanks and sorry if I'm ranting. I'm trying to shake off the anger.

Thank you for reaching out to us!

I can only imagine how you must feel putting time and effort into a gift for her and not being able to see her reaction or receiving the reaction you hoped for. But heres the thing, sometimes our expectations can cause our own sense of disappointment.

A bit of self projecting here, but a lot of times, I hoped for a different reaction in my head and I, myself was sad over it. But you truly never know what the person feels inside. Recently, we had secret santa at work. I went out of my way, spent a little more than the budget and made the gift thoughtful. When I saw the person the next day she smiled and said "thank you". I was a bit sad. BUT, a couple coworkers told me when she opened it she was so happy and excited and in awe.

Maybe, your ex didnt go to the party because of the amount of pressure she felt from everyone. Maybe, she was not ready to see you? Maybe going the next day was much better for her anxiety and was less pressure and intense. Holidays do intensify anxiety, depression in people.

These are just some possibilities Ive mentioned. What do you think?

Did she tell you that your friend made her text you? Perhaps she said this, so her fear of rejection would not play.

Do you want to respond? Where do you hope this "relationship" can go with her?

Thank you for getting back to me so quickly. Yes I'm disappointed that I couldn't see her open thr gift but I think the bigger thing is that I'm still hurt that she can continuously avoid the relationship and still reap the benefits.  I'm trying to remember that she is ill, but sometimes I'm frustrated that I don't deserve to have my feelings validated in her eyes.
As far as what I want from the relationship, I don't even know. For months I've known very clearly that I wanted and missed her. Recently I have been struggling to remember things about her. How do you continue to hope for someone that begins to fade? I know  that if I were around her all those things would flood back. But now I'm questioning how long to wait for someone who shuts you out of their lives. I'm frustrated because she is killing intentionally and we haven't talked for so long I don't even know how she feels- which she may not either.

Hey Kittydarling, Things often play out differently that we expect, which is why I agree with CryWolf:


Instead, I find it helpful to let go of the outcome.  Here's an example: It used to drive me crazy when my kids would ignore my emails and decline to reply when I reached out to them.  Now, I consider my message the expression of my love and let go of any expectation or need for a reply, which avoids that passive, powerless state of waiting to hear back.  Now I don't worry about it!  You might try this technique.

LuckyJim

Yes. I think you're absolutely right. I'm going to work on this. Thank you.