Print Page - Introduce yourself

Hello. We are happy you are a reader and member of the Parent, Sibling and In-Law (PSI) board. As a virtual family here, the more we know about each others' needs the more valuable and supportive a resource we can be to one another. Even if you have been posting here for years, please participate so we can all learn about each other.

Below is a questionnaire that can help us be more equipped to offer comfort, support and insights. Just like the family we are... .

What is the type of relationship?

Parent, sibling, In-Law?

What is the status of the relationship?

Full contact- typical contact via phone, text, in person visits, living with them?
Limited Contact- Less than full contact, occasional/scheduled calls, texts, visits?
No Contact- How long has it been?

How is the current status working for you?

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?

How would you categorize your loved one?

diagnosed, undiagnosed, traits only, BPD, NPD, etc?

What do you struggle with yourself?

What are your goals at bpdfamily?

Copy the code in the boxbelow, open a new post in this thread, paste in the code, and put your answers where it says ANSWER HERE (overwrite on "Answer Here", and then post it. We are looking forward to your story!

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[b]What is the type of relationship?[/b]  
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[b]How is the current status working for you?[/b]
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[b]What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?[/b]
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[b]How would you categorize your loved one?[/b]
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[b]What do you struggle with yourself?[/b]
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[b]What are your goals at bpdfamily?[/b]
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What is the type of relationship?
Parent; mother

What is the status of the relationship?
Both parents are now deceased (2007- mom and 2009- dad) so I would say firm no contact ;)

How is the current status working for you?
I'm okay and relieved that I do not have to deal with additional abusive acts. I buried a lot of my grief when she died and then when my dad died almost 2 years later and I am being hit with that now. I think I am coping better with it today that I would have been able back then though.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Healing from the abuse. I lived in my parents home until my mid to late 30's (you would think I would remember when I moved but I am hazy on that) and my mom did a lot of distortion of reality from when I was a kid that affected/affects how I see myself, my value as a person and my basic goodness. Working here has helped with that though. My mom also sexually abused me until I was in my 30's such was my state of enmeshment, brainwashing (for lack of a better word) and dissociation.

How would you categorize your loved one?
My mom was undiagnosed BPD or uBPD but about a year and a half ago a new therapist mentioned she thought my mom was undiagnosed and untreated schizophrenic with paranoia and delusions in addition to having BPD traits. My mom never fully fit the BPD diagnosis but it was enough of a fit for me to run with it and use as a framework to heal myself and learn to protect me after I finally broke away. Schizophrenia fit after I told my therapist stories of events that included details that I had never mentioned before to any therapist. The actual label has not really changed what I need to do or how I can relate to others here. Abuse is abuse and my mom had enough BPD-ish behaviors that I get it.

My dad was the 'non' in that he was not BPD but he had something that allowed him to throw my brother and I under the bus and leave us in my mother's care knowing she was not 'right' (that is the word he used several years ago before he died when he told me he knew things were bad). He was lazy, selfish and entitled. I actually have more problems coping with what my dad did than the things my mom did.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I still struggle with how I see myself though I have come to admit that I was abused, I deserved better and that I am not inherently flawed or evil and I exist for things besides being a cautionary tale for others. This board has helped me with that even more than therapy did. It was not so long ago that I couldn't even say 'I was a victim of childhood abuse'. I don't mean I would shout it for all to hear now but I can say it and own it and not feel ashamed any more.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To continue to heal and learn about myself and who I really am or who I can be. I want to pass on what I have learned and help others along on their path as well. It gives me great joy to talk with the people here and I really believe in what we do here.

Thank you.

What is the type of relationship?
Daughter to a mother with uBPD. I have always been able to sense something was not quite right with my mom. I have feared and loved her my entire life.

What is the status of the relationship?
Currently, I am in about 4 days of No Contact. This isn't the first time I have said it, but I really want to maintain it.

How is the current status working for you?
It is painful and very emotional. I have constant tears in my eyes as I remember the pain she has repeatedly put me thru for years and release it. I am sad, but relieved in a strange way.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
She does not accept or respect my autonomy. She is never wrong. She justifies the pain she causes me as some type of shaming session where she enjoys causing me mental anguish. She knows she hurts and doesn't care, that is the hardest part.

How would you categorize your loved one?
About 6-7 years ago, I read Understanding the Borderline Mother. I wept thru the entire thing, like earth-shattering, utter bawling. I knew I was on to something. That was when I discovered and identified with my mom being BPD. I have never brought this up to her, because she would not accept it and it would cause a huge fight, all out shame bash. My mom is the witch and a queen. She splits constantly. Someone is always in her crosshairs. I try to make it not me. I try my hardest to disengage but sometimes I don't get out soon enough and the bomb explodes. She is cruel and ruthless and shames like no one I have ever met.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I distrust those I am close with. I put up a wall and it is very hard to get in. I think that if I forgive people and let them close to my heart, they are just going to hurt me anyways. I try to be agreeable. I distrust women. I have always had a hard time forming friendships with women. I feel like I can't be myself around women. I find that when I am in the presence of women, even my mom, I kind of tune out and want to get out and away as quick as I can. When I think back on it, I have always felt very insecure around women and other girls my age.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
I want to heal. I want to move towards going no contact in peace and I want the tools to do that. I want to retrain my brain to let go of some of the shame I feel so I can love my son the best I can and so I stay close to my boyfriend. He actually has a dad a lot like my mom, they are all a little different, but we relate on that level. I want to learn to trust that he absolutely loves me.

What is the type of relationship?
Parent (mother)

What is the status of the relationship?
Time-bound NC (three months). It’s been a little less than a month.

How is the current status working for you?
It’s working well. After several years of very LC (texts and emails about once or twice a week, calls maybe once every 4-6 weeks, about 2-3 visits of less than a week per year), I finally asked my mother for three months of “space” (no visits, no phone calls, no texts, no emails, and no holiday/birthday contact such as cards or gifts). Having this space has ended the cycle of being on high alert/constant fear of attack and is allowing my mind and heart to heal in unexpected ways. There have also been a few unexpected panic moments... .but being in NC helps keep me from jumping back into old patterns of needing to appease and explain when they occur. I am open to maintaining NC (or very, very LC – such as maybe one visit per year, or less) more than I have been in the past (I'm thinking I might even try continuing it for most of this year)…but I am not yet sure how I will communicate this to my mother. I may eventually find a LC that doesn’t cause re-injury (like maybe go back to blocking texts, emails, and calls and stick to scheduled calls and visits) but I am also trying not to put it on myself too much to just be strong enough to take what she mettles out, especially by a certain deadline.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Comparison and competition. My FOO has a pretty hardy golden child (my younger sib)/scapegoat (me) dynamic and it’s been difficult to find my feet both in the context of my family and in life due to constantly being put down and made to feel less than. Beyond the dynamic within our family is a sort of putting me in my place relative to the world as a whole. For a long time, I internalized this treatment and her assessments of me as "truths" about who I am and just thought I needed to toughen up and learn not to be bothered by it to get on with life…but recently, I’m learning that having this treatment come from a primary caregiver from a very young age has crowded my mind and emotional being with certain misconceptions about myself and others that I would like to work on and change, so I can be a fuller, more present, and more loving person overall.

How would you categorize your loved one?
uNPD…possibly some BPD traits as well but most of the behavior patterns that I observe are on the NPD side of things.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Isolation and grief. I have become increasingly isolated for the past ten years without understanding why but around October of last year (2018) I had a breakthrough that has lead me to learning more about how serious and pervasive the impact of PD-traited behavior can be. I feel like I have been in a state of mourning since my late 20s (I’m in my mid 30s now), and always attributed it to not hitting certain milestones (being at X level career-wise, having a partner, having kids). While I still think that not having kids without actively choosing it is part of the grief I am dealing with, I now see that it is also partially attributable to the situation in my FOO.

My hope is that one day I will become good friends with the grief I carry in this life (as I do not think it will ever go away completely) and, when I am ready, end this period of isolation, becoming the caring, supportive, and emotionally available friend and, should I be so fortunate, partner that I know I can be.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To share my journey with others so that they feel less alone and can start to unearth the mysteries behind their own situations with PD/folks with PD traits at any level in their lives. It’s also a space for sharing both the struggles and the triumphs that come with this journey with folks who understand in a way that no one else I know right now does.

Thank you for starting this thread, Harri! I look forward to hearing everyone who is comfortable sharing's stories

What is the type of relationship?
I came here originally because of my current marriage to a BPD-lite husband. Previously I was married to a ASPD/BPDonSteroids husband and in comparison, my current partner is a picnic. But prior to all that was growing up with a uBPD mom.

What is the status of the relationship?
My mom passed away in 2003, after I had moved her close to me and been in close contact for 5 years.

How is the current status working for you?
She always had some interesting link to the netherworlds. After she passed away, I had the carpet replaced in her house and I found peanut shells all over the new carpet in her bedroom. (When she got dementia, she would drop peanut shells willynilly and I was always picking them up.) Apart from appearing in a few dreams, no contact.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
I want to understand and deprogram myself from some of the toxic beliefs she instilled within me.

How would you categorize your loved one?
She was high functioning and appeared normal-ish to the outside world. She was very introverted, a hard worker and a Hermit/Witch type.

What do you struggle with yourself?
My mother didn't allow me a sense of healthy differentiation from her at a young age. I was always a reflection of her--and a project. She was determined to make me a better version of herself and didn't tolerate the fact that I had different wants and needs from what she would have wanted.

It became so intolerable to feel trapped by her expectations that I rebelled as a teenager and went no contact or limited contact for years during my twenties and thirties. Just being around her felt incredibly toxic. Toward the end of her life, I was able to care for her without feeling so encumbered and we had somewhat of a detente.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
I want to become a better communicator, share any history that might be helpful to others, dig deeper into my roots, and be of assistance to other folks, as so many here have been so kind to me.

What is the type of relationship?
7th Son of a 7th Son... .just kidding. It sounds cool though.

Single adopted son of a single mother.

What is the status of the relationship?
Mother in nursing home, ward of the county (Conservatorship) due both to distance and the accusations of criminal elder abuse my mom made against me when she was living with me and my two little kids.

How is the current status working for you?

It works, with guilt.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Visiting due to distance while raising two primary school aged children.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Severe dementia, but before that Dxd with BPD, Depression, Anxiety and PTSD. I knew about Depression when i was 17 (30 years ago). I didn't learn about the others until 3 years ago.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Guilt over abandoning her, not doing enough. Personally: being mentally healthy given being raised by a single parent with severe mental illnesses. Striving not to screw up my kids.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?

Finding family with those who have similar struggles. Supporting others to let them know that they're not alone.

What is the type of relationship?
Whole family shows traits of borderline and narrassistic personality disorder but dad may have full fledged narrassistic disorder, he is the one I am focused on interacting with now. Mom had BPD and npd died five years ago.

What is the status of the relationship?
In contact at least weekly

How is the current status working for you?
Ok, with many, many limits of what we can talk about.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Not getting totally exasperated and fed up, keeping a open heart and mind.

How would you categorize your loved one?
BPD And Npd

What do you struggle with yourself?
Keeping balance, creating healthy relationships in family, being there for them

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Learn how to stay in the winning triangle instead of drama triangle. Get support to stay involved with limits, dad is 82 I Understanding and support.

What is the type of relationship?
Mother uNpd and maybe uBPD

What is the status of the relationship?
No Contact for 1 month.
She is giving me the silent treatment but this time I am choosing to use it as a temporary NC so I can work on myself. My T also advised me it's time to take a break from her.

How is the current status working for you?
I am trying to stay strong and not break the silent treatment despite the the thoughts of guilt and fear.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Healing from the abuse and being able to maintain a LC relationship.

How would you categorize your loved one?
My mother is undiagnosed NPD and maybe BPD. I took her to a psychiatrist 4 years ago after my husband convinced her to see a doctor about her anxiety issues. After the session, the doctor asked to talk to me in private and told me she seems to have a personality disorder.

She was violent with me and my brother until we were teenagers. My father says that when she was angry she would beat me up until she was "free of the anger". I can now see that my father is an enabler and "flying monkey", and he just wanted to stay in peace with her even at the cost of his kids physical and emotional health. Now that we are adults and no longer live with her, she is very manipulative, she has rage outbursts 2 or 3 times a year followed by silent treatment.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I struggle with the anger that I feel towards my mother. The shame of what other people will think of me if I am not "taking care of my elderly mother". I live in a small city that is very family-driven - adult kids live close to their parents, etc. The fear that my mother could hurt my father just to get revenge on me as she is very jealous of our relationship. And I struggle to let myself be happy. Every time I am feeling happy I feel guilty because my mother is unhappy and I don't do a "good job to help her out".

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To move forward from Anger to Acceptance, and learn skills to maintain a LC relationship with as little fear, guilt and obligation as I can.

What is the type of relationship?
Mother, uBPD or uNPD

What is the status of the relationship?
No contact for almost 9 months (aside from a text message I sent to her to wish her a happy birthday)

How is the current status working for you?
At the moment, it is freeing for me that I don't have the stress of waiting for something to go wrong in the relationship and for that relationship, as it has happened now. I feel by being space, I can start to heal mentally and hopefully physically, continue with therapy on my own, and start gaining a voice of my own. I still stress over the current situation that I am not talking to her, that she doesn't know the full reasons as to why I am not persuing to continue the relationship as I always used to when I lived at home with her.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Healing and gaining a voice of my own. To deal with the stress and anxiety I have moving forward, and to try and not feel so guilty and focus on the positives in my life.

How would you categorize your loved one?
My mother has perhaps an undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder or perhaps a Narsistic Personality Disorder. When living with her, you can say something that can easily be construed or taken the wrong way or not give her what she needs and can be considered uncaring and inconsiderate. She is also very manipulative, from my own experience and from talking to many family members years after of their own experience.

With my stepfather and her growing up from 8 years onwards, constant arguments between them, some of them physically abusive. My biological father left when I was about 6 years old, it would be about 20 years before I reconnected to find out why.
From one of his experiences in the early 1990s when he was around and they were in an argument, she decided to takea bunch of antidepressants in one hit which meant she needed to go to hospital. When she went in for surgery to pump her stomach to get the depressents out, a doctor told my father that "he could not help her, she has a problem and you don't have the psychology training to do so". She would later be prescribed anti psychotics (for perhaps manic depression) but would later choose come off them on her own, then would spiral out of control again.

My sister and her have not spoken in the last 7 years due to the issue and was first to be confronted with the possibility my mother had BPD. That relationship broke down over my sister wanting to do something with her career that my mother didn't approve, and since has not wanted a relationship with my sister till she appologises.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I struggle with a mixture of emotions. I am sad about the situation and now that I don't have a relationship with my mother anymore. I'm anrgy with my mother that her issues got to a stage where it effected us and that she doesn't see she has a problem. I feel I have guilt for deciding not to continue communicating, and what kind of person that makes me by not having a relationship with my mother.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To overcome the guilt, to gain concrete understanding of everything in my life, and to find ways to move forward in life.

What is the type of relationship?
Parent (mother).

What is the status of the relationship?
Strained. I got mom to agree to go to therapy with me to work on our relationship. She lasted two sessions. But I'm continuing to see him (with her agreement) and am getting a great deal out of it. We are probably technically low contact.

How is the current status working for you?
It's not. I'm the one painted black and have been for many years. Our version of low contact is having a nice lunch, then mom getting upset days or weeks later about some old or new transgression, and sending an accusatory email along the lines of "I'm so looking forward to a bright future free of your abuse and contempt. I know this must make you furious, but so be it. Please do not contact me!" Which I then take as an opportunity to enjoy low contact for a while (don't throw me into that briar patch!). Lather, rinse, repeat.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
She seeks empathy and validation, but I struggle to validate her feelings when the bulk of her feelings are focused on her belief and accusations that I am cruel, abusive and neglectful of her.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Undiagnosed BPD. Diagnosed depression, anxiety. Reluctant to acknowledge alcoholism.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Sorting out what type of relationship I want to have with my mother. I can't source the needed tools and put them to work until I know what my goal is. I am slowly coming to the realization that I cannot expect her to ever view me in a better light, nor can I expect her to ever stop her abusive communications or her attempts to turn others against me. That I need to focus solely on me and my response to the situation.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To gain the insight of others and to offer insight to those who are facing issues similar to those I am facing.

What is the type of relationship?
My mother--uBPD.

What is the status of the relationship?
We are in full contact as of now. She goes through periods of LC with me, but it's mostly silent treatment since our whole family is nearby and we see each other regardless. I gave up trying to get her to hear me years ago, and I understand she will never see my point of view. Knowing this helps. She is high functioning and whatever my father and she have as a "partnership" seems to be working.

How is the current status working for you?
It's going fine. I have developed good strategies for enforcing boundaries, and I did live far, far away for a long time before moving back to the area where she and the rest of my family live. It's better this way, because I can come and go as I please rather than stay with the parents and feel trapped. I'm also a teacher, and so I am used to communicating with boundaries and with children with whom you cannot reason.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
We have a pretty good relationship. I have been "the good" child in our family, and though I have anxiety/depression issues, she and I don't fight much. I'm mostly very, very, very sad for her because I understand that she is wounded, lonely, and flailing. Also, we all (my sister, dad, brother-in-law) rotate around on "the hot seat." I knew that at some point, something big would happen between us and I'd be on the hot seat, but it didn't happen most of my adult life until 2 years ago. It was my breakthrough crisis. We got through it.

How would you categorize your loved one?
She has never recognized any sort of depression or disorder in herself, though my elementary and beyond years are not happy memories--mostly inconsistent messaging from her and her fury at times. She refused to talk about any of those possibilities with my sister and I growing up, and it was very much an elephant in the room. My dad did a good job of trying to educate us about BPD and her condition.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I am just now realizing how traumatized I am emotionally from the inconsistency and silence/fury during childhood. I have remembered and mourned (and continue to), and I am now considering how what happened might affect my role in any romantic relationships I may some day try to pursue. I don't really have the emotional energy to do so any time soon. (I'm single with no kids).

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
I'd like to continue healing (I need many reminders that all this is totally valid and I'm not overdramatizing), and develop some insights into how to relate to people close to me in a healthy way.

What is the type of relationship?
Mother

What is the status of the relationship?
Went from NC to LC to WAY TOO MUCH C and now I'm trying to get back to NC again

How is the current status working for you?
It's really, really not.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
I'm in a place of extreme financial instability and she would definitely take us in again... .and that would be hell.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Undiagnosed BPD

What do you struggle with yourself?
Anxiety, depression, emotional insensitivity (I know I'm cold to DH at times), emotional volatility, and anxiety related migraines

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
I just need somewhere people talk sanity so I can reorient myself.
I feel like I've been playing a prolonged game of pin the tale on the donkey, stabbed myself in the eye with the donkey tail, and now I just want the room to stop spinning.

I didn’t paste the whole link in my post. Here’s the rest.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Unstable, violent and highly abusive.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Anger, self worth and hopelessness, as well as blaming my parents for the course that my life has taken up to a certain point. I’m aware that this isn’t a healthy frame of thought and I’m working through that. I will get there.

Lately, as I’ve been processing all of this, the feelings are becoming quite acute at times. I can’t leave myself here, so I have to keep pushing on. I know that if I stop or give up, that I’ll leave myself in this state. It doesn’t feel good and I’m not staying here.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
My first goal is to finally heal. I’ve been carrying this stuff inside of me for decades. I didn’t really realize it until I showed up here and began to interact. This community and it’s members helped me open some very important doors in my mind. I don’t think that therapy alone would’ve been enough for me. Interacting here with peers that truly understand has made a lot of difference in the direction that I’m now taking. I was once very high on the spectrum for C-PTSD. I was a severe case coming out of the relationship with S4’s mom. I can now look at that place that I was in from a distance and this support group has played a big part in me being able to do that.

My second goal here is to hopefully be able to help others. I’ve adopted the idea of “paying it forward” with my new self. I believe that acts like this are important in the creation of healthy societies and humanities. I genuinely choose to help those in need with the knowledge and experience that I’m gaining. I have a ways to go, but that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t try.

What is the type of relationship?
Mother

What is the status of the relationship?
NC since April 2015

How is the current status working for you?
Wonderfully. It wasn't until I blocked her on my phone I realise how much dread I'd been living with whenever I saw her name on my screen. Just not having her toxic ugly ways in my life is fabulous!

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Her outrage and smearing my name to family/friends. Just recently she joined FB and has been systematically trying to 'friend' all my family/friends. Disappointed my Dad accepted her friendship on FB (they've been divorced 20 years and he knows her poisonous ways) but understood as he's an enabler

How would you categorize your loved one?
A narcissist. She had a terrible childhood and I believe that altered her normal development. Which is why I love this saying 'don't shout at the broken'.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Four years ago I would have written so much here. But by understanding life's lessons, knowing my boundaries, grieving for a Mother I never had and reconnecting and loving my inner child I'm in pretty good place.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Hopefully to be able anyone else going through the crap of being involved with a broken person.

What is the type of relationship?
My Significant Other's Ex-Wife

What is the status of the relationship?
I really don't have a relationship with her, I am here to support my SO's 2 daughters. D18 & D22. D22 has been with a very few exceptions NC with her mom since 2015 & D18 is low contact. Both have their own particular difficulties with their choices, both have learned particular behaviors from their mother, and both cope differently. In general D22 is the Golden Child and D18 the Scapegoat.

How is the current status working for you?
Minimal contact is working very well soo much less drama!

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Knowing how to best support the girls in various situations with their mom. I started out on the co-parenting board but naturally migrated to this one. Everyone here has helped me get a better understanding of what the girls may be experiencing, and have helped me avoid accidental pitfalls. I appreciate all everyone shares, you all Rock!

How would you categorize your loved one?
The girl's mom I would describe as a Queen/Waif just depends on the situation. If she can't get what she wants by bullying (Queen) then she goes into victim (Waif) mode.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Not a lot these days, the girls are older, mom is less in the picture so it's usually just a random monkey wrench that gets thrown my way.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
I'm not here/posting as often as I used to but I like to support others (pay back what has been given to me) and still bounce things off you all when I need to.

Panda39

What is the type of relationship?
Parent, mother

What is the status of the relationship?
Full contact- typical contact via phone, text, in person visits,

How is the current status working for you?
It’s working out okay. She sometimes abuses the ability to text me whenever she wants, but she doesn’t call - ever. So that is sort of nice! I am the one to call her. If she starts texting me a lot, I usually pick up the phone and spend 15 min on the phone. That will slow down the texts.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
I am getting married this year, so lots of things related to wedding planning. She claims I hate her and want her to look bad at the wedding. That sort of stuff.

How would you categorize your loved one?
undiagnosed

What do you struggle with yourself?
I have diagnosed Bipolar 1, and it’s hard not to blame her for it. I also have a lot of guilt and sadness about it all. I am struggling with what to do with all the hurtful memories

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
My main goal is to have a space to talk about what happened and where to go from here with people that understand. Friends and even other family members don’t always get it... I also want to share what has helped me with other people who are struggling.

What is the type of relationship?
Mother with uBPD

What is the status of the relationship?
Still in regular contact, but withdraw at times to protect myself.

How is the current status working for you?
While on the one hand I prefer having some contact rather than none, it does tend to lead to distress at times, so I find it is a balancing act.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
I still love her and care about her, but I can also feel like I am walking on eggshells never quite knowing when the next irrational meltdown will happen. I have effectively been in a parental role with her since I was a very small child. I know this is a form of enmeshment and have been working at extricating myself from it. She was extremely harmed by her own mother who acted out in cruel ways towards her, so it is like I see this helpless, small and broken child in my mother. It is hard not to want to try and help her, but at the same time I have to recognise there are limits to this and I can only do so much, and that sometimes you have to take care of yourself first before you can help others. Reconciling the parts of her that can be kind with the parts that can be cruel with the intent of harm is the most difficult thing for me.

How would you categorize your loved one?
uBPD - the Jekyll and Hyde model definitely fits, and interestingly she describes her own mother as having these two faces and yet seems unable to recognise it in herself (or possibly vaguely recognises it but can't own it as a reality).

What do you struggle with yourself?
I've realised my pattern of adult relationships has in a number of cases reflected the dynamics I've had with my mother. I've had people look to me as their parent when I am meant to be their peer, and of course I've fallen right into the trap of filling a support role with them, often at the expense of my own well-being. I am seeing this more and more clearly, and recently let go of two friendships where I realised I was supporting people who in one case seems to also be uBPD, and in another case uNPD. It is amazing how many years it took me to pick these things up and grasp them for what they are. I'm now focussing on the friendships that I can clearly recognise as healthy, balanced ones. I've also been frightened of intimate relationships because I get so confused about who I can trust and not trust, and can feel like I'm in danger with people who might actually be trustworthy, while other times trusting people it turns out I shouldn't have. It is like I feel very vulnerable and that I could get myself unwittingly into a dangerous and distressing situation, so I sometimes withdraw and have to go out into nature to get away from it all. I really feel more safe in nature and with animals than I do with people.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To keep learning about what I am dealing with. Reading the resources on this site and posts from other people has been really helpful already. It is validating to know I am not alone and that many of us are dealing with similar challenges. I'm also happy to post from time to time with anything I find helpful.

I am a 51 yo married mom of a 13 year old, who has some challenging issues, though not MH issues.

What is the type of relationship?
my parents

What is the status of the relationship?
Father: Dad exhibited some appalling behavior after mom's stroke so my sister and I do not speak to him or see him (unless I forget to check caller ID on Christmas Day) :\
Mother: I am a caretaker but not heavy duty. She had a stroke, then dad dumped her in a nursing home and went off and got remarried, and I moved her near me. She lives in assisted living but I manage her financial affairs, go to some medical appts., otherwise limit contact to holidays and events and do not get emotionally entangled in her everyday dramas.

How is the current status working for you?
With dad, his works just great. Just talking on the phone feels like a Monty Python skit so I don't bother.
Mom: Stroke always seems to exacerbate issues, I'm told. I've managed to learn good boundary setting with mom from this experience though--, telling her when I think she is capable of dealing with problems on her own, or that I cannot deal with a problem so she will have to find another source of help. So I am OK right now, even though I know she pines to spend hours of quality time together each day watching Alaskan Bush People. :D

Only sad because after my son was born and they retired, they were enjoying being more hands-on grandparents, and helping us out as they could with house projects and a little child care (albeit on a very short leash). So there is global loss of course.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
With dad- Just knowing that as he nears 80 his time may be short and I can't seem to be able to forgive him or even really talk to him. Scared of how I will respond when he passes.

With mom- some cognitive decline seems to be setting in and I can see this getting ugly so am starting to look into other care options as her current assisted living can't really deal with it if it gets worse. I know she pretty helpless (100% pure victim) and could not bring myself to leave her in a depressing NH far from family, but do not have the emotional ability to attend to her as much as she would like. She is too self-centered, and I have a hard time stomaching it. I set boundaries fine now but she can do less and less for herself, and I feel like in my current emotional state I give her as MUCH as I can--but she is kind of a bottomless pit and I can't get too near the edge. And it is only going to get worse as confusion seems to be setting in.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Father very likely uBPD, no known HX of trauma,
Mother, abuse survivor, with alcoholic, possible BPD father (my maternal GF)

What do you struggle with yourself?
Self care. VERY bad at it. I don't even allow myself much fun unless a family member initiates it. GOAL: I will attain balance, stronger self-compassion and self-understanding, and better relationship skills, plus enjoy life more, and because I am stronger, will be able to give more to my community. Also will feel closer to my family, stick with friendships through inevitable hurts, feeling safe in the world as I learn how to stand up for myself.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Connecting with some peers to work on goal-setting, reality-checking and sharing as I learn to treat myself like someone who deserves to live a full life--inner and outer. Celebrate progress and commiserate setbacks.

Just reading your stories is SO powerful.

What is the type of relationship?
Mom

What is the status of the relationship?
No Contact for one year.

How is the current status working for you?
I'm happy for the space to work on me. There are sad days, I am still grieving some things, but I don't miss the constant feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Emotional manipulation.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Not diagnosed, has a lot of vulnerable NPD/BPD and codependent traits. She is always the victim, whether it's a job, family, or social situation.

What do you struggle with yourself?

I have internalized Mom's accusations over the years that I'm selfish and hurtful, and I often carry the feeling that I'm disappointing others.
Catching myself in a disagreement with my husband thinking or saying something a little too black/white.
My accomplishments have often been seen as threatening to my mother, and I still hear her voice calling me selfish when I pursue something that I would like. I am trying to regrow some of the parts of me I had previously "pruned'.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?

Support through some of the ups and down.
Sharing my own story in hopes that something will resonate with others, in the same way that others' stories have resonated from me and given me some aha moments.
I also find that encouraging others on their journey here is a way to reinforce positive self-talk and break out of FOG thinking patterns.

What is the type of relationship?
Sister, I am the youngest sister. She is 62, brother is 60 and I am 49, so there is a generation gap in play.

What is the status of the relationship?
Very recent No Contact- still working on it because our mom is in a nursing home. Brother has the power of attorney. I just learned my sister is likely a pwBPD a few weeks ago so all this info is light bulbs going off.

How is the current status working for you?
I am still working on boundaries, forgiveness, grudges and my anger and embarrassment about it.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Yelling at me about things related to our mom in a nursing home that I have no control over and also her lies and attacking me verbally about not reacting to her suicide text threat the way she wanted me too . She is mad our whole family knows now because I feel you don't get to play the emotional blackmail card and keep it a secret, especially when you visit our mom alone at her care facility where they let you close the door to her private room. Before the nursing home there were enmeshment/co-dependent issues between sister and mom and constant fighting. She treated out elderly mother like she was her therapist, constantly emotional dumping and took money from her. I am not going to be her new emotional dumping ground.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Undiagnosed pwBPD but in therapy and on medications for anxiety and depression.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I go back and forth feeling sorry for her and totally pissed at her- I question my own sanity esp when in F.O.G..

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To learn about BPD and gain coping strategies. I helps to write about it, get feedback and to see that others have very similar struggles. Misery loves company. This site is treasure trove of info and help!

What is the type of relationship?
The person in my life is my mother.

What is the status of the relationship?
I think limited contact best describes it. I see her on holidays, I text or call when it feels like it has been too long. Occasionally there are other in person visits in between the holiday gatherings. It really ebbs and flows with her current status.

How is the current status working for you?
I sometimes struggle with it. I feel like I have to strategize when I reach out to her and when she reaches out to me I know it's because she needs support, not because she just misses me. It's hard but I'm growing in my acceptance and allowing some distance where I used to always try to swoop in to "save" her and provide advice she was asking for with no intention to use it. It can be exhausting. I'm learning to change what I can control.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Knowing that I can't just reason with her. Now raising my own children I see much more clearly the differences in how I am and how other family members are with my children. I struggle with watching her repeat the same pattern over and over and accepting that she can't see the pattern or that she is the common denominator in situations.

How would you categorize your loved one?
I believe she was officially diagnosed (but in denial) or quit therapy before the official diagnosis was given. Her explanation to me was that the therapist discussed this diagnosis with her, the therapist was wrong, she stopped going.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Healing and being able to talk about the past or find words to express how I feel. Sometimes I don't even know how I feel or can't immediately process situations.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To connect with others in relatable situations to realize I'm not alone. I'd also like to be able to access the tools here to help me heal and find the strength to accept help where I need it.

What is the type of relationship?
uBPD sister-in-law and enmeshed brother

What is the status of the relationship?
Low contact. My husband doesn’t want contact, but I’m trying to maintain some communication about my elderly mom’s care.

How is the current status working for you?
Difficult. Sister-in-law is hurt that we don’t see them socially more often. I’m having trouble maintaining light contact as she is always hurt or angry, upset about my husband avoiding them (even though she has had conflict with him in the past and they’re like oil and water) and my brother is always mad at me (she gets him riled up)

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
The wedge driven between my brother and I, especially now that my Mom is in hospice care. I want to make the most of the time we have with her, but the conflicts with my sister-in-law and brother take up time and energy. I’ve had a roller coaster ride taking care of my mom, losing two friends and my dog in the past 3 months, and also received a threatening letter from my other brother, who is a substance abuser. In the midst of all this, my sister-in-law makes it all about her. I feel like I am losing my whole family (except husband)

How would you categorize your loved one?
uBPD high functioning. Would never think she has BPD.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Not bending over backwards to make her feel better, always doing things on her terms. I have always been a peacemaker/ rescuer... now trying to take care of myself (and my mom) Fear, Obligation and Guilt! I am realizing I must tolerate discomfort to keep my boundaries. I am finally learning to protect myself.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Learning helpful communication skills. Also learning about my own role in the drama! I am finally learning that I can’t take responsibility for others problems. And that my own defensiveness can make things worse.

What is the type of relationship?
Daughter to a uBPD mother and extremely eGrandmother

What is the status of the relationship?
NC with both

How is the current status working for you?
I'm certainly less stressed and anxious. I am struggling with some guilt though. Currently seeking therapy.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
her inability to allow me (28yo) to make my own decisions without an out-lash if they go against what she approves of. Also her intense denial of the hurt that she's caused me while demanding a "loving, close mother/daughter relationship)

How would you categorize your loved one?
uBPD Witch/Waif

What do you struggle with yourself?
What the future holds for my mother/grandmother, and I. No signs of them changing or getting help. I'm less stressed when I'm not in contact with them so what does that say about me. How do I proceed?

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Get some validation and clarification of my feelings and needs. Seeing that it is OKAY to take care of myself over her.

What is the type of relationship?
I am the only child (son) of a BPD mother.

What is the status of the relationship?
Emotionally, non-existent. Logistically, she is constantly interfering with my happiness and sense of peace through abusive behaviors such as verbal assaults as well as hate filled email and text messages.

How is the current status working for you?
It is not. I have tolerated her attacks in the past because I didn't know what else I could/should do and in some ways she conditioned me that I was somehow partly at fault. Her recent behavior has moved toward imaginary events for which I cannot rationally be held accountable. This pivot forced me and my family to seek out professional help to better understand what is happening. My therapist has diagnosed my mom as having BPD and likely narcissistic disorder.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Decades of abuse that continues well into my adulthood and is incredibly disruptive to my life and my family. I lose hours or days to fights.

How would you categorize your loved one?
My mother is a unique blend of waif and witch. She is wildly unstable and I fear her outbursts constantly.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I don't know what to do. She demands access to our child and we are resisting. Having recently discovered her diagnosis has dug up a series of terrible memories from my childhood that I was happy to have ignored. I am sad, hurt, angry and full of despair. The despair comes from the idea that this will not end until she passes on. I could face this abuse for 20-30 more years. I want to have her out of my life but I don't know how to do that and stick to it because it's such a definitive action to cut all ties with a parent.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
A need a community where I can get ideas and support. I need to hear from others how you cope, how you stop the abuse.

Thank you for listening.

What is the type of relationship?
Parent - Mother

What is the status of the relationship?
We talk sporadically, mostly when I have a reason/need to or holidays and birthdays.

How is the current status working for you?
Mostly okay. The rareness of calls gives me space to work on myself and heal from abuse/prepare for future interactions. There are other complicating factors at work though.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Right now, my mother is not in treatment, and is in a prolonged, entrenched abusive cycle with my father, who is the abuse victim. He is showing signs of wanting help, but getting through her to him is proving difficult and stressful for my brother and I.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Undiagnosed, but suspected based on feedback from several therapists my brother and I have had.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Self-confidence, worthiness of love from others, feeling powerless to help those I love.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To try and find suggestions/ideas for how to help myself, and how to support both parents, as well as, what's the right word... comfort? validation?... in the knowledge I am not the only person who has been through things I've been through.

What is the type of relationship?
Mother, Sister, exHusband and ex boyfriend

What is the status of the relationship?
mom deceased, sister and I have limited contact, divorced from husband and boyfriend are no longer together after 1 year's time.

How is the current status working for you?
Probably good that my mom is deceased with the recent revelation she most likely had BPD. limited contact with sister is working good for me. Relieved to be divorced from ex husband, still in the grieving process with my exbf.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Acceptance that this excruciatingly painful disorder has to hijack a good person inside and tear apart the relationship (ex boyfriend).

Healing from the emotional abuse from my mother. Her silent treatments were painful. I took them personally as a child growing up. Now I have to learn that it wasn't personal but it is so deeply rooted in me. It was her way of dealing with her emotions. She slammed cupboards all the time. I am afraid of angry people and it made me over responsible and set me up for people pleasing. I am way better than I was but every now and then I will default to that type of behavior.

Ex Husband 24 year marriage. There were silent treatment's and cold emotional withdrawl, criticism in a passive aggressive way, and he had multiple affairs. It's been 5 years since the divorce and I am still healing from the abuse. Memories will come back. New awarenesses take place in regards to his lying about the affairs as well as his criticism.

From my sister, it's more of you never know when she will take something personal and go over the top with her emotions. This is why I have the limited contact. It's working well for me.

How would you categorize your loved one?
mother - undiagnosed low-functioning (disability claim), sister - diagnosed low-functioing (disability claim), ex-husband - undiagnosed highly functioning BPD traits at minimum, exbf Undiagnosed low-functioning (disability claim).

What do you struggle with yourself?
Healing the shame that goes along with being abused. self-esteem. confidence.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Continue to heal and offer my story and hopefully wisdom and hope like so many here can do with only just a few words.

Thank you.

:hi:

What is the type of relationship?

Parents, grandparents, brothers, ex.

What is the status of the relationship?

Parents, grandparents all dead, brothers disowned, NC.

How is the current status working for you?

I wish my parents were here to answer questions, NC with brothers (5yrs) works for me, I do not see this changing.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?

With my brothers, to simply stay away. With other family, acceptance and understanding.

How would you categorize your loved one?

Mother- low functioning, possible BPD (ouch)
Father- alcohol dependent, high functioning, physically and mentally abusive.
Grandmother- evil
Brother 1- high functioning, alcohol dependent, high traits of narcissism and sociopath
Brother 2- high functioning, alcohol dependent, high traits of narcissism
Brother 3- low functioning, paranoid schizophrenic (deceased-suicide).

What do you struggle with yourself?

Very traumatized (CPTSD). Low self worth/esteem, low confidence, seek validation from outside, dissociation, core shame, denial.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?

To help my children not to make the same mistakes, to put a stop to generational dysfunction, to learn and grow, to gain knowledge and experience, to understand, to come to terms, to accept.

LT.

What is the type of relationship?
Daughter of BPD mother. She was officially diagnosed 5 yrs ago. 25 years ago my therapist at the time thought my abusive mom might have bpd.

What is the status of the relationship?
Flip-flopping from NC to LC as an adult. Past few years have been pt care giver. Went full contact until recently. Trying to be LC while care giving.

How is the current status working for you?
It's the best I can do with elderly, scared to die, parents. Have a much older brother who refuses to help -- not happy with that. He's been just as bad as bpd mom with his disdain of me throughout my life.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Keeping a balance: Knowing when to stay LC and when to reach out to offer a little support and affection.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Never satisfied with anything - herself, others or objects. Controlling and manipulative. Great with put downs of my looks and personality. Extremely depressed.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Self-care. Finding suitable friends. Setting boundaries with bpd mom who wants me with her 24/7 and has rages when I leave to go home.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Giving and finding support to other who have been traumatized by a bpd family member. Making some headway with my struggles above.

What is the type of relationship?
Sister In Law SIL

What is the status of the relationship?
Low contact, lives in our home.

How is the current status working for you?
Working for now.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Manipulation, lying, rages.

How would you categorize your loved one?
She has been clinically diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. I have seen the bipolar symptoms but that doesn't explain her anger, and rages. Nothing anyone does is good enough. She is a perfectionist and if she organized something you better put it back the way it was or she'll be upset.

What do you struggle with yourself?
We just moved to a new state after living 10 years in the previous one I had friends, a support network. Once we moved I became depressed. I am working on my self esteem, and trying to find a job. I was raised as a Catholic, but lean towards the spiritual. I enjoy learning about different religions. I do my best to stay positive, I listen to positive affirmations, I love and read and follow Louise Hay, and Abraham Hicks and Wayne Dyer, and listen to Kelly Howell.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To learn how to live with this BP. How to react to the BP. To change how I react to the actions of the BP and to have better reactions.

What is the type of relationship?
Mother, sister and exbf.

What is the status of the relationship?
Mother has passed. Sister I have limited contact. We talk on the phone about once a year.

How is the current status working for you?
It's pretty good. She drains my energy. It's usually all about her and I end up doing most of the listening. I don't trust sharing my feelings with her b/c she has a habit of talking to others about my business.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
I wish I could have a closer r/s with her. I feel connected but I have to be reserved. I wish she didn't drain my energy.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Sister has been diagnosed with BPD. She went through intensive therapy and she did improve her behavior a lot but occasionally will disregulate and acts out on her abandonment feelings and end up hurting others. Mother was never diagnosed but I think she had moderate to severe at times BPD traits.

What do you struggle with yourself?
The effects of being raised by two BPD care takers. Neither of them were emotionally available growing up. My mom was a rager. She slammed cupboards and things. I was not physically abused but emotionally abused by her with her silent treatment towards me. It was very painful. I ended up marrying someone who did the same thing she did to me and put up with it for waaaay too long. I am kind of mad at myself for doing that. I focused a lot of my childhood trying to make my mom happy. Consequently, didn't learn how to take care of my own needs. That has improved since going Al-anon meetings on a regular basis for many years. I sometimes wonder if I have some traits myself. I have not had healthy r/s's. I have a tendency to pick men who are abusive. Particularly emotional abuse. I have not met anyone since my break up with with my exUBPDbf. That was about 1 year and 4 mos ago. I am kind of anxious about dating again but I think this time I will pay attention to the red flags. It's been a pretty rough road for me as far as the male r/s end of things. I definitely will be friends only for a period of time.

What are your goals at bpdfamily? It offers support when I struggle with missing my exUBPDbf. It's a good reminder to me when I read how others are struggling to be grateful that I don't have that stress in my life any more. I would like to give back to others the support that I received but I feel that I don't often have the words to be helpful.

What is the type of relationship?
- My sister.

What is the status of the relationship?
- We are in contact few times a week and we live in the same city.

How is the current status working for you?
- Not well, her behavior is effecting my well being and starting to became hard to handle.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
- Her constant self harming, constant suicide attempts.

How would you categorize your loved one?
- Diagnosed

What do you struggle with yourself?
- This situation has been going on for years, but few days ago she tried to kill herself again. She spend few days at the mental hospital. Somehow this affected me more than usually and I had kind of a breakdown. I got overwhelmed with everything and couldn't sleep for days and I had to take some sick leave.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
- I wish to learn and find a ways to cope with this situation. I wish to talk to people who have similar situations.

What is the type of relationship?
mother

What is the status of the relationship?
Currently full contact, as she's 83, had a recent fall with fractures, and I've been involved in a lot of meetings setting up community care supports for her so that I am less tempted to get sucked down the rabbit hole of FOG to do everything for her that community care supports can do. She of course is resisting these supports. Last summer I was NC for over 3 weeks, and then LC until her fall.

How is the current status working for you?
OK at times, and not OK at other times. It's a roller coaster. A lot of survival mode. I've noticed my wellness is tied to my mom's wellness on any given day.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Setting boundaries, FOG, less JADEing, radical acceptance...forgiveness, all as my mom's failing health progresses. My cognitive self understands these things, but my mom is always one step ahead of me and never fails to find new ways to disrupt my life. I also feel like she deep down hates me.

How would you categorize your loved one?
High functioning uBPD Waif, with an occasional dash of Queen and the smallest pinch of Hermit.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Radical acceptance that the mom I always thought I had, never existed. It all hit me this summer like a jackhammer. I always thought I was pretty well adjusted. Accepting my new real mom and all that goes with that is a painful process. I resent her, I resent being trapped by her, and I resent having to care for her (she's an 83 yr old Waif). I'm struggling with a lifetime of memories and resentments, and in awe of my deceased father who was a caring and hard working family man. Because she was high functioning, I feel like nobody in the community who knows us has a clue. I can only hope they have eyes to see with, and ears to hear with. She's pretty "special". I fear being judged by other people in case mom leads them to think I don't do enough for her.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Stop feeling so alone. Learn and process. Move on. Feel less guilty. Let go of the resentment. Learn to detach.

What is the type of relationship?
uBPD/NPD Dad

What is the status of the relationship?
Estranged.

How is the current status working for you?
Well. I mourned the loss for a long time. I tried a casual meet up but I hated having to remind myself who he actually is, once it was over. I don’t feel like doing that all the time.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
n/a

How would you categorize your loved one?
uBPD or uNPD

What do you struggle with yourself?
Depression and anxiety. Perfectionism. Shame. Needing to be the solution. Self-sabatoge.
I don’t know how to love myself. I have a terrible view of myself. Avoidant Attachments. Motivation.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Really just looking for more tools to put on my metaphorical belt. I’ve been walking the path to freedom for a couple years now. Someone in a therapy group told me to look into BPD fathers and long story short, here I am.

My main goal is to get healthy. I want to be able to be successful. I want to be able to be a good friend. I want to be able to be relied on. I want to be able to do this work so my kids don’t have to.

What is the type of relationship?
mother with BPD/narcissism, 2 of 3 sisters with narcissist/bpd tendencies.

What is the status of the relationship?
limited contact with mother and narc/bpd siblings

How is the current status working for you?
Very well.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
My sisters are trying to pressure me into doing care taking duties for my aging mother which I am not willing or able to do.

How would you categorize your loved one?
My mother's is undiagnosed BPD, and was very abuse. Her crazy behaviors have mellowed, and she is no longer abusive, but now she is elderly and frail, and losing the ability to be independent. My youngest sister, who is domineering and grandiose, is trying to control the situation (from a distance, she lives in another state), and set up medical interventions for our mother, and trying to get me to be physically involved in all this.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I want to learn to set boundaries in a calmer fashion. I want to get over the fear of making people in my family mad at me.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
I want to learn to set strong healthy consistent boundaries with my mother and siblings.
I want to get over all fear, obligation, and guilt.
I want to get over the fear of making other people mad at me because that makes it tough to set healthy boundaries.
Overall, I want emotional detachment from these people.

What is the type of relationship?
I strongly suspect my mother is uBPD as well as my brother, but my issues are primarily with my mother. I've spent my life trying to understand my mother's behavior without any resolution. Then, thanks to counseling, I began learning about BPD (something I had never heard of before) and I've spent the last 6-7 months researching it. I'm wholeheartedly convinced my mother is a waif/hermit mother. My father is the typical passive parent married to a BPD who doesn't have a spine, and wouldn't stand up for us ever, even in our darkest moments.

What is the status of the relationship?
The relationship goes in and out of no contact. The most recent period of no contact was about 6 months long. These periods of no contact really emotionally impact my brother is a very negative way, so I do my best to remain in contact, even if it is superficial. I also struggle with my relationship with my father. His passivity by default creates no contact with him, even though my issues are mostly with my mother.

How is the current status working for you?
It causes me some anxiety. I bounce between the idea of wanting to have a relationship with my family and the reality of knowing it will never be healthy or normal. I am getting better through therapy at coming to terms with this. With that, with resumed contact, I am working on limited, managed communications and I am hoping it makes a difference.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Her inability to see responsibility in anything she does.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Needy, lonely, manipulative, emotional, illogical

What do you struggle with yourself?
Coping with the idea that my family is not normal and that it never will be - that I will never have a loving and happy family like the ones I see on TV.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To find comfort in knowing I'm not alone (which I felt for decades), and any advice or ideas to help cope with these issues in a healthy and productive manner.

What is the type of relationship?
I think that my mom is at least close enough to BPD for me to be at my whit's end, even if she doesn't check all the boxes.

What is the status of the relationship?
We have been NC for about a month. She said that she is done with me, but I strongly suspect that I will have to decide pretty soon if we are going to continue NC when her current episode passes. I am strongly leaning toward NC for at least 6 months to give me time to heal and figure out how to protect myself.

How is the current status working for you?
I am so sad and feel a little bit ripped in half, but at the same time more at peace than I have been for years. I feel free to be myself and enjoy my own life. It's awesome :)

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Not letting her words, beliefs, and unpredictability affect my marriage and my opinion of myself.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Sometimes a wonderful person, sometimes so hurtful, confusing, and illogical that I have a hard time reconciling her two sides.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Not letting fear of her control my life.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To come to terms with something I have struggled with for years, to heal, and hopefully achieve a healthy relationship with my mom, in time.

What is the type of the relationship?

Adult survivor/Adopted Mother

What is the status of the relationship?

Have terminated all contact with her, siblings, and all extended Family member of my adopted mother.

How is the current status working for you?
I feel like I am isolating. I find I have a lot of dysfunctional thoughts of worthlessness. The effects of my trauma are affecting my family life with my husband.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
My biological sister and mother are still in a relationship with her. I am always worried I will see them out and about. She financially ruined me. I am emotionally drained.

How would you categorize your loved one?
She is like the Don of a mafia family. If you do something she doesn't like, you're ostracized. If you do something that really makes her happy she will let you in. She can pit the whole family against you because it is better to be in than out. She can be charming but she is truly an evil woman. I left before she had a chance to kick me out.

She also, wouldnt let my husband, the father of my child, to any family functions. When my daughter began crying because daddy couldn't come to Christmas...I left

What do you struggle with yourself?
I dont believe in myself. I go into crisis quickly. I always feel like people will abandon me.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
I do not plan to ever reconcile. I just want to grow as a mom, spouse, and healthy self.

What is the type of relationship?
Mother udbpd
Older Brother possible udbpd as well I only post about him in relation to mom dynamics. He is lc with me and its working well.
Back to mom...

What is the status of the relationship?
NC for 10 months (Open ended, as no formal closure or letter or communication has happened after our last texts in March.) Recently I thought I saw her in the grocery store and I hid. This tells me I have some more work to do...

How is the current status working for you?
For the first time in my life, my life is completely my own. It's an unnerving calm that I am not completely used too. The nc was not a difficult decision to come to, but I find it is hard to maintain because it is still new.
I deal with FOG (Fear obligation and GUILT) when I am alone in my thoughts.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
When we were talking, it felt like she always had to be right, and her bottomless need for validation left me feeling empty. I could give and give, feel absolutely positive about our exchange and the next moment be listening to a woman that said "I don't know the real her, I'm not close enough to her, and that I am a liar.
The NC challenge is not knowing what my channel for love is to her.
Knowing that I am keeping her from her only grandchild.

How would you categorize your loved one?
UBPD (on a spectrum, like so many other disorders) Sometimes I think but is she really all that difficult?

What do you struggle with yourself?
Being assertive. Having good self-esteem. Hiding my joy in my life because I know that my mom (and other family members are not joyful.)

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Vent, reflect, decide what is good for me. What I NEED.
Be there for others and engage in this community.

What is the type of relationship?
Parent (Mother) with uBPD

What is the status of the relationship?
LC from May 2019-July 2019, NC since July 2019

How is the current status working for you?
It's working okay, I still think about our relationship a lot and feel guilty about a lot of things.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Setting/maintaining boundaries

How would you categorize your loved one?
I wasn't made aware of my mothers borderline tendencies until I was 22. My parents got divorced when I was in high school (about age 14/15), and my mom was very emotionally and mentally abusive towards me and my siblings because of that. She's very controlling and manipulative and can be very much hot and cold most of the time.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Establishing my own individuality apart from my mother and having that independence.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To work through past trauma and work through the lasting effects that my mothers uBPD has left on me.

What is the type of relationship?
Mother, uBPD of the Empty/Dependent type.

What is the status of the relationship?
2.5 months into limited contact- we still text and see each other once a week for family lunch. Things went severely south about 3 months ago, and I've moved in with my father (parents are both divorced and remarried) temporarily while I start looking for a place of my own.

How is the current status working for you?
My god, the relief is insane. Not having to jump at shadows, not having to account for my whereabouts all the time, not having to hover over my phone when I'm out with friends for fear that she'll text, asking me when I'm coming back. Not having to bite my tongue when she says something hurtful or distorted. There are feelings of guilt, yes, and a big part of me that misses her (the Good her, the one I have 10000 hobbies in common with), but for once in my life I'm able to breathe.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Currently, navigating wheedling requests to come back and stay for awhile so that I can leave again 'on good terms', aka her terms. Balancing the desire for parental approval of my very first romantic partner with the desire for said partner not to get caught in the crossfire, since disapproval of him is a big reason why my mother started splitting drastically over the past year.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Diagnosed with other things over the years: PTSD, Depression, Anxiety disorders. It wasn't until a therapist dropped the BPD term (only today- I move quickly, don't I?) that I had a lightbulb moment that this has been an ongoing problem, and not one triggered by some of the tragic experiences she's had in the course of her life.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Guilt. These three months have been a roller coaster in terms of me finally coming to the conclusion that I am not my mother's keeper, and deciding to claim a life for myself. Breaking isolationist habits. Unlearning some of the learned behaviours (lack of self-esteem, conflict-triggered anxiety attacks, hyper-vigilance) that I never noticed in myself while I was living with her, but have started to become apparent with distance. Reclaiming forgiveness and compassion- even though I understand that on some level she's suffering, repeated threats and verbal abuse mean I've grow a thicker skin. I still fear I may not respond quickly enough if she carries through with one of her threats.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To find an understanding space. To maybe learn how to communicate better with my mother from people further along the road than me. To, hopefully, start healing.

What is the type of relationship?
Mother with undiagnosed BPD

What is the status of the relationship?
Currently no contact after Christmas disaster

How is the current status working for you?
I feel calm at the moment because I am not communicating with her, but I don't know what the long-term plan is.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
How to go forward as my mother ages. She is 70-years-old and has three grandchildren. (I have two children and my sister just gave birth.)

How would you categorize your loved one?
Undiagnosed BPD. She was doing pretty well the past two years but has now "relapsed". I now realize that our relationship was more functional because I was sick with a disease and she was in the role of hero-caretaker. Now that I am getting well and getting my life back, she is dysfunctional again.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I struggle with being the designated "all-good" child who was expected to parent her own mother.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To learn coping skills for how to deal with my mother, and how to protect my children (her grandchildren) and my husband from her dysfunction.

After 40 years of dealing with a dysfunctional mother, it is only after this past Christmas that I truly understood what I am dealing with: a mother with BPD. She visited my family for Christmas, along with my father. (We live in Canada and she and my father are in the U.S.) As she has done for every Christmas as long as I can remember, she got triggered and spent most of the day in a dissociated state. This was deeply triggering to me. By the end of the day she was fighting with me, and then with my husband the following day. It is clear that she sees my marrying him (ten years ago) as an abandonment and rejection of her. She attacked him as a horrible father who hates his son and should have his/our children taken away because he yells at them. She has chosen her grandson as "the victim" and it is clear that she pathologically identifies herself with him and my husband as an aggressor akin to those from her own past (her own mother and MIL). (For the record my husband is an incredible father.) Since Christmas I have been reading every book I can find on BPD, and have learned that I am the "all-good" child of a BPD "hermit" mother with a father who is the "huntsman" (all categories from the incredible book, "Understanding the BPD Mother"). To make a story of 4 decades "short," I have been expected to parent my own mother for my whole life, and my father's excuse for her deeply dysfunctional behavior is that she "had a hard childhood." Frankly I am tired of this excuse. I have had to suffer my whole life because of her difficult childhood, and my father has been deeply in denial. However, after Christmas he cannot be in denial any more, as he was witness to her deranged attacks on her son-in-law. I feel deep shame, but at the same time freedom in realizing that by naming the problem (BPD) there is a way to make sense of the chaos. After she ruined Christmas, and she went back to her own home, she proceeded to send disordered emails to me and my husband. I wrote back a very sharply-worded message in which I told her to seek treatment for a personality disorder and to not contact me again until she has an appointment with a therapist. I also laid out all the pain she had caused us over the holiday, and over the years. I am now feeling guilty for having written this message, because I have been made to feel responsible for her pain my whole life and I can only imagine she is pained by my angry message. I also exploded at her on Christmas Day. I am not typically an angry person, and I have never been violent towards anyone, but I clearly have so much anger bottled up in me for what she has put me through, and how she is now targeting my husband and affecting my children, that I was shaking like a leaf and growling like a wild animal. I didn't recognize myself. Neither did my mother recognize me, which was clearly unsettling to her. It is clear that I need professional help myself to process all this. About 15 years ago I was in therapy but at that time I really did not understand that what we have been dealing with is BPD rather than merely "depression" or "mental illness." I am very happy to have found this label, this group, and the resources on offer here. Thank you for listening.

What is the type of relationship?
My child is 16. They are non-binary. Born a girl, "changed to a boy at 12 and to non-binary at 14. He had top surgery at 15 (removed boobs). My husband and I are together and have been supportive of the LGBTQ identities.

What is the status of the relationship?
Right now he is in a psych hospital for at least 30 days (unless they kick him out). He hates that we sent him there, and hated when we sent him to other placements before, but he steals, lies, and will end up in juvie if we don't intervene. The last family therapy session went well, but it was coached on both sides.

How is the current status working for you?
Replace this text with your answer

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
The top challenge is finding adequate care and convincing him he needs long term therapy.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Impulsive gender fluid adolescent with no true sense of identity and attracted to risk and drugs.

What do you struggle with yourself?
When he is at home, the stress in unbearable. When will he explode next?
When is in residential treatment I struggle with guilt. He hates being away and makes it known.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To read other stories and be able to see I am not the only one, and my child is not the only one.
To get information about treatments for adolescents.
To learn more about how to cope with the stress and the sadness.

What is the type of relationship?
Mother

What is the status of the relationship?
No contact - approximately 2 months. I did this by sending her an email, in which I told her I was no longer able to play my role in our relationship, that in our interactions I’m too often upset and I don’t have control over my responses, and that all of this has left me extremely overwhelmed and depressed. I made it clear that this is about me, and my mental health, not a critique of her.

How is the current status working for you?
Really well. The first weeks I had to deal with the guilt discomfort, but through my reading and this site, I was able to handle it. Prior to going NC, her influence was really blocking my ability to hear my own voice. Over the last year, I’d been reading about BPD. I spent a lot of time thinking about how this disorder has impacted her life and my childhood. Now I’m really focusing on integrating this knowledge into my current life and improving the quality of my life. It’s only been a short time, so it’s hard to say what the repercussions will be. One time she “accidentally” (you never know) sent me a message that was to my brother and sister-in-law asking for some kind of assistance with a credit card. The second was her reaching out to me about an Amazon delivery (this is a long standing issue; she makes the same mistake over and over again). I’m asking for some space to work on my mental health and she’s thinking an appropriate interruption is contacting me about an Amazon delivery that she can’t figure out...

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Her neediness; her unwillingness/inability to address her own needs and her unwillingness/inability to look out for her welfare. I feel fortunate that I somehow realized the lack of a mother years ago, and that I’ve processed much of my grief surrounding that. I no longer am looking for a mother, but I am looking to have an adult relationship with her, a relationship that takes into account that we are both adults. I’ve no idea if that’s possible; it will definitely be a challenge!

How would you categorize your loved one?
Undiagnosed. Some years back, she told me she’s been diagnosed as bipolar, made a big deal about how the meds were helping so much (I saw no difference). It appeared though over time the novelty of this wore off, and I’m thinking she quit the meds. Then, a couple of years ago, after visiting a different practitioner, she told me she’s been diagnosed as bipolar (forgetting that she’d already been diagnosed, and thinking she’s telling me for the first time). She has all of the indications of BPD; destructive and impulsive behaviors, unstable relationships, unclear self-image, etc... I did mention to her about 10 years ago, that I’d learned of BPD (and shared what the signs/symptoms are) and that it sounded like it could be what she suffered from. She listened, appeared to think it was interesting, and then just started talking about something else. It’s never came up again.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Depression, anxiety, self-actualization, an autoimmune disorder, dealing with my husband’s stage 4 cancer (this is the biggest thing I struggle with - the fear of what life will feel like without him), fighting my social anxiety (as a highly sensitive/introvert plus whatever stems from being raised by a BPD).

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Developing my self and finding support for what I need to live a more satisfying, meaningful life (one in which my mother, and the impact she’s had on me, does not overwhelm it). I’m at a critical time, now that she’s in her mid-70’s, has multiple health issues, is living beyond her means, and has done nothing to address or plan for her current needs or those that arise (leaving it for others to address for her). I’m determined to not be manipulated by her, and to learn the skills/tools to do so in a way that will bring out the best, most empowered me.

What is the type of relationship?
I am the older sister to my 36yo diagnosed BPD sister.

What is the status of the relationship?
Low to normal contact. We text a lot, talk sometimes, see each other once or twice a year. Live very far away.

How is the current status working for you?
I like this amount of contact. Anything more would be too much, I think.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
I want to rescue her but cannot. I want to be someone she can talk to openly and honestly about how she's doing but I do worry. I do not want to bear the brunt of any more rages!

How would you categorize your loved one?
She is in individual and group therapy and (I hope still taking) some psychiatric meds.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Boundary setting. I was not taught how to do this at all and now at 42 find myself feeling like I'm learning a basic life skill. How did I get to be so old without knowing how? Do I really deserve to stick up for my own thoughts and feelings? Especially when I'm the "healthy" one? Shouldn't I suck it up for the sake of the family?

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
1. Practice "saying" (typing) this stuff "out loud."
2. Learn how to handle the crisis times. The rages and talk of suicide. Both are terrifying.
3. Learn this boundary stuff. Understand my family dynamic. I feel like I'm just waking up to a world I don't fully understand.

What is the type of relationship?
Mother (age 76) is undiagnosed BPD

What is the status of the relationship?
Calm at the moment

How is the current status working for you?
Ok

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
My difficult-to-love uBPD mother is in hospice for colon cancer - good news is that she's in her own home (across the street from me) and managing ok - but with COVID-19 my "hermit" mother is highly sensitive to me visiting and is basically shutting me out - so these final months I have to try to develop a positive relationship with her (and have her build one with my teenage kids) are compromised. On the one hand I'm ok not seeing her, because it tends to be stressful when we interact (she is also a "waif", a "queen" and a "witch" rolled into one) - but it's also sad. The emotions are all over the place at the moment.

People will sympathize with the fact that I have a dying mother during COVID (the inability to see her regularly, planning a funeral that no one will likely attend, etc)- but very few people will understand what it means to have a dying borderline mother during COVID - and how the extra layer of emotions you (and the borderline mother) need to navigate and sort through will be impacted/exacerbated by the viral outbreak.

My last interaction with my mother led me to cut her off on the phone to avoid us getting into a fight- which then made me feel bad and then sad. It prompted me to find a support group - so needless to say this is a very weird and challenging time.

How would you categorize your loved one?
uBPD with high anxiety and obsessive compulsive traits - let's put it this way - having a "hermit", high anxiety, OCD type mother who is a former ICU-CCU registered nurse during COVID-19 is sort of like her nightmare scenario come true

What do you struggle with yourself?
Guilt, anger, frustration, impatience, sadness, disdain

What are your goals at bpdfamily
Finding kindred spirits to help me navigate (and hopefully help others in return) deal with a dying parent who is borderline while society is under quarantine for a viral outbreak.

What is the type of relationship?
My dad and my sister (also a number of friends and bosses throughout the years, but the primary relationships are family)

What is the status of the relationship?
I am in contact with my dad. I am in temporary no contact with my sister, and I'm trying to work through whether this no contact needs to be permanent.

How is the current status working for you?
I am really struggling with it. I get pressure from my mom (enabler of BPD/NPD dad and sister, and in denial) to "talk it out" with my sister because my mom is upset that the family isn't unified. I am not able to talk to my sister without severe PTSD triggers, so this creates a chronic conflict, especially when family events come up. I've distanced a lot from family events, but I struggle with guilt, shame, and isolation. It's hard because very few people understand my need for no contact.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
I had an enmeshed relationship with my younger sister. When I started to learn about healthy relationships and set small boundaries, my sister became abusive, shaming, and blaming. I was already really struggling in my life with a major career change, and her abuse almost destroyed me. That might sound extreme, but it feels very true. I kept trying to stay in contact with her, with boundaries, but the abuse and chronic blaming continued until I realized I had to stop responding to her communications. I feel guilty because I always felt responsible for her. I know I need to let go of this, but it is challenging because I was parentified as a child and feel responsible for my whole family.

My dad has mellowed a bit with age, but growing up he was very critical and shaming. He had repeated severe mental health crises that required hospitalization, and he never received any long-term therapy. My family would pretend everything was fine as soon as he got out of the hospital. This left me with a lot of trauma.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Both are undiagnosed, but I think both my sister and dad have BPD and narcissism (NPD). Bipolar disorder has been suggested for both by therapists (who saw them for just a few sessions because they never continued long term in therapy), but I feel BPD/NPD is a better fit.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Self-doubt and self-invalidation. Believing that the abuse I experienced was real. Anger and grief at the harm I've experienced. Isolation. Feeling stuck and traumatized, and experiencing an inability to reach my life goals since my sister started raging at me.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Finding like-minded people who understand the unique challenges of having family members with these disorders, and who understand the challenges of no contact or limited contact.

What is the type of relationship?
parent, mother

What is the status of the relationship?
FC but a little strained at the moment. Was living with her, but quarantining with her with no way to leave was deteriorating my mental health so I temporarily moved in with my boyfriend. This has led to her giving me the silent treatment with occasional texts for the last almost three weeks.

How is the current status working for you?
I feel better being away from her physically, but knowing she's upset with me causes me a lot of fear, obligation, and guilt.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Feeling responsible for her mental health and constantly feeling guilty when she is upset even when it isn't related to me.

How would you categorize your loved one?
uBPD, diagnosed anxiety and depression

What do you struggle with yourself?
A lot of anxiety and perfectionism. Wanting to have a relationship with my mom but not at the cost of my own mental health and happiness.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To find a way to relieve myself of the constant guilt and heal from my childhood without holding on to so much anger and resentment.

What is the type of relationship?
Youngest daughter of uBPD mother

What is the status of the relationship?
I typically live abroad and away from her, but in the past two months I've been at home with her and the rest of the family, which has been tough to navigate.

How is the current status working for you?
I don't know. I can't imagine going Non-Contact but I fantasise about it sometimes. The difficult thing would be that if I were to cut ties with her, it would almost certainly mean cutting ties with my dad, which I really don't want to do.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Living alongside her without getting swept away in her drama. Whether it's full violent rage outbursts where she insults and targets me and my sister, or just her meandering around the house interrupting everybody because she's bored. I'm finding it very difficult to establish a routine or simply exist without her interrupting.

How would you categorize your loved one?
She is undiagnosed but has been in treatment for general depression for decades now. She is in therapy and medicated, but none of her therapists have ever considered BPD that I know of.

What do you struggle with yourself?
A couple of years back I had a big bout of depression and was on an antidepressant for 2 years. I weaned off it after attending therapy for some time, and I have been doing much better thanks to self-help strategies, but I think I might be starting to struggle in a bigger way.
I also suspect I might have undiagnosed ADHD but that's not wholly relevant to my BPD mother.
In dealing with her I struggle the most with not responding when she attacks, as well as keeping myself centred and happy while under her influence in general. I'm only becoming familiar with BPD strategies, so I think things will improve, but it's very difficult not to fall face first into the pain of it all.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
I want to learn more about BPD, as well as find a community of people with similar struggles. My friends with very balanced families never understand what I am going through, so it can be quite difficult to feel validated when I speak to them or hear about their loving mothers.

What is the type of relationship?
Brother

What is the status of the relationship?
Full contact - although we've never had a close relationship. BPD-brother moved out when I was 10 years old to live with Dad. My Dad has largely tried to shelter me from BPD-brother behaviour. I am generally not targeted by my brother but I have witnessed his behaviour towards other family members.

How is the current status working for you?
Fine

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
I struggle with knowing how to communicate with and support him whilst maintaining boundaries. We have little in common anyway. He has just had a child and I am struggling with understanding how best I can support my nephew.

How would you categorize your loved one?
diagnosed BPD & ADHD - refuses to engage with treatment

What do you struggle with yourself?
Guilt - I've been sheltered. I live a happy and fulfilling life whilst my brother does not.
Guilt - I am not well equipped to support him - I don't know how
Guilt - I am nervous about including my brother and I get nervous when I see him. I think I am ashamed of his behaviour and that makes me feel like a horrible person.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To get some practical advice on how to best support my brother from afar, and also how to support my nephew who will grow up with a BPD father.

What is the type of relationship?
Sibling, formerly Younger Brother now Sister, they just starting to come out as trans. Also we had some semblance of parent/child relationship dynamics due to our fathers neglect and our mother being the primary source of money not being able to alway be home. I shouldered a large portion of raising them.

What is the status of the relationship?
All over the place. I try no contact but I get so worried about them that it never lasts.

How is the current status working for you?
not well. My mentally health is really suffering.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
She has a laundry list of health issues. Autism, ADHD, ODD which apparently has now become BPD, Hashimoto's disease, a brain condition that causes cerebral spinal fluid to back up in the center of the brain,other diet related health issues. As well a Trauma from our abusive and negligent father. She doesn't take care of herself refuses to shower or brush teeth, She constantly leaves work early or calls off sick often outright quitting her jobs. Lies about everything even when the truth is undeniable. But right now she has check herself out of the 8 week live in program she was in and has no where to live and I am scared shes going to be homeless.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Diagnosed BPD and also all other things listed above. Use to accept other diagnosis' but now is convinced she isn't Autistic or BPD and thinks transitioning will solve all her problems.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Bipolar disorder( controlled/medicated since 5th grade), Autism spectrum, Anxiety, and minor OCD. As well as Shared trauma from our childhood. I have a savior complex because I always had to be the person protecting my loved ones. and now sadly I'm protecting people from her.
Also Guilt. I feel responsible for this downward spiral. It all started getting worse when I started dating and moved out. Some guilt is also related to the fact that I have in general coped with our trauma better and have a level of functionality and dependance that they might never have.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To commiserate partly. I feel so alone and scared. and I don't know how to cope at all. I have so many of my own issues I don't know how to set boundaries and maintain them. I don't know how to feel less responsible when I can so easily connect each worsening step in the last to years to things I did to establish independence.

What is the type of relationship?
Mother has BPD

What is the status of the relationship?
After 4 years of not talking, we tried again and lasted 1 year. It's been six months of estrangement, and I don't see it changing.

How is the current status working for you?
I am working on what I call recovery for myself, and focusing on my own reactions. I have much less stress and chaos, but still miss her, even though she adds mostly hurt to my life.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Understanding her mental state and why she is so destructive and hurtful. I'm 50 and she is only 17 years older, so my concern is that this will never work out before she passes. Her health is not that great and she abuses legal medications as well.

How would you categorize your loved one?
We are quite certain BPD, and is on some very strong antipsychotics, so assume more diagnosis than I am aware of. Very difficult to have a relationship with. She recently told me that I went to her counselor and told her bad things about her and now her counselor hates her. I have no idea what she is talking about. I don't even know who her counselor is.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I struggle to understand this disorder. I didn't have a voice as a young girl, and I am not afraid anymore, but..I have found speaking the truth hasn't helped the situation and only hurt it. Recently, I put a very gentle and healthy boundary down, and that's all it took for me to be the new target. So, letting go, even though it was not a healthy relationship, has been hard. I have managed to stay mentally healthy, despite the physical and mental abuse I received under her care, but always had a loving relative nearby, and I think that helped. I maintained healthy relationships with her old boyfriends, who understood my pain as well, and they became surrogate fathers. I was lucky like that, but always chaos with her and her relationships, and it probably took some toll on me and my siblings.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
I think sharing makes one feel like they are not alone and can be healing. My children or friends don't really get how difficult it is to disconnect from a parent, toxic or not. Hoping to get understanding for the condition and healing.

Thank You!

What is the type of relationship?
My mother was recently diagnosed with BPD. I had suspected it for about a year and a half and gently suggested it along with her counselor, but it took some time for her to be diagnosed by a psychiatrist.

What is the status of the relationship?
Currently, it is low contact. I have also gone through periods of NC over the past three years.

How is the current status working for you?
To be honest, NC works best for me. I end up going back to LC out of guilt. However, I feel more at peace and free to be myself when I am NC.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Her mental state has deteriorated greatly over the years ever since I moved out at 23. I was not able to deal with her behavior anymore and was more than old enough to start a life on my own. I am 28 now, and she still feels like I abandoned her. She has gone through stages of abusing alcohol, benzodiazepines, and marijuana (not for medical use, but for combining with the other two), which has exacerbated her illness even more. Even though she is only 47, I often worry about her health and what she is putting her body through.

How would you categorize your loved one?
BPD with anxiety and depression.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I have been diagnosed with dysthymia, health anxiety, generalized anxiety, and social anxiety. My father was diagnosed with Bipolar I when I was 13, and I spent many years afraid I would end up with the same disorder. I went to counseling, asked psychiatrists to assess me for bipolar, and studied psychology extensively in college. Ultimately, it helped me to understand my dad and separate emotionally, so I did not get hurt when his illness was at its worst. I was blind to my mom's issues for a long time though. At 18, I started to feel that certain behaviors from my mother were atypical. I did not want to accept that she too may have a mental illness. I look back now though, and there were many signs of it throughout my childhood. I'm only now starting to accept it, so I kind of feel like I am back to square one, but with my mother instead.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
I have been reading posts here since about November of last year off and on to feel like I am not alone. I have only now gotten the courage to sign up and start posting. I am hoping to share my experiences, learn from others, and start to heal.

What is the type of relationship?
My mother, uBPD

What is the status of the relationship?
My mom and I don't talk very often, I live five hours away from her, and most of our exchanges are surface-level. We have never been NC, though I feel that this is the most distant I have ever been with her. I am not engaged with any of her dramas, I don't therap-ize with her. I feel healthy and happy in my own life, and some days it feels like the trauma I experienced by my mom never happened. But then other days it hits me smack in the face (hence the weekly therapy hehe).

How is the current status working for you?
Honestly, it's been really great! I have my own life that I've been able to focus on. I have an incredible partner and we just bought a house and adopted a puppy :wee: It has been very healing to be on these forums and read and be distanced from the pain of her control and emotional abuse. However, I constantly have that nagging feeling that I should be working to have a closer, though more healthy relationship with her. I know this is what my T wants for me ultimately, though I feel I still have a ways to go to get to that place. I still have FOG when I'm with her. I still feel the urge to therap-ize her, to protect her and take care of her when I'm with her. I still have the urge to take on her complex emotions and support her in whomever she is splitting with at the time. Right now, being more distant feels better for my emotional health, where I feel more free and less strapped down by all of her. Maybe with time and practice, I will be able to build up to a healthy relationship without FOG where I feel completely myself under my own control AND with more contact. That's just not the case right now.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Triangulating with my dad. She is very abusive towards my dad, and she recently threatened divorce if he went back to therapy, so he hasn't gone for several months. I find myself therap-izing with my dad, just because his need is so great. I'm so angry at her for abusing my dad and controlling him the way she has their entire marriage. I know that she's unhappy, and he's unhappy, but he feels that he would be more unhappy if he divorced her because "she would make life a living hell" for him. I recognize that she feels threatened by his growth in therapy and that her abandonment is triggered when he starts to have a better understanding of his own needs as an autonomous individual. I'm heating up just talking about it, though I know this is part of her disorder. Maybe this is why I don't want to talk with her, because I know I won't be able to hold back about this. I hate that some of my siblings continue to stay wrapped up in her drama and that they continue to protect her, though I know (even just from reading posts from folks here on this site) how many years it can take to reach that point of enlightenment, and then even longer to create and set boundaries with BPD loved ones. You don't know until you know, and I know I need to be patient and be available for them when/if they do want to understand. It certainly took me many years to get to this point. I continue to encourage my dad to go to therapy, but the more he resists, the more distant I feel from him, and that makes me feel even more resentful of my mom.

How would you categorize your loved one?
uBPD, possible Bipolar Disorder, social anxiety, depression

What do you struggle with yourself?
I struggle with "not good enough" feelings. I struggle with fears about turning into my mom. I want to have a baby next year, and fears about me parenting the way that she did haunts me when I think about it. I fear that I'm a bad partner like she is, though my husband and I communicate wonderfully and respect each other immensely. Our relationship is completely different, but the fear is still there. I worry that I myself have BPD or that I will someday develop it, though my T reminds me pretty much weekly that this is not true. I know this is just projected fear. I struggle with anger towards my mom. I struggle with some depression, though so far it is not crippling and I manage well most of the time.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
My goal is to continue listening and learning. I want to continue to work on my boundaries with my mom and then exercising them when I'm around her. I learn so much from y'all on this site, I'm so grateful to have this space. I don't feel so alone in it. :hug:

What is the type of relationship?
Mother

What is the status of the relationship?
Full contact. She is retired and living with me. She makes a small amount each month from her pension but I am financially supporting her – providing house, car, phone, food, etc.

How is the current status working for you?
The situation started out ok over a decade ago but has deteriorated within the past few years due to several reasons. I've become aware of how dysfunctional everything is and have become increasingly bitter but haven't been successful and consistent in making changes.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Dealing with emotional rollercoaster and the manipulative, passive aggressive, FOG behavior that accompanies it.

How would you characterize your loved one?
Undiagnosed bpd with depression. Unwilling to seek help.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Anxiety, setting boundaries, emotional numbness, and co-dependency. My father was an alcoholic and left when I was in junior high. I was also bullied in school. I have been working with a therapist for 4 months and have read several books on BPD/NP and emotions. I have been using the same coping mechanisms for decades so it's going to take time to relearn how to effectively handle the emotionally charged situations.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Develop skills/courage to determine, set, and enforce healthy boundaries. Take back control of my life. Maintain a positive relationship if at all possible.

What is the type of relationship?
Mother and Brother (both uNPD)

What is the status of the relationship?
A lot of contact with mom, who has dementia, almost daily. Low contact with brother.

How is the current status working for you?
With mom, the silver lining of her dementia is she is easier to deal with than ever - she has just regressed so much and is so out of it that her usual shaming and blaming and shouting tantrums are gone. Brother has been an absolute nightmare to deal with, his behavior has escalated over the years and I finally decided the only option for me was medium chill / low contact and probably no contact when mom dies. I feel sad but mostly anger towards him.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Walking on eggshells with brother. Brother is very unpredictable, has major victim complex and invents scapegoats to justify his failure at pretty much every job or business he has tried. The older he gets, the more failures and more debt he accumulates, the more bizarre and unpredictable his behavior gets.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Both mom and brother uNPD

What do you struggle with yourself?
My main struggle is with the deep rooted feeling that I don't deserve to be happy. I want to learn to believe that I'm not a bad person, and that I deserve joy. No matter how hard I tried, my mom and brother have always made me feel like trash. My main goal in life is to be healthy and learn to trust myself and believe that it's okay for me to be happy and live a healthy life without feeling guilty.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
I need a place to vent, where people understand what I am going through, and understand my struggles with self-esteem and what hard work it is just to live a normal, healthy life. I know you all understand because in reading other peoples' introductions I can really hear an echo of what I am going through.

What is the type of relationship?
My husband's mother

What is the status of the relationship?
We happen to live next door to her and I see her reluctantly when my husband asks me to go and visit but NEVER without him.

How is the current status working for you?
It isn't working for me at all. It is a strain on my marriage and she has no boundaries, which a neighbor should have.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
I feel most challenged by how she manipulates all of us and is never held accountable nor does she ever accept responsibility for the havoc she wreaks. She pits everyone in her life against each other and yet is constantly claiming she's a victim and it's everyone else's fault.

How would you categorize your loved one?
I saw a therapist about my MIL for five years and while my counselor didn't treat my MIL, she said she strongly thought she has borderline personality disorder.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I struggle with very strong anger towards my MIL. I also struggle with anxiety.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
I am hoping to connect with people who may understand how I feel.

What is the type of relationship?
adult step-daughter is likely NPD/BPD

What is the status of the relationship?
She disowned us. To ensure the NC, we blocked her on my husband's phone.

How is the current status working for you?
Great, my husband feels relief for the first time since she was a small child and started exhibiting behaviors.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
She has two children under the age of 3 and we have been told we will "never see our grandchildren again"

How would you categorize your loved one?
sledgehammer

What do you struggle with yourself?
My mother is BPD. I already know what I'm dealing with, but I'm afraid my husband is really naive about this. I want to set boundaries to protect us both, but I can see it is going to be a long road for both of us to get him "up to speed"

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To find comfort in knowing I'm not alone, give and get advice and ideas to help cope, and talk less about it to my husband who is overwhelmed, and instead use this forum where no one is captive.

What is the type of relationship?
My mother and my sister

What is the status of the relationship?
NC as of a few days ago (for the nth time!)

How is the current status working for you?
So far I feel far more empowered than I have in previous attempts to go NC. It took a crisis.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
My mother is controlling, and goes between periods of relative good behaviour, rages, and victimhood. It is impossible to help her when she is in victim mode, and impossible to escape if she is in a rage. My sister is physically violent, and verbally and emotionally abusive. She is only ever in *rage*/*victim* mode.

How would you categorize your loved one?
uBPD (mother), uBPD with some seeming paranoid and psychotic behaviours (sister)

What do you struggle with yourself?
I'm struggling with validating my own choices, despite knowing, logically, that I made the only decision I could have made (NC) to protect myself and my family.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
I want to understand how to properly and effectively disengage from my BPD family members and how to begin protecting my own mental health and my family.

Hi there! I've been looking for some kind of support group for people with a BPD family member on and off throughout the past few years, but I just found this site today and decided to join.

What is the type of relationship?
My older sister has BPD.

What is the status of the relationship?
It's very rocky right now, I'm on the brink of going NC and I'm struggling to even speak with her for the sake of my niece. We had a very tumultuous childhood, she abused me for most of it, but once I became an adult and started establishing boundaries with her she suddenly switched and decided she liked me.

How is the current status working for you?
It's not working well, she is in arguably her worst state since we started rebuilding our relationship and I have no clue if I have it in me to maintain my relationship with her. I'm trying my best because my parents are also trying their best to deal with her, and I'm trying my best because my niece needs some stable family around at least part of the time, but I'm so emotionally drained.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
I'd say it's a tie between her impulsivity and her toxicity. She speaks really calmly, logically, and eloquently when we talk about future plans. But then, she throws all logic aside and impulsively makes the worst possible choice she could make in almost every scenario. If my parents try and call her out on anything, she lashes out at them like a feral teenager. Slams stuff around, says the kinds of things that you can't take back, and is just the worst to be around.

How would you categorize your loved one?
She was diagnosed as bipolar originally, but has since been diagnosed as borderline/BPD. I think there's probably something else as well, but she wasn't diagnosed- maybe she's a narcissist, maybe something that involves delusions because she truly sees everything through a lens.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I'm coming to terms with the fact that she abused me throughout our childhood and I'm not really sure where to go from here. I have no self-esteem and an almost crippling combo of anxiety and depression. I'm trying to find a therapist, but no one is taking new patients in my area.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
I'm looking for a place to go when I get overwhelmed by my sister, so I can just feel normal in my emotions surrounding her. My husband is tired of hearing about her constant stream of drama and just wants me to cut her off and be done. My parents want me to stick it out so that we support her through her instability until my niece is old enough to make a decision on where she wants to be. I just want to cry and be heard without anyone trying to push me to do one thing or the other.

What is the type of relationship?
I am the adult daughter 54yrs of a mother 81yrs with uBPD

What is the status of the relationship?
Tense, unpredictable relationship. I visit her in her own home weekly for 2-3hrs. I had a period of NC a few yrs ago and even though I explained the reasons, she resents this.

How is the current status working for you?
It’s challenging. She is not happy with her life and expects me to make her happy. She has no real interest in my well-being.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Her physical needs are increasing due to ageing but mentally she is sharp, argumentative and frustrated. I am her only close relative and I work long hours. I am single so it’s difficult to fit everything in. I have POA so I arrange all her financial affairs.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Undiagnosed BPD/NPD

What do you struggle with yourself?
Her lack of empathy. Im single, I work long hours and I have a back injury. She talks constantly about her problems and jobs that need doing in the house. She is happy for me to hurt myself as long as her needs are met. My refusal to do the manual jobs such as clearing out a bedroom, decorating etc is met with bitter resentment and sarcasm.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
I have already got so much support from this site. Counsellors are rare in my area. I feel I should contribute more but I never feel I have the right words :)

Apologies if I've posted this in the wrong space...

What is the type of relationship?
My mother who I'm pretty sure has undiagnosed BPD.

What is the status of the relationship?
She was widowed last year when my step-dad died suddenly. We were estranged at the time of his death but I re-entered her life to organise the funeral and look after her. Her behaviour has become cruel and reckless again like it was before his death. We speak on the phone infrequently. She has lost her driver's licence (forced on her by the police) and is looking for me to help her but I really don't want to because she makes me so sad with her cruelty. I feel terribly guilty.

How is the current status working for you?
Dreadful. My anxiety is through the roof. Even a missed call from her sends me into the doldrums. I am emotionally exhausted. How do you help someone who is adamant that she is fine when all of her actions speak to the contrary?

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Dealing with my mother is like playing a toxic psychological game of chess. I am trying not to give into my newly developed hard-fought attempts at boundary-setting but she's had decades more experience at manipulating my need to help her and be loved by her. I want her to stop being hurtful and miserable and try to understand that I love her and if she would just try she could have a better relationship with her children and grandchildren. She keeps finding excuses to get me involved in her life.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Reckless, depressed, unempathetic to the distress she is causing. Cruel. Unpredictable, prone to cheerfulness and then sudden rage and abuse.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I am afraid to get another phone call from a hospital telling me she'd hurt herself, I'm even scared to just get a phone call from her because she can be so hurtful and caught up in a cycle of impulsive behaviour. I have young children and I can't keep looking after her too.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
I feel so alone with this I'd like to know there's others who understand the stress. I have good things in my life: a beautiful, supportive partner and kids. I don't know how to help my mother when she refuses to acknowledge there's even a problem - even when the police have sent a psychiatrist to her house due to her reckless public behaviour. I fear every phone call from her. It's consuming my happiness. I want help to deal with it but it's all starting to feel a bit hopeless because I love her and fear her too much to stand up for what I need.

What is the type of relationship?
Sister with BPD and NPD

What is the status of the relationship?
Full contact - living at home together though I try to avoid her when possible.

How is the current status working for you?
It’s difficult but I can’t move out right now and she just moved back home. Our parents and family are unaware of her disorder and they try to “be there for her” which ends up meaning neglecting the rest of the family.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
She is very triggering and makes everyone feel stupid. Her emotional states are so hard to navigate. And when she wants to talk she will (not physically) trap you for hours while she tells overly detailed stories with no purpose. She’s becoming increasingly difficult to deal with.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Undiagnosed BPD/NPD

What do you struggle with yourself?
Her immaturity and the lack of support from my family. They are always on her side even though she is always (no exaggeration) unreasonable.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Support, clarity, and guidance. I dont want to feel trapped by this relationship anymore even though it is one that i have to endure for right now.

BPDFamily.com

Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD => Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD => Topic started by: Harri on January 04, 2019, 03:51:02 PM