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I'm having such a hard time trying to end this, go NC and move on. She has been married for 20 yrs, he was in prison (fraud- a Dr.) the last 2, which is when we met. Her excuses about not getting a divorce obviously do not add up, she lies to me about things that don't require it. I get the idealization but not the devaluation/rage. We have had a few major fights, about her moving on, but she has always retreated.

She seems to be extremely controlled by her parents, father in particular. She openly admits this. Her husband is a narcissist, according to her and abusive.

I noticed changes when he first started getting weekend releases, staying at the house. Now he is back permanently and they are living under the same roof. She claims its misery, but will is too scared to make a change.

I figure she is sleeping with him and me at the same time, which she vigorously denies, but it makes me sick.


I need help here.

Hi JG,

Even if she didn't have BPD, the role you play in her life would make you vulnerable to devaluations. You have been playing second fiddle, and now that her legitimate spouse has returned, the more you consent to do so, the lower you sink. When he was incarcerated, at least there was a hedge in that they were in some sense separated. However, she never committed to break up with him, and now you are in a mist regarding your status in her life. Even if she were to break up with him now, your relationship with her would be tainted by the part already played.

You can only change your own behavior. By refusing to be used as a temporary getaway, you will rise in your own estimation, and perhaps in hers (though that part is not guaranteed). If she has cause to break with him for good, then she knows where to find you, and you will not be seen as the second fiddle player in her symphony of misery.

what are they?

Yes — why does she not divorce him, according to her? This would seem the perfect motive, although women choose to stay with their spouses in higher ratios than men in cases where the spouse has been convicted of a crime.

And what things does she lie about needlessly, in your view?

oh no

This is a tough situation to be in. She promises, then things change.  What leads you to believe she is BPD?

Hi,

And thanks for the support.

She admits that her parents, especially father, have been controlling of her since childhood. She calls it pathetic at times. When she told me her situation, 2 years ago, she said the marriage had been over for years and they stayed together for the kids. There are 3- 18 girl in college, 16- girl and 11- boy. She claimed to be scared to break the boys heart after the trauma he went through with the incarceration. Now she claims that the kids know, but she never told them that she wanted a divorce. She tells me she does everyday. I have put more pressure on her to make a forward move than even I would be able to handle, but she still wants to be with me.

The lying seems to be a coping mechanism, ie: we had plans, but something came up. Instead of telling me that, she will lie.

I know that I need to move on, yesterday was 2 years since we met. In that time, I have met her parents once, 1.5 years ago and 2 of her kids around the same time. In the 2 years, I have not been able to meet or do anything with her family since she is still married. So all holidays, etc are stressful and/or a problem.

As to BPD, she does not seem capable of making decisions for herself, it seems to always have to have parental input, etc. She claims husband is narcissist, which makes sense considering what she has told me about her parents.

She tells me every day how I'm the only one she wants to be with, but stays where she is. She says her husband is manipulative and controlling.

One point- I had a run in with the husband a few months ago, not very pleasant. According to her, he went to her parents and told some crazy tale of what I did and said. And now she can't seem to get her parents to listen to her about what really occurred or that she wants a divorce. There is an entire thing about 'appearances', but that is all gone- he was a respected MD that was busted for ins fraud.

I guess the devaluation part is when she pushes me away, or pulls back. I have been an 'outsider', kept at arms length the entire time. I have some codependency issues of my own, which speaks to my attraction to her. I am a divorced (no kids) professional and I'm told I am attractive, intelligent, great personality and successful, so I obviously need to work on myself. I have been in therapy on and off for a long time.

So, am I deluding myself with her? I'm not even certain the person I know is real? Or just a facade, the mirroring effect. She has never shown me the anger or retaliation. We always seem to come back together, it's circular to me. She is also very sensitive, insecure and a people pleaser, hence the BPD thought by me.

I'm in a tough place, so hard to go no contact, but so hard to stay stuck with someone I love.

Any thoughts are very much appreciated

TY

I want to add that she has been long treated for ADHD and anxiety.

i think what is true is that you arent comfortable with the circumstances or the ways in which they cycle. and i think that when that happens, we can remain in the cycle, or we can shift our role.

i wouldnt really recommend no contact here. you have a long history together, and hard, abrupt no contact can be really anxiety inducing on both parties, and it can escalate things. if you want to exit the relationship, i would think long term, and slow detaching.

it wouldnt look that much different than if you are choosing to stay; it would involve detaching from certain aspects and expectations of the relationship, but also trying to steer it into healthier, if more limited, territory.