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Hi, I was hoping for some advice please.

Today is my dads birthday and I do not know what to do.
I now live overseas and since I left my dad has not spoken to me or acknowledged me or my daughter who was 3 when we left. He did not say goodbye when we left either.

We moved for my husbands career advancement with a company he has been with for a decade to where the work is. 

Since moving my parents have gone around to friends and family members with tales of lies and deceit and wrongdoing about us for leaving rather than the simple truth. I have been isolated by family and people I have always respected and held in high regard.

I do not make contact with him anymore because when I had tried a few times he was so rude and cold. He is trying to intimidate me.
I figure ok buddy you go your way and I’ll go mine. I just want to live a peaceful life I don’t like confrontation and I don’t want drama.

When my mom came to visit last year and I said to her that dads treatment of me is appalling she said ‘ok you want to know why your dad is upset with you? He thinks that you knew you were moving before you told us about it and then when you knew you were going you could have stayed with us at the destination wedding (accommodation was booked before we knew). We hired a big house and you didn’t want to stay with us’

My mum is BPD my dad is ASPD and I am very confident my sister is uBPD. I do not have anyone reasonable in my childhood family.

Obviously if my dad isn’t talking to me for 18months that means he has not acknowledged us at Christmas, my birthday or 2 of my daughters birthdays. When my mother visited later in the year she said to him on the phone  ‘I’ve got the girls here I’ll put you on speaker so you can all say hello’ he swore at her and hung up the phone.

Calling for his birthday  is not an option I feel I want to take. As I think he would feel to much power and make me regret bothering.

When my mother was here at the end of the year she also made some other bizarre statements ‘your father said to me that I am lucky I still have a relationship with my daughter and granddaughter’... .whose choice was that? I am just not tolerating his behavior anymore.
‘He says you don’t acknowledge him as a father’... I sent him a father’s day card (it was basic but I am not going to send one with a verse about a father I never had... anymore)

I am gathering between the random statements my mother made and what I know from text messages I saw about me on my mothers phone between her and another family member (they were not meant for my eyes) and from articles and posts my dad puts on his Facebook (hypocritical ones compared with dads behavior towards me) for example today’s is about ‘sorry is only ok when a mistake is made and then it talks about forgiving and forgetting is hard when people have broken your trust’ my parents are painting a picture of me to people that I have abandoned them and that there was something sinister to do with my move. Obviously, I am not there to defend myself or to have a direct dialogue with people to tell my truth.

So I am wondering whether it would be a good idea to acknowledge his birthday on his Facebook wall so that some of the people that my parents are wandering around telling false truths to may notice that I do acknowledge his birthday seeing as though he is that manipulative the card I send would end up in the bin and no one being told the false truths would be any wiser?
 Thank you

Hi.  I am so sorry you are struggling with this difficult situation.

Can you just let it go?  Your parents are who they are and you can't stop them from doing the stuff they do.  Trying to deny it or defend yourself usually just makes things worse and makes you look like you are a part of all the drama.  

I all but gave up facebook but I spent enough time on it for years and saw so much drama like what your dad is doing.  The posts and memes always came across to me as passive aggressive bullying behavior aimed at emotional blackmail.  My first reaction was to feel badly for the person these messages were aimed at and I had so much respect for those who just stayed out of it all.  Those who did not respond.   So that is my suggestion.  Leave them to be who they are and focus on you and your life.

I would do the same with them in your offline life as well.  It is so hard to just ignore people who talk trash or try to paint you black.  My mom did that to me and it drove me up the wall and it was so hard to not get caught up in things.  You do not need to justify, argue, defend or explain anything to anyone.  The more you do the worse you look and the worse the drama gets.

What do you think?  We can talk this out here you know.  Let us support you and validate you rather than trying to get your parents to see you as you really are.  They can't do that so stop hurting yourself by trying to get them to be some thing they are not capable of being.  I know that sounds harsh.  It is not meant that way at all.  I am concerned for you and I have been where you are and it is a horrible place to be.

We can help you.  And we can definitely listen.

Sadly, I think your dad has made things clear. I wouldn't post anything publicly,  as it might invite drama.  If it were me,  I'd send a card with a short note (as in written on the card). Leave the ball in his court.  That he cussed out his own wife over talking to his grandchildren is inexcusable behavior,  in my opinion. 

@Harri
Thank you for your reply.
Believe me I am trying so hard to let it go but it seems I have hurt and betrayal on top of hurt and betrayal when it comes to my mum, dad and sister.

Family has always been very important to me and I overlooked their behavior for so long. I am not sure if childhood trauma has something to do with it between the emotional abuse and neglect from my parents, being bullied in primary school, being sexually abused by a family member and currently suffering from PTSD. My parents are aware of everyone of these circumstances I have been faced with yet they are still opting for their bullying tactics.

I have a small family. Unfortunately, I don’t have any Aunties or Uncles that I can get support from no one that has been around while I was growing up to validate me or acknowledge that it isn’t all in my head. My in-laws are a whole other can of worms.

My husband is wonderful but he To is suffering from PTSD and has a small family also that aren’t any support to him.

I do see a psychologist once a week and she is great but at the rate my family work I feel like there is so much I am trying to process.

My father said about someone he was seeking revenge on years ago ‘I am going to intimidate him and get in his head so bad that he will commit suicide so I don’t have to do any dirty work’ he proceeded to (this is what he told me) Park on the street outside his house, purchase a second prepaid cell to call the guy at all hours and have people go and knock on his door. If you can get the level of doesn’t let things go when he has it in for someone. Also if you can understand when I haven’t done anything And my parents are manifesting a story of a situation that doesn’t exist and get so caught up in their stories that they forget what the truth is. They feed off of on another in a very dangerous way because my mum tries to change the facts to justify and accept his behavior.

I do realize I am in a lot of emotional pain right now and it’s all getting a bit much because I do find myself crying a lot. There is so much to process and deal with. Do you have any suggestions for dealing with the situation? I imagine counseling, talking in this forum, maybe writing in a journal, I have been wondering if I should go to a retreat for dealing with trauma? Obviously what I am doing at the moment is not enough. How did you get through it?

For me, it took time, counseling, 12 step co-dependency groups.

My father died after a long illness. At some point, he got angry at me for several reasons- one of them that BPD mom was angry at me for having boundaries with her, painting me black to him and also other FOO- telling them lies about me.

I tried to reach out to him, but he chose to stay angry at me. I would try to visit when I could but both my parents were angry at me, he had snapped and raged at me and honestly, I was scared and avoided being in that situation as it was so hard for me. I loved my once loving father. I tried to reach out to him, hoping he'd realize that he had a daughter who cares about him and didn't deserve this, but he didn't.

I still cry when I think about it, and it's been years. Grief isn't easy but time soothes grief. I can tell you it gets better, but I know it is tough. Also, you father is alive and I know I couldn't give up hope as long as my father was.

Parents with PD's see their children as extensions of themselves. They aren't supposed to have minds of their owns, or boundaries or do things that are different than what the PD parents wants or expects. However, you know that we are not our parents, and our children are not us. We aren't wrong to want something different. You didn't do anything wrong - you have lived your life the way you were intended to- your own way.

When deciding what to do about your father's birthday, I think it is important to act from your core values, independent of what he or anyone else thinks or does. This takes a firm boundary- what is you and what is him. He can do whatever he chooses, but if you are acting from your core value - what he does doesn't matter.

I still called my father- even if it didn't change his mind, because it was important to me that I called. If you feel it is important to call- ( and you can handle him being mean) then call. The act of calling is on your part- if you feel it is the right thing to do, then do it. If you don't feel you can call, then send a text message, or a card, or a small gift- something you aren't worried about if they throw it out. My mother has done that. However, if I have acted on my own values, without expectations, then what they do doesn't change that.

I don't know what my mother's FOO thinks of me due to what she's said about me, but I don't try to change their minds by speaking poorly of her. I simply act according to my own values. I can't control what they think. For this reason, I would avoid posting on FB for your relatives to see. It is likely to backfire. I think social media is a playground for disordered people. Your Dad might post something awful or take down your post. I'd IM him on Facebook privately if you choose.

Hang in there! It isn't your fault. Live your life according to your values and believe you are a good person even if your father can't validate that for you. It will feel better in time.

Hi.

Notwendy made a great post here describing her process.

I got through it pretty much the way you listed: counseling (when i could) and a lot of work on my own.  I only came here years after my parents died but I was still attached in many ways and reading and participating here has helped immensely. 

The biggest thing that helped me was focusing on boundaries and self-differentiation.  Differentiation allowed me to be me apart from my parents.  To learn who I was regardless of their words projections, biases, lies and distortions.  It took learning about the disorder and the associated behaviors and understanding what was driving the behavior to be able to depersonalize it all.  It also took knowing they could be who they were and I could not and should not try to fix it. 

I understand about not having a support network.  I did/do not either and still don't outside of this board and therapists when I have been in counseling.  I have a brother I love and who loves me but given the history we can not talk about stuff related to my mom.   It makes it harder but you can get to the point where you trust your own memory and experiences and no longer need external validation from people who are most likely caught up in the dysfunction to some extent. 

Several of us here have been diagnosed with PTSD.  You are not alone in this and it can get better.