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Hi BPD Family... .

I made mistakes in the early days of my relationship with a new man.  I was unclear about the stability of the new relationship (there is a significant age difference, I had recently come out of an emotionally draining divorce and he often made comments about other women) so I had my OWN issues about feeling vulnerable and insecure.  That is NOT, however, an excuse for my actions... .merely contextual information. 

Regardless... .for reasons I don't completely understand... .I stupidly allowed myself to continue communicating with someone I had a fling with before this new man came into my life.  I had absolutely NO intention of getting together again with the old flame and I naively thought the texting would eventually just go away.  I felt uncomfortable with the communication because of the sexual nature of it and knew it was wrong.  Why the hell did I do it then?  I don't know.  I think it somehow helped me feel more confident in the face of this new relationship that was scary.  That, even if this new thing blows up in my face, I know I'm still desired.  That does NOT make it okay in any way. 

Of course, the new man was suspicious and discovered the texts.  I immediately cut off communication and apologized profusely, but he interpreted my apology as being somehow insufficient and I have been retried for the same crime over and over ever since.  Emotional, verbal and even some physical abuse (alcohol related) occurs during these flare ups and it has taken a toll on my own mental health.

Broken, isolated, depressed, scared and overwhelmed... .I finally started looking into BPD.  It was eye-opening.  I immediately felt relief and validation for my OWN experience and was able to see him in a new light.  It gave me permission to love him just as he is with all his amazing qualities that I value and appreciate so much.  I have been trying to utilize the validation and communication skills for BPD and it often really helps but I need to be in a really stable and good place MYSELF for that to work.  I can't access those skills as easily when I am feeling attacked or ambushed.  It's so hard to override the natural instinct to protect yourself and try to correct the misinformation or try to point to facts that prove you are a good person and not deserving of the insults and degrading comments.

I find myself less and less enthusiastic about doing all I can on my end to work through these flare ups and resent him for not acknowledging or even being aware that I have the right to have feelings too.  He has done things in past relationships that were WAY WORSE than just sending a few texts to an old flame and, while that is still NO EXCUSE FOR MY BEHAVIOUR, I am not afforded any compassion or understanding about why I might have done it.  There is absolutely NO chance I will ever make that mistake again.  He has NOTHING to worry about.  But he can't let it go.  And I am punished for it again and again.

He has broken up with me several times but can't even leave my property before coming back.  I tried breaking up with him once when I reached a breaking point, but he didn't accept it.

All this being said... .we are extremely compatible in many ways and this relationship suits both of us for lots of great reasons at this time.  But how do I continue to enjoy all the fantastic things without losing myself completely?

I need a script of things to say to help reduce the intensity during the flare ups.  I don't have the mental where-with-all to think of them myself when I'm being attacked.  Knowing the story... .any SPECIFIC phrases you can offer with would be SO DEEPLY APPRECIATED!

Thank you so much in advance!

Welcome, loving girlfriend! :hi:

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. You'll find that people here understand and are happy to share tips and tools to make things more bearable.

I, too, made mistakes before I learned about BPD. I did a LOT of JADEing. It's something I still struggle with. And my H also tends to pull out every mistake I've made and metaphorically beat me with it.

It's perfectly natural to be frustrated and resentful. I'm sure we all feel that way from time to time when faced with unfair accusations. And no, you can't access those skills easily when you're under attack. It's more productive for practicing those skills in calmer times. For me, it helps to monitor the situation, to see when he might be on edge and use the skills BEFORE he tips over into a dysregulation, thereby stopping it from happening. It doesn't always work, but it has been effective.

Are you still isolated? Do you have friends or family you can go to? You mention abuse. Have you reached out to a local domestic violence organization? My H is also verbally and emotionally abusive and members here encouraged me to contact a DV group. I'm now meeting with a DV counselor and it's extremely helpful.

Also, if you could give a couple of examples of flare-ups (with details), can help us be more specific in advice on how to handle things.

 

Bless you Ozzie101 for your quick response!

You're right... .specifics would be helpful to craft the right dialogue.  Here are some of the things I've been accused of:

- betraying him

- being disrespectful (I agree with this)

- being a "slut, whore, piece of ___, ass, ___, loser," etc

- being a "cheater" (no actual sex... .just a few texts)

- being a "liar to the core"

- being a "narcissistic ass just like your (my) father." (my father was a classic narcissist who left devastation in his wake.  The comparison is unspeakably hurtful to me).   

- not accepting full accountability for my crime (completely untrue)

- not agreeing with his opinion and admitting the texts were ONLY to satisfy my sexual appetite -  ie:  "I know I'm right.  You were just getting off to it.  Just admit it.  You were being slutty because you wanted to be."  (I was insecure, among other things and I was uncomfortable with the communication.  It's not black & white like he'd like me to believe.)

- not being sexual enough with him and using my words against me - ie: "since I was able to text someone sexual messages when I was feeling uncomfortable about it, surely I should be able to be more sexual with him."  (this is simply ludicrous.  If I was any more sexual with him, we'd never leave the house.  We already often don't make it out of the house during the daylight hours.)

- grieving for my own losses instead of ONLY focusing on how HE'S been hurt. (this comes from the fact that I am depressed at the complete loss of my privacy and feel isolated from my friends and family because he monitors my emails and texts and often goes digging into my past communications looking for something - anything - that validates his accusations.)

- being the bad guy... .the only one who is in the wrong... .the cause of all our problems.  All his actions are "justice" for the terrible things I've done to hurt him.   


You get the idea.  I know I'm supposed to validate his feelings and not take his verbal grenades personally, but... .Jesus.  It's bloody hard.  I do my best to say things like "I completely understand how this would make you feel that way", but I don't always have it in me.  Sometimes I just hold my head and scream because I get so overwhelmed.  Obviously, that escalates things.  Sigh.  This one doesn't work but I still keep saying it for some reason... ."You are absolutely entitled to feel angry and hurt, but you"re not allowed to dehumanize me.  I'm not a bad person... .I'm a good person who has made some mistakes."  He doesn't hear that.   

I know what's behind this is extreme insecurity.  So, how do I "validate" his feelings in the face of such hurtful accusations?  That's why I'm hoping to get some lines scripted so that I can pull them out from memory when I need them. 

I love his brain.  It's a beautiful brain.  He's so smart and funny and gifted musically.  He has achieved more in the time we've been together than in any other similar time period in his life.  I see him as the whole, beautiful person he is (but I never try to fix him - he makes his own decisions) and he has risen to my level of expectation in so many ways.  I never miss an opportunity to legitimately praise him and appreciate him.  I can see he soaks it up and truly feels loved for the first time in his life.  He loves me back.   We have an incredibly passionate connection.  People in his life are happy for him because they can see how our coming together has been positive. 

Thanks again for all your help!

I'm still new to this myself, but when I first joined, one other member told me it's not so much about learning a script, but about changing your way of thinking -- your attitude and approach.

It's extremely hard to listen to unfair or untrue (or just plain nasty) accusations and not get angry or defensive. Yet doing so only escalates a problem. The pwBPD is acting on pure emotion.

One thing that's helped in my situation is to stay completely calm. One "validate without validating" line I've heard many times is "I understand. I would be upset, too, if I thought someone had disrespected me (or whatever the accusation is)." One my DV counselor suggested I use when he's getting upset is to calmly and compassionately say something like "Wow, honey. You seem like you're really upset and in a lot of pain. I hate to see you that way. How can I help?" However, she cautioned, it's important to "read the room."

Trying to explain the difference between feeling angry and verbally attacking you isn't something that's likely to be effective when he's dysregulating. That's more a conversation to have when things are calm and even-keeled. Even then, you'd need to choose your words and moment carefully. If he feels ambushed or attacked, no, he won't hear you. Lots of "I" statements. Emphasize how much you want to help.

Boundaries are key here. It's something I struggle with right now but many members here have had success. This article is a good place to start: https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries.

Hi, I'm just seeing your post, but I would to say that being subjected to any type of abuse is un-warranted. And there are so many triggers that it will make your mind spin. You just have to armor yourself against the crisis. They will try to make you feel sorry for them while destroying you. It's always about them and not ANYONE else. Their feelings matter not yours, which is not what a caring person does. Caring people do think about other people.

Invalidating your prospective is their game, their life, their way of sorting their psyche. I've been there. First realize you have a right to express your needs to be treated correctly. You don't always have to say it to them. They will use that to justify that you're the bad guy. Try to be calm, sometimes not engaging them is good. It can't escalate if you don't react. If physical abuse is an issue, then a plan for safe refuse is in order. Family, friends, police, church counselors, etc. can help with that plan.

There are so many times you can apologize, before it becomes pointless. If they're just using it as a weapon. Just say you have made amends for that and do it calmly and don't engage any more. I found that saying you understand that they're upset and hold out an olive branch sometimes makes them more unstable. It gives validity to their non-sense or makes them think you're trying to placate them.

You need defenses against verbal abuse. I could always outwit my wife with the truth about the situation. I never had the problem of an alleged affair, but the principles are the same. It may different for a woman with a physically superior man who would use force if he feels uncomfortable. But ignoring his words to where it doesn't make you react negatively may be hard without help and training. Breathing helps, meditation, and keeping busy helps. Go to a happy place mentally. I wish I had direct advice, but I KNOW there are techniques to help on the internet.

Be Safe.