BPDFamily.com

Hi, BPD family. I haven't been coming around lately. (Why is the font so large? I'm sorry--I don't know how to shrink it.) Anyhow, I thought I would check in.

I will confess that I continued checking in on my ex, looking to see where he was living and if he was still with the woman he got together with after me, right up until a few months ago. So that means, on and off, for almost four years. I would lay off for a while, and then I would want to know: was it over yet? At one point they seemed to be living apart, and then a few months ago I saw that they were in a new apartment that happens to be a mile from my sister's house. This was really upsetting to me. Like, WHY? But also, will I see them around? What would that be like, bumping into one or both of them? Then that supplied this whole train of, I guess, fantasy.

Which is to say: I used the information to prolong the attachment.

Since then, I've stopped looking for information on them. I wish I could say that this was me having resolve and engaging in self-care. It's not that. It's aversion to the awful feeling of knowing anything about him and his new life.

About me: I've continued struggling with depression. I continue to process the experience in therapy, and all the other things that went into my participation in the relationship, and the way I've clung to any form of attachment. I don't lack understanding about these things. It's just that I am not very good at gaining balance and control over my mood.

I take an antidepressant, which I've been on for about 20 years, and it's better than NOT being on it, but I've suffered a whole lot even with it. My NP tried me out on an anticonvulsant (sometimes used for bipolar and also unipolar depression), and it was helping, I think--I felt like I was on a more even keel--though it's hard to tell, since it's up and down with me. But then I had a reaction and had to stop taking it. That was really a bummer. I'm going to try a folate supplement, see if that helps. There's some science behind it.

I'm also about 6 months sober. I wasn't a raging alcoholic, but I was drinking steadily and pretty much daily to deal with sadness and loneliness. I decided that I couldn't afford to have that in my life, with my ongoing mood struggles, so I cut it out. Which I'm sure on balance is good, but of course it leaves me a lot more time sitting with reality.

I understand that I'm dealing with trauma, and it's not going to just fade with time. Trauma isn't like that. I'm not saying the relationship was the original source of trauma; more like, it fed into and reactivated a lot of trauma. (I'm told I have complex PTSD. Crazy childhood.) So I'm just, as they say in my 12-step program, trying to do the next right thing every day.

Anyhow, I just wanted to say hi and say where I'm at. There are some new faces and some old faces here on the boards, but you are all my people.

steelwork   :hi:

I know a bit of what this is like. I'll share that I did glance at my ex's social media, from time to time. It didn't bother me so much because I suppose I saw that she was struggling too, and the other perspective was that I was blessed with a shortcut of getting what I 'wanted'--then I saw that checking her social media didn't give me much benefit.

Very much a yes, I got what I came for, it does feel good, I do feel a bit remorseful that I did that, and I understand that I probably did that because I was missing the other half of my enmeshed relationship. I don't think I'm a bad person for having done it, I'm not pleased with the schadenfreude, and I understand the reasons for it--and I don't think you're a bad person for having done it either.

I suppose it upsets us if any ex is doing seemingly better at a relationship without us--because the pessimistic implication is that the 'issues' were with us. I understand that much, and I do think that self-questioning that comes naturally to us allows us to move forward in healthier self-improving ways--but comes with the uncertainty of how much was 'our deal'. What helps me is to look up what my issues were, what my partner's issues were (I wrote a lot of these down, margins of books, files, etc.) and to let the feeling pass.

I will share with you that people who aren't depressed also go through this stuff. No worries.   

Hi steelwork, glad you checked in 

Good point about trauma,  and interesting observing that it goes way back.  I'm glad you're still working on it. 

Hi, Turkish and gotbushels! Yeah, working on it. I don't feel like I've had any huge breakthroughs, but I'm able to be a little easier on myself.

Nice check-in post, steelwork. 

I hear that none of this is easy and that you're struggling with depression.  At the same time, it sounds you've got a responsive helper on your side (NP) and that things are moving in a positive direction.  I hadn't heard about the folate/depression link and am interested to hear how that goes for you.

It's been a few days since you started this thread.  How's your week going?

(Yay for six months sober, by the way!) 

Well, yes and no. The anticonvulsant was a good idea... .but she took rather a while to even return my call when I left a message about swelling lips. And then she told me to stop taking it, but she didn't have any follow-up suggestions. I'm in a pretty bad hole, and looking for another provider.

My week has been pretty rocky so far. Crying jags, nightmares... .you know.