BPDFamily.com

So today my husband went to see DS, supposedly to look at apartments to rent. DS is in the process of being evicted from his current apartment because of pot smoke and, in reality, because of the fact he has been dealing out of said apartment. He thinks the priority right now is getting a car. Mind you he doesn't even have a license yet, just a learners permit. He also wants to buy a coop not rent an apartment which is fine but he makes the vast majority of his money from illegally selling weed so he cannot get a mortgage and would likely have huge problems with a co-op board. My husband and I had agreed that when he went to see DS today he would gently steer him away from looking at cars. DH said he would tell DS that he is not going to take him to look at cars until after he finds a new apartment. So what happened today? They went to look at a co-op and a car. DS said "dad, I need you to be a father, not a friend" which I take to mean he needed some boundaries today. DH agrees he f-ed up with boundaries. I feel like DH doesn't validate feelings well (something we have talked about a lot during our marriage) but gives in when it comes to actually saying no. I don't want to sound overly critical of DH. He really is a super good person but, like all of us including me, he is a work in progress.  I know he is trying. I just feel frustrated right now because I fear my son getting evicted and put out on the street and there is NO WAY our son can live with us and I really don't want to see him on the street so finding an apartment and moving is really important. AARRRGGGG Do any of you see a constructive way forward? What am I doing wrong?

It's really neat that DS called his dad out, and it sounds like he did it in a respectful way. You and DH are on the same page, I think that's marvelous. As you say, we are all a work in progress and it's great your DH recognized, acknowledged, his misstep.

You're doing a heck of a lot right, FHLKC your DH and your DS as well. This stuff's hard! Continue to celebrate the "wins" while recognizing that the goal is progress, not perfection.

~ OH