BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,
So I have had several issues on my mind lately. I was able to work through some of them today with my dv counselor and I feel much less anxiety than I did.

I spoke to both my counselor and my dv advocate and I have decided not to file for another protection order at this time. We were able to work out my anxieties over that and help me come to a decision. I was reassured that if I feel threatened in the future by stbx uBPDh then I can do the protection order at that time and no one will judge me for not renewing it sooner.
I have also been able to work through the feelings of guilt and obligation that I have when I have to make decisions that involve my best interests vs. someone else's. I have explained the situation I am in with needing to find a place to live on my own, but I am reluctant to leave my roommate with all the bills here. I have received the same advice unilaterally, which is that I need to do what is best for me and my children. The more I hear the same thing, the more I am able to recognize my feelings for what they are and just let them be without anxiety or the compulsion to let them influence my choices. So... .progress.

In other news, I met with my advisor for school today and I am slated to graduate with my bachelor's degree in July of 2020... .eighteen months from now!

She said that they are really proud of me and impressed with how well I am doing, especially considering the trauma I have been through. She was especially impressed with the A in accounting, because many students failed that class... .enough that they are auditing it. I have a GPA of 3.8, and if I maintain that I will graduate with honors.
I'm excited now. I had thought it might be another couple of years before I got my degree, but it is closer than I thought.

My counselor assured me that I am making progress, even when I can't see it.
AND I actually got s3 to get his hair cut today!

Blessings and peace,
Redeemed

Awesome news, Redeemed! 

Freeing yourself from anxiety will help alleviate depression, which will help eliminate guilt and obligation--it is a positive spiral, leading to more emotional freedom and more choice.

And kudos to you for getting such a high GPA, with all the chaos you recently went through! Not only that, you have a tremendous amount of responsibilities with work, your son, and childcare that you do for others.

You're a very intelligent woman--it shines through in your writing ability. Having a degree will open a lot of doors for you.

Thanks, Cat!

I am already looking ahead to the next step which would be a master's degree. I will be the first in my family to do that. I am torn between psychology and some type of writing (English, journalism. Etc.) Lol. I always was indecisive.

Redeemed

AWESOME !   

Red5

Hi Redeemed

Well done

it goes to show what can be achieved when the toxicity is pushed away. At the same time, doing so well under the pressure of it all - i think the word that comes to mind is

"outstanding".   

Thanks Red and Cromwell!

I think this is a great comeback, because I failed both classes the first semester, when uBPDh had his last psychotic episode and I finally left for good. There was no way I could do schoolwork while working, taking care of my son who wasn't yet two years old, and having excessive demands pressed upon me by uBPDh, especially when he purposely refused to let me sleep... .ever.

As soon as I removed myself from that nightmare environment, my grades excelled. Despite the trauma, it's nothing like living with a psychotic abusive meth addict who might kill you.

I'm going to have to take two classes at once from here on out instead of just one at a time, but my advisor said that I have the hardest ones out of the way so I should be fine.

Ironically, a few months back, uBPDh had mentioned to me that he felt good about himself since he is the one who heard about this accelerated program and told me I should try it. So he was essentially trying to take credit for it. He points to that as proof that he is not an abusive person, because abusers generally isolate and prevent their victims from bettering themselves.

He conveniently overlooked the fact that his relapse and subsequent demands of my attention to his "illness" basically sabotaged my ability to finish the first semester, resulting in failing both classes, which I had to retake. In essence, I had to pay almost $3000 for a semester of classes that I had to repeat. I would be graduating in the spring if I could have finished the first semester as planned.

As I look back, I realize that most of my relationship with uBPDh cost me time and thousands of dollars... .among other things.

Redeemed

Redeemed, you are amazing!

I was in a support group last year with other women who had been abused, and some of us had advanced degrees (others did really well in school). We were talking about how school was a piece of cake compared to the crazy relationships that we had at home.