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Continuation from the kids.  We had a fight, like bad, how it use to be.  I don't feel as shaken by it, more frustrated.   We went round and round about the having more kids or not.  Apparently, everything he has been saying about kids and waiting until they get older to do this and that, have more "us" time was a whole crock of $hit. 

He is now saying he said it because a year ago I said 4 times that if he wanted more kids, I was going to leave him.  I didn't put it in that context, that's how he analyzed it.  When I said it, yeah, the thought of having another kid sent me running for the hills.  Honestly, even now, I still don't want more kids. 

Days like today are exhibit A.  He said a whole lot of pretty mean stuff.  I get he was trying to scare me, but all he did was make me chuckle (which I kept to myself).  I looked at him and saw something different.  He has a keen way of becoming this different person when he acts like this.  Unleashing the he! hounds so to speak.  Before I would see this person and cower, now I saw him as a stubborn a$$ who was refusing to even another side to anything.

He's upset that I am doing all this stuff for "me".  Going back to work, starting classes, "refusing" to give him anymore kids.  I am doing stuff for me that is helping us.  I went back to work because he was so strung out, trying to work hard enough to pay for everything.  I am going to school to get an education, to have a career, so we can stop living paycheck to paycheck.  I am worried to have anymore kids because I feel like I will be a shoddy mom because I can't handle three kids. 

He doesn't see all the hard work I do.  He feels I haven't changed, he doesn't know anything about me.  He's upset that I haven't colored as much, he's upset that I don't pay enough attention to him, etc.  Majority of things I do are for this family, the kids, him.  Truth is, I know I have changed.  I look back a year and I see a woman that I don't recognize.  He doesn't see it.  He was to yell about if I don't have more kids he will leave me or knock someone else up.  Go ahead.

I am stretched so thin and he doesn't see it.  I try to tell him, he says it is all an excuse.  All I do know is, I clearly see a path.  I am starting to think he may be right, what we both want, isn't lining up anymore.  I love him, but not sure we see eye to eye on a lot and he's blaming me.

Frankee,      I'm so sorry you are having this trouble. They can be worst than kids themselves when they act in such manners.                                                                                                                                                       
  Quote " Honestly, even now, I still don't want more kids.  "
 Honestly I feel you get the closing vote on this subject , Your body ,your health, mostly your work (taking care of baby) as well as current kids. All while postponing your new career goals.
 I'm not trying to judge you at all (I'm currently working hard at realizing healthy boundaries for myself )  I've been reading a lot on the subject & believe you could benefit from some boundaries for yourself here on this topic. Have you given that any thought? 
 As a husband of 35yrs to a stay at home mom of 2 boys (22 & 24) I've Always told my uBPDw that she had the hardest, most important, non payed 24 x 7 job on the planet. 
 I'm so grateful that we decided to stop after 2  ,22 yrs ago (way before serious BPD issues came to life)
  Your Quote: ( I feel like I will be a shoddy mom because I can't handle three kids)   Don't be so hard on yourself when your pBPD acts that way you are already taking care of 3 kids      

 Lke to hear some more input on my bounaries advice here as by no means am I an expert w these.

Hope & strength  NGY

 PS.
 Quote He was to yell else up.  Go ahead.I about if I don't have more kids he will leave me or knock someone[/glow
  Some of the things they spew at us are so painful to hear, even though we know not to take them personally, Still hard to hear!   
 I use humor( Snicker to myself) to survive the onslaught of harsh words as well .  It works  well for me as long as I don't let one slip out loud.   

Keep up the great work for yourself!
 NGY

Even after our fight and how he said how much he wants more kids and how I knew how important it was, I still don't want more.  It feels like he is living a fantasy.  Saying how him and his dad and granddad had 4-5 brothers.  I see it as a dream crusher and me becoming this endless post partum disaster.

It wasn't just the kid situation.  He feels I have changed, that I am not the woman he met, that my values changed.  That everything I am doing, I have pushed him out, that he's changed for the better, but I am still the same.  I hear, that I am growing and tackling new things and I'm not giving him enough attention.  I said it was F'ed up that he didn't see the changes I have made.

He does the cycle.  Praise, loving support, trying hard to do better.  Cruel, mean, harsh, "getting real". His excuse was I got mad this morning and wanted to fight.  I said no.  He saw it as an opportunity to start a fight and say everything that has been bothering him, when I was just frustrated that I was running late and he was getting mad.  I feel that me getting mad, always gives him a window to "start" a fight.  I am human.

A big problem is, I am not who I was because I am pacifying him less.  I am not scrambling to "make it right", I am getting better at verbalizing my emotions and problems, but it is still hard for me.  I know I need to bring up sensitive subjects when I am not mad.  I am working more at not letting his cutting words get to me.  If that is the change he can't see or doesn't like, then we have a bigger problem than kids.

All the hard work and improvement, now I am feeling what may really end it is the kid problem.  I'm not having anymore.  If that means he leaves me, fine.  If he wants to knock somebody else up, I'm not going to have any part of it.