BPDFamily.com

As we know, pwBPD are unable to deal with several different variables at one time, and can only focus on one thing at the moment.  As such, my H splits me black, and his adult children white.

When H is angry with me, which is almost all of the time (he is really unhappy with his FOO and uNPD X W), he turns to his children for companionship.  One of his Ds works in a cafe as a waitress.  On his days off, H will go out to the restaurant during one of her work shifts, order a meal, just happy to see her for a few minutes and gaze at her from afar.  Several of my close friend have told me how creepy this is.

He speaks to his other D by phone nearly every day for at least 30 minutes.  She lives far across the state.

His son only comes into his life when he needs money.  S is a college dropout, addicted to drugs and alcohol, and often needs money, which usually go right back to drugs and alcohol.  H has sent his S into expensive rehab, and each time S relapese.  But in the presence of his S, it's like they are two college buddies drinking beer.  Really?  Drinking beer and dining in full knowledge the young man is an alcoholic.

I am slowly nearing the end of my empathy rope.  I am tired of being last in H's priorities. I am tired of being berated and bullies for the smallest things.  I am tired of being the wife of a pwBPD.

I was talking to a former work colleague when H came home.  He was out shopping for hobby items and came home to find me not working for his benefit (housecleaning.)  He launched into a hollering fit right then and there while I was on the phone.  I apologised to my colleague and hung up, stating I would call her back. 

Again, I am slowly, by degrees, getting closer to calling it quits.  I am at the point in my life (middle age and retired) where I am letting go of things (people and things) that don't help my life move forward. 

You are pretty clear about your husband's behavior with his adult children and how you feel like a fifth wheel. And you sense that your utility for him is related to the housekeeping services you provide.

His expressions of anger have caused you to lose your compassion for him and now you're wondering what is worthwhile in this relationship.

What do you believe is keeping you in this marriage?

To be honest, as someone here said, I am accustomed to the financial security.  H provides a level of comfort that I like, so tolerating his dysregulations is the price I pay.  I now know it's the BPD talking.  Inside, H is just a co ward of a man, the kind of man who would try to bully his wife into doing things, all the while tolerating the abuse from his adult children.  They all suck up to him when the want things:  vacations, luxury items, things for the grandchildren, etc.  If he does not capitulate, they blackmail him:  they will never come to visit anymore, he cannot see the grandchildren, etc.

I am well aware of the price I pay.  I just wish it was not so.