BPDFamily.com

 :help:
I found this site by reading the "stop walking on eggshells" book. 
I am feeling overwhelmed with the information on here and am not sure where to start.  I am really trying to figure out how to make the communication work right now, but I never know which version of my spouse I am going to get from day to day. 
Some days its an easy going understanding loving spouse who is fun to be around, other days its an angry spouse who rages out and destroys our property , some days he is so angry and everything is my fault and he wants a divorce, then we move into the "I'm so sorry you are everything I want and need spouse", and then of course there is the drug abusing/drug seeking cycle.  The emotional lability makes it impossible to be anything but neutral all the time. 

Most recently my spouse wants to know why I've become so "emotionless" and I don't share things with him anymore.  He accused me of being shallow and not wanting a deep and meaningful marriage.  and it's not like I'm emotionless, I'm very caring, loving, and kind and always make sure I am there to support through all physical, emotional, and financial needs. (he doesn't seem to think this counts for much).  The deep romantic sharer in me was beat down so many times I can't put myself out there like that, I continually set myself up for emotional turmoil every time.  For example, I used to leave love notes each day, but he told me it seems like I must be hiding something from him if I felt the need to leave a love note. (I can't even comprehend this thought process).  If I would text a sweet romantic text message, I would be accused of being manipulative and untrustworthy.  If we went out on a date, he would accuse me of exchanging glances with both men and women and then threaten to cheat on me for embarrassing him.  (We don't go out anymore and when we are at the store I make it a point to not make eye contact with people.)

I've seen quite a few posts where people are saying they are in 'robot' mode and I can relate to that.  What is the best way to open up and communicate in a healthy way if your spouse rejects their diagnosis of BPD and thinks the problem is everyone else and not them?  I always end up feeling like there is something about me I need to fix in order for our marriage to be better. How do I understand the other side of this?

Hello, marlamaison, and welcome! :hi:

While I'm glad you've found us here, I'm also sorry for the circumstances that brought you. You'll find that the Jekyll/Hyde dance is all too familiar to the other members here.

It's easy to get overwhelmed, especially early on. There's just so much information and so many issues to deal with.

You mention the rages and destruction of property. Could you give a specific example of one of these instances? How do you react when he acts out like this? I don't want to pry, but knowing details can help us give you the tools you may need to help prevent situations from escalating.