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Hello,

I have been with my BPD partner for almost 10 years now. We are both 29yo gay males. This is a simialr topic I have posted about previously but not in many years, however it has come up again.

My boyfriend is very jealous that one of his friends is interacting with me and talking with me (platonically). He insists that this friend now likes me better and is basically splitting and going no contact with the friend because of this. I know I can’t let my boyfriend’s actions manipulate mine, nor should I engage in JADE however the following is what the tricky part is for me.

What is it I should tell the friend? It’s an awkward situation. If I go see this person but my BF is not there, the friend will likley ask where he is since he asked to hang out with us both. I don’t want to lie but there is really no way of saying anything without bringing up that my bf feels like you like me better than him so he doesn’t want to hang out at all. Although this is the truth and usually I am a proponent of the truth, this is awkward and also makes me feel like I am in someway talking bad about my bf to this friend because of how clearly immature that statement makes my boyfriend sound. This friend is not yet close enough with my BF to really know this darker BPD side of him, and I really don’t feel as if it should be me to tell this friend about any of his personal issues such as this. 

Any advice for how I should approach this?

Thanks

Welcome back paintingblack!  :hi:

I know this is a very optimistic approach, but can you talk to your bf about this issue? In your last post you mentioned that he is self concious enough to see the problem, so maybe you can carefully strike up a conversation about this situation and together figure out an excuse that he is comfortable with? Or even better a way to make him feel secure enough to join you?

If this is not possible, I would probably keep it vague and just say that your bf doesn't feel like hanging out at the moment. I agree that it's important to respect your bf's privacy and not elaborate on the exact circumstances. 

Is your bf trying to work on his self-esteem issues (e.g. in therapy)?

Unfortunately I did try to talk about it but it did not go particularly well. He just says he doesn’t care and is tired of dealing with it. Of course loudly saying I don’t care because he very much does care.

I also said that I hoped he could work to value himself more and see that it isn’t a situation where the value of his friendship is in doubt. He stated that he very much values himself and that’s exactly why he is responding like this. Apparently every time they hang out or talk the friend just asks about me and when am I coming over. I cannot be sure, but I very much doubt this is the case. However to my boyfriend that makes it seem like his friendship alone isn’t good enough or valued.

I do think keeping it vague is probably the best answer to my earlier question, even if it’s not a great answer. There is no good answer I am afraid. Part of me feels bad for interfering in a friendship but then the rational side of me knows I didn’t really do anything wrong, and it is just my bf’s feelings regarding it making it more difficult that it needs to be.

Ah that's a shame. It sounds like he is in denial about his motivations and there probably isn't much you can do about that besides expressing your compassion and support. 

Unfortunately I have no other ideas how to approach this at the moment, but I think it's important that you do what you want to do and don't let your bf's insecurities control you.  Maybe he will come around at some point.