BPDFamily.com

I feel very inconvenienced by having to provide information about our children to my udxBPD-soon-to-be-ex. She abandoned our children and myself almost 18 months ago, and moved 1000+ miles away to be in a relationship with another man.

She likes to tell me, "I left you, no my boys"

The thing is that, she had no reason to move so far away from them. Leaving me, I had always accepted that it was a possibility. She had been in a few other "emotional" relationships during our 15 year marriage. (She swears that it was never "physical", but I am not so sure about that either, not that it matters at this point)

She swears that our boys are the most important things in her life, and that I am keeping them from her. How can she say they are the most important when she says she is happy where she is? If they were the most important, I would have to believe that she would find a way to be closer and be a part of their lives. She has no intention of making such an attempt.

I know she caught a lot of crap from extended family when she moved away, for leaving the boys, and I believe that her custody time is really just for show, to tell friends and family, "see, I love my kids and I still get some time with them... ." as if this in some way makes her a good mother.

However, when she starts asking for minute details of the ins-and-outs of everything going on with our boys, I still get very irritated and indignant. It always devolves to me telling her that if she was so interested in being a part of their lives, that she wouldn't have abandoned them and moved 1000+ miles away from them to be with someone else. That she would be in a position to be able to actually be a part of their lives. To which she hangs up on me. I don't feel that she is entitled to anything after abandoning her children and not making an effort to  come see them for over 14 months.

I WANT her to take accountability and understand that what she has done, does have consequences. By giving her the information she wants, and being polite she is getting the control and attention she expects and it is very frustrating.

As a note, I have Narcolepsy w/Cataplexy, and I am physically exhausted. due to other medical issues, I cannot have Antidepressants or the "wonderdrug" sleep med for Narcolepsy. I am so EXTREMELY exhausted. I am sure that plays a part.

I want to forgive her. I have forgiven her for leaving me. How do I forgive her for what she did to our children? I don't know, I am just frustrated... .