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Title: How to get off the phone without upsetting her? Post by: Omega1 on January 29, 2019, 02:32:29 PM Sometimes she calls me, and we stay on the phone a long time - either its because she's driving, or she's somewhere on her own and has free time. The thing is, she does't even talk to me the whole time - she's texting or busy doing something else, and just keeps me on the line.
I want to talk to her, but since its the workday, I can't stay on the phone for half an hour or longer. If I'm the one to say I should really go, she gets very upset, especially if I'm getting off the phone so I can work. I do want to chat and hear about her day, but I really don't want to stay on the phone while she reads to me from Facebook or a text someone sent her or while she texts someone back. It feels really disrespectful to me. I don't want to get angry, so I do need to say 'something'? I know I don't set boundaries well. 1. How do I ask her to focus on me during the call? It seems such an odd thing to have to ask someone? 2. How do I end the call gently without triggering or upsetting her? Thanks! Title: Re: How to get off the phone without upsetting her? Post by: Purplex on January 29, 2019, 04:19:25 PM This sounds like a good example to practice SET. In my opinion you already mentioned everything that is important in your post:
Support: Excerpt I do want to chat and hear about her day Empathy: Excerpt she's driving, or she's somewhere on her own and has free time. What might be her underlying feelings here? How could you adress them according to SET?Truth: Excerpt but since its the workday, I can't stay on the phone for half an hour or longer. I encourage you to try formulating this in a way that would be suitable for you next call. Feel free to share your thoughts! Title: Re: How to get off the phone without upsetting her? Post by: Steps31 on January 29, 2019, 04:39:16 PM I had the exact same experience, and I also was bad at setting boundaries... .
Some nights she would talk until my phone battery died... .and I tell you, some nights I'd be praying for that 1% to go down and it would take so long! So yes, I think setting boundaries and SET is the humane way to be for both parties. Title: Re: How to get off the phone without upsetting her? Post by: Purplex on January 29, 2019, 04:49:48 PM Thanks for offering your perspective Steps31!
Would you mind sharing an example how you used SET in this specific situation? What did you say? Title: Re: How to get off the phone without upsetting her? Post by: Steps31 on January 29, 2019, 06:22:36 PM Hi Purplex
Maybe I was unclear... .I suffered from the fate of NOT using SET or setting boundaries and my sanity paid the price for it. I just wanted to contribute that I identified with the OP and will definitely use the healthier alternative if and when there's a next time. Title: Re: How to get off the phone without upsetting her? Post by: Purplex on January 31, 2019, 03:12:58 PM Ah I see sorry for the misunderstanding Steps31!
I find those tools very valuable as well, not only in relation to BPD but as life skills in general. Title: Re: How to get off the phone without upsetting her? Post by: Steps31 on January 31, 2019, 03:42:57 PM Definitely!
All this reading and living through BPD forges one into developing stronger personal skills that can apply everywhere. (Either that or be blown away like wind) Title: Re: How to get off the phone without upsetting her? Post by: Omega1 on February 01, 2019, 11:30:08 AM One thing that's helping, is encouraging her to fill her time more, to be busier. When she's busy or has other demands, she makes fewer demands on me.
I also make sure I say I need to go - but not for work - using a different reason, like something at the house, so its something for 'us'. |