BPDFamily.com

Hey all -

I'm new to the site and I look forward to learning what I can about how to support my BPD daughter without enabling her bad behaviors.  I'll share a little about our situation by way of introduction:

My wife and I have been married for 27 years.  Our oldest is our 21-year old son and our youngest is our 19-year old daughter.  Both, since their early to mid-teen years, have exhibited what I interpreted to be immature and selfish behaviors.   

Our daughter maintained that she must be bi-polar and she engaged in self-harm in the form of cutting.  She had several close friends who were in therapy and doing the same things.  We took this as imitation and designed to elicit attention - me more so than my wife and I think I was more skeptical than in denial.  She began to gravitate toward "at risk" kids and use marijuana.  This was followed closely by reckless and sometimes unlawful behaviors.  Our daughter's behaviors drove her more average and otherwise successful friends away.  This had her spending more time with others struggling with their own issues, some very serious.  It seemed that as she was getting older she was also regressing.  She struggles to maintain relationships and given the way that she treats us this isn't surprising.  She holds a significant sense of loss of some of these relationships but she doesn't seem to recognize that her actions were the cause of these failures.  Similarly, she doesn't seem to understand that A) she did something wrong to damage them, and B) she can do something to repair them, the few which might be salvageable. 

Our daughter was diagnosed as BPD, although her psychiatrist tells her that the meds that seem to be helping wouldn't be effective if she had BPD.  The theory is that she's actually bi-polar, but there are so many things about BPD that fit for me to move on to what seem to be much more ambiguous indicators of bi-polar.  Maybe this is just more denial on my part - I don't know.  Our daughter had been attending individual therapy, and this seemed fruitful for a while but eventually she no-showed enough times that her therapist removed her as a client. 

As I'm learning more about BPD I see that many of the problems we've had with our son also seem to fit.  He's much more unreasonable and ragey (if that's a word) when he acts out than she is, but still it all fits.  He also used marijuana, and alcohol.  When he turned 21 he began to drink a lot.  This escalated until he was arrested and spent a few days in jail.  That was an eye-opening experience and it seemed to cure him of that interest.  More recently he seems to have begun to see the light at the end of the post-high school educational tunnel and he's really begun to apply himself.  There are still occasional flareups but he seems to be taking charge of his life.

My wife and I are well-adjusted and successful professionals.  There are some in our extended families who have their own issues, but none seems to be BPD as I understand it. 

Neither of the kids was abused to our knowledge.  I am a cancer survivor and we had a difficult couple of years when I was dealing with that.  The kids were 8 and 6 and at the time they didn't seem to be significantly impacted.  I can't help but wonder if this was traumatic and contributing to their issues. 

Recently our daughter has begun to drink alcohol a lot.  She drives after drinking and also after smoking.  She's had several scrapes with the law which have required her to go to court and pay fines, but none has been so significant as to alter her behaviors.  She holds a negative impression of her brother's short-lived issues with alcohol and she at times recognizes the problem with her own behaviors, but she continues to behave recklessly.  She drinks enough to be hung over and sick as a dog the next day, and after a day if recovery she goes right back to it.  She hasn't been drinking long enough to be physically addicted in my view. 

Our daughter has told us that she just doesn't want to grow up.  She recognizes that she can't and shouldn't behave as she does and she's said as much.  She has also said that she just wasn't ready to not do these things anymore.  Last week she told us that she wanted to go to treatment.  She'd called a treatment hotline and this initiated a sales campaign for her and for me from a company in Florida.  This is very appealing to her (it's going to be -33 degrees here tonight) and she views this as an escape - going somewhere where she can be happy.  She was open to exploring options local to us but this has faded.  She's mentioned being able to ride horses and doing other fun stuff at the facility in Florida and it seems that she's more interested in the vacation aspects than she is in the treatment aspects.  This is just the latest in her manipulative behaviors and it's much easier now than before for me to tell her that I recognize this and that I won't allow it.  At the same time, she would benefit from a comprehensive form of treatment and I don't see that we can get this for her if we insist that it happen locally. 

So, there you have it in a nutshell.  Thanks for reading.   

Welcome,
What a great job you did laying out the situations in your post, that helps when others come along to provide appropriate feedback, thank you! 
Many of us parents and grandparents enjoy posting and giving and getting help from each other. Many of us are dealing with substance abuse disorders also.

At the top of the page there is a post about making use of the site that helps to orientate to the resources here.  There is a wealth of information in reading the posts also.

Very sorry to hear about the years dealing with cancer, that is never easy, hope all is well now.

Anyway mostly saying hi and welcome! Your in a top notch place to discover information on borderline personality disorder.

Do you think the treatment center in florida is an option?

Hi. Just wanted to say you are not alone. My dad is almost 18 and I’m ready for her to move out to create some peace in my home. Unfortunately, like your dd she’s burned every bridge with friends over the past two years and insists they’re “mean” and “it’s not all her fault “. My daughter has been in a residential treatment facility in illinois for a week and every call results in her creating distractions/drama to avoid doing any work on herself.

I’m new to the site but a veteran of BPD behavior. I don’t have any insight but you’re not alone. A side note, I just signed up for a NAMI class near me called Family to Family. Just another layer of support to help us parents from being sucked down the rabbit hole.

Hey Doing What I Can welcome, I love your name   Me too, along with parents here, doing what we can.  

  What a great opportunity to explore further with her, accept her word. Yes her view and your view maybe different right now, you can close the gap, overtime, take it gently, no rush. My DD has been through DBT, no horses, however she homed a kitten and this has helped her self sooth and take responsibility, care for someone apart from herself (her previous cat died, 2 years earlier during her crisis, dx). Animals are healing, they are therapeutic companions, our children/adults, feel less alone. So you could say my DD's been through a similar version of US RTC, we don't have access to your version of RTC in the UK as far as I'm aware. My advice is to focus on ensuring you are getting gold star DBT or which ever therapy you are advised for your DD and also listening to your DD so you understand, accept and can provide her needs and expectations, what is important to her... .she's in the driving seat to getting into treatment.

I do think it important to reflect on, learn from our sensitive children their trauma. Our children are highly perceptive from birth. My DD is exploring her trauma and as she goes along, she accepts, understands, she's healing. Yesterday my DD had a mole removed, same procedure as when she was 6. Problem was at 6 they did not give her the right amount of local anaesthetic, she felt everything, it was horrid, this is trauma. Hats off to the professionals yesterday, she was able to explain her trauma, anxiety, they were fabulous, listened, validated her, assured her she would not feel any physical pain, they were true to their word. She came away happy and relieved. I won't mention (oops I have) she left her mobile in the cab on the way to the hospital, added stress, she got it back.

Understanding our sensitive children's trauma is real and it is worthy of a new thread, discussion.

What are your next steps, Doing What I Can? I've found it helpful to change my approach.

WDx

Hi Doing What I Can

Along with the others, I welcome you to BPD Family  :hi:

You've gotten some great responses from DharmaGate, MjoBPD, and Wendydarling and there's not much more I could add. I mostly just want you to know that you are not alone.

You've given a great summary of what life has been like for you all and I hope you'll continue to share and learn along with us.

~ OH

Thanks all for your insights, encouragement, and responses.  I checked back a week or so ago and didn't see any, but an email bringing my attention to the most recent response brought be back --- I must not have been navigating back correctly absent that link. 

In response to one question, the treatment center in Florida could be an option, but our impression is that she's more interested in going to Florida than she is in receiving treatment.  We're in cold and snowy Minnesota, and it has been an especially harsh winter this year, so I can't blame her for feeling this way. 

Since I posted she was arrested for DUI and has lost her driver's license.  That seemed a sobering experience, if I may make light of a serious subject.  She's had to quit her job, which frankly wasn't lucrative enough to make the effort for.  My advice has been to get a chemical dependency assessment, which she did, and to initiate treatment BEFORE having to appear in court.  With some prodding she did this, but upon learning that she'd have to do UAs while attending she's gotten cold feet.  She's convinced that alcohol, and the underlying reasons that she abuses substances are the only problems - smoking pot is "good" for her.

She's now much more interested in DBT therapy than she is in substance abuse treatment and we'll accept this if it's what we can get.  It sure beats what she has going on right now.  Outpatient therapy was recommended and we'd like her to get her limited license back so she can drive to and from.  She'd also be able to drive to and from work on that license and we know that she would benefit from spending time at treatment and at work rather than bumming rides and hanging out with friends. 

There has been other drama, most of it self-created.  She associates with troubled people in places where problems will predictably occur and when they do she just doesn't seem able to see that she has a lot of control over whether or not these things happen to her.  I don't know how much of this I should attribute to her issues and how much of it I should attribute to her being an immature 19 year old.

Thoughts on any of it?

Nice to meet you DWIC although like others I am sorry for the circumstances. It seems like you are doing everything you can for both of your children. I don't blame you for being hesitant to send DD to Florida if she isn't really motivated to change. I honestly don't know if it is a good idea or not, just affirming your hesitance. Regarding your question about what behaviors are BPD and what behaviors are being 18 who knows? There is probably lots of crossover there. Either way treatment will help her to eventually make the connection between choices and consequences. Meanwhile please do take care of yourself. This is a real marathon and you will need to keep up your strength. Take ❤. You are not alone. If anything we all have each other.

Regarding their behaviors - what's a typical teen vs borderline behaviors... the research I did showed we need to look at the reason for the behavior. If they cut - are they trying it because they are curious and figure out it's not for them or are they doing it to get relief. Drinking - are they participating in fun parties where there is a thrill of exploring drinking, flirting, fun or are they drinking to become numb?

One of the things that dialectical behavior therapy teaches is that two seemingly opposite things can both be true at the same time. She is probably struggling with the transition to adulthood and she has issues that may be a combination of bipolar, trauma, and BPD traits, if not the full-blown dx.

Blaire Aguirre's book BPD in Adolescence is helpful in navigating some of your questions about what's normal/not normal for teens. Among other things Aguirre expands on the insight that isanni shared about looking for the reasons that someone self-harms.

Whether your daughter is bipolar or BPD (or both) or going through a hard phase in adolescence, DBT is likely to be helpful in managing intense emotions.

And you may be correct that the kids were impacted by your cancer treatment -- kids at that age will not likely have the language to express how they feel and lacking the language means they aren't able to make sense of what's happening and the fears about losing you or feeling helpless to tend to adult needs when their own needs are so pressing.

Whether you send your D to a residential treatment center or she does DBT nearby, it's helpful to participate in some kind of therapy to understand what she's learning. There are so many non-intuitive interpersonal skills and insight into intimacy and emotion that can help stabilize a troubled adult and skilling up can go a long way.

Are you leaning toward the residential treatment center?