BPDFamily.com

I’m currently living with someone who probably has undiagnosed BPD. He said he was diagnosed with being bipolar, but after reading about BPD, I believe he and I both have BPD in some form or another. He may also have narcissistic tendencies.

We both grew up in Asian households where physical and verbal abuse were norm. He told me that he went to the hospital because his dad had hit him so hard.

I don’t know what to do because I’m trying my best to make things work out but he won’t let me go to therapy and also refuses to go. He thinks that because of how toxic our relationship is, that therapists would just tell us to break up and move on. But all we both want to do is figure out how to live with each other. I love him and believe that even if he has these problems, we can somehow work through them and want to go to therapy to figure out how we can do so. So I can stay in the relationship, not leave it.

2 Years ago, when we first got together, he was engaged to his now wife. He said that they were on a break and that he was in an open relationship because she was asexual. He married her because he didn’t want to be alone. They dated on and off for 10 years or so and he considers her more part of the family than a wife.

He told me to date other people because he didn’t want to tie me down as he knew his situation wasn’t great. If he ever were to meet “the one,” he would eventually divorce his wife, but it had to happen naturally. He wanted me to tell him if I were to ever sleep with anyone. I should’ve been truthful to him about what I wanted because I didn’t want to date other people.

I wanted to stop seeing him but I have bad impulse control as well. I went on these dates to distract me from him because I didn’t want to seem too clingy or needy. He’s an alpha male, very successful, and popular, so I overthought EVERYTHING. I would go on these dates to distract me from the issues we had, which was that he was going to get married.

Their break only lasted a couple months but everything was already set. Wedding invitations had already gone out, deposits made, and people already knew. For him to break up his wedding for a girl he had just met 3-4 months ago, would’ve been too devastating and embarrassing for him and his wife.

I wasn’t confident enough to tell him the truth but I ended up sleeping with a couple people, one of them being my ex and another guy who was in sort of in his circle of friends. I didn’t tell him because I ended up falling harder and then he fell for me…which I never thought was possible. He did some digging and later found out but wanted to give me time to tell him myself.

That didn’t happen and when divorce came up with his wife, he said he gave her another chance because I wasn’t truthful. But the whole time, our relationship kept progressing. We wanted to see each other more and more.

His wife knew he was sleeping around, but he didn’t want to tell her that he was actually just with one girl. He said he had to keep it a secret from her because she then wouldn’t have agreed to having the open relationship.

When he found out and I told him everything. Things got really bad. He always had anger issues but I never thought it could be this bad. He actually had a psychotic break and I was so scared for my life, but I couldn’t leave him. I didn’t want him to leave. I felt like I was the one who created this “monster.”

He told his wife about our affair so now she knows. But she ended up trying to turn his family against him telling them that he was sleeping around, but didn’t talk about how they had agreed to the open relationship. He felt betrayed by her when he needed her most after my finding out about my betrayal.

It’s been about 6 months since he found out and he ended up separating from his wife. They talk regularly but we’re living together now.

But the punishment that he’s dealt me was that he is going to try to replicate what I did with those guys and date around.

He will never marry me legally because his wife doesn’t want a divorce, and he believes that I don’t deserve to get everything that I want. I at least have him.

At first his wife complained that he was never around so she ended up requesting him to sleep over once a week. He made excuses and didn’t want to go over. He said he would rather go over twice a week but not sleep over because she goes to sleep early and he sleeps late. I am also a night owl so we always go to sleep late together.

One day, he’s just angry, abuses me, then calls her to abuse her. He said he wanted divorce because there’s no reason for him to be with her. He hated all these requirements that she had of him to go over and spend time with her so she agreed to let him come over only when he wanted to.

I feel bad for her because he spends most of his time with me and doesn’t want to go see her. When she does call him, he just wants to know the reason for her call and wants to hang up. I feel bad for her because she has it worse than me. At least I get to spend time with him. I tell him he shouldn’t act like that to her and he agrees, but when he’s hurt, he just wants to hurt other people. I think he really wants HER to divorce so he doesn’t look like the bad guy and so always threatens her with divorce, but then he never goes through with anything. He doesn’t want to abandon her because he feels bad, but at the same time treats her like ___.

It’s been really rough going through this ordeal. He verbally and physically abuses me whenever he has bad thoughts. And the worst part is that he feels justified.

I’m VERY REMORSEFUL and full of REGRET with the cheating and betrayal. I hate myself and anytime he starts feeling bad, I tend to want to commit suicide. He’s called the cops before because I had bad thoughts, but I didn’t want to be apart from him. I have severe anxiety and it’s affecting my life.

We both KNOW that our relationship is toxic but we want to be with each other so much. I feel that getting treatment for BPD is the only way we can be together, but I don’t know how to bring it up to him.

None of the steps to dealing with someone with BPD work. If I tell him that we should talk about the details of my betrayal later, when he’s more calm, he thinks I’m dismissing his feelings and/or my actions so gets even angrier. If I leave because I don’t feel safe, he comes after me or threatens that our relationship will be over for good. And that’s not what I want.

I tell him that maybe we need some time apart to just figure out our feelings, but he threatens that that signifies the end for us. I don’t know what to do and I feel trapped. I don’t want to leave but I feel like I’m going to die if I stay.

I told him that I was giving up and leaving and he threatened to commit suicide.

He monitors my finances so I can’t even go see a therapist behind his back. I know he’s not the only one with issues, but I don’t know what to do.

Is there anyone who can help me?

I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I can’t leave…I believe that even those with BPD deserve love... I just don’t know how to deal with everything they come at me for.

There is no winning with him. It’s his way or the high way and because of his BPD, he has no boundaries. He believes that if I put a requirement or boundary on our love, that I don’t love him.

Is there anyone out there who can give me advice on this situation besides leaving the relationship?

Is our relationship even salvageable?

Hi passionate luv


Yes there is!   People here understand what you're going through, even if it seems very difficult, we can support you, So welcome to the boards!

Lots to talk about here so lets start slow.

So how are you doing? since you mention abuse I want to ask if you're in a safe spot to talk right now. is there someone you rely on when things get bad? friends, family, someone on the phone? I know of a help number over text (741741) if voice is awkward or not an option.

You mention this has been going on for some time, did something happen recently that prompted you to seek advice?

Hello and welcome.  I am glad you posted and reached out for help.  We do understand here and will help you and no, we won't urge you to leave.  That choice is for you to make. 

Like Snap, I am concerned about your safety.  The text line he gave you is an excellent resource to try.  We are here also and can serve as a support system as you try to work on things and navigate your way through to a better place for you in your relationship.  We have seen some very difficult situations turn around.  It takes time and effort but it can be done.

Please post again and tell us if you are safe and how you are. 

When you say toxic, is it moods and fighting you are talking about? Can you tell when a fight is brewing and before things go bad? Often we can see these things coming and can make de-escalating maneuvers.

Tell us a little about the positive side of things. What is it that makes this relationship special?

Hi PassionateLuv,

*welcome*

I want to join the others and welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m sorry for the circumstances that led you to this site. I’m glad that you decided to join us there is hope. I can relate with feeling like you want to go but wanting to stay at the same time.

This is a safe place where you won’t be judged or invalidated for your thoughts and feelings. You’re in the r/s it’s your choice with what you want to do we’re youre listening board that’s here 24/7/365.

I think it’s commendable that you want to get help for yourself it’s not easy to admit that it takes guts. Some people get scared when their SO changes and becomes healthier they worry about their own condition and if they’re still worthy for you.

You are needed in this world.

You were born for a reason, that is bigger than our understanding.

Death is not the answer.
I think the lesson repeats and repeats until we work through it.

Do you have someone you can talk too?
How can he monitor you finances when he is married to someone else?
Do you have access a psychologist or clergy?

It might benefit you to seek the advice of someone who has helped others who have been in your shoes, and walked your mile.

Listen to your heart and others who have experience to get your answer about the future.
 

Thank you all so much. We recently got into a fight and he started to hit me while we were in the car. I guess what triggered it  was that I opened the door and jumped out. I just wanted the hitting to stop. I'm not hurt, just scratched a bit, but it really scared me.
Right now, to punish me, he is on dating sites, dating other women. I'm not allowed to show any emotions of being hurt or sad or jealous because then he gets mad (probably because it makes him feel bad). He also said that he's never going to legally marry me. For me or for his wife, it's either accept his conditions, or leave. She is aware of the situation, and although we've never met, i feel really bad for her. I know i should leave if I don't feel safe, but I don't know if I'd even feel safe leaving. I don't know what he might do. I know he's tried to commit suicide before when  a college girlfriend broke up with him. He was only able to come back because his family was very accepting of him. I honestly don't know what i'm looking for from these message boards but because right now I feel like i can't talk to people around me, this was the best option without him finding out.

After the cheating, i've cut off contact with mostly everyone in my life because he gets so jealous or thinks everyone else is insignificant. My family found out about the situation with his wife and was furious. My brother threatened him and the only reason why my boyfriend hasn't lashed out is because of me. He gets so angry if there is any slight to his ego/pride. My boyfriend has pretty much cut me off from my family. But it's also my fault because I am agreeing with him. I know that he doesn't want that as he still cares about his reputation with them, but I don't know how to repair our relationship and the one with my parents.

Focusing on the positives now... .I love spending time with him. He makes me so happy. We both love eating late night food, are night owls, and have similar interests. I never thought I could have fun just sleeping next to someone. We didn't have to be doing anything. Because of the situation with his marriage, we spend a lot of quality time together, just hanging out. We didn't have to be doing anything. We spent hours just talking in the car for about a year and half. He fulfilled all my needs. Everyone that didn't know he was already married, assumed we were together. Right now, if I were to only think of me, I think i'd leave, but because I care about him so much, I want to stay and try to work things out. I know that deep down, he realizes how he is and I see that side of him, the one he never lets anyone see. I see moments of truth and clarity, although brief. I believe that EVERYONE deserves love, even more so if they are mentally ill, so I want to stick this through. For him. For us. We just need guidance on the HOW.

Are people with extreme BPd and narcissistic qualities able to forgive? Sometimes he makes me wonder if he loves me. I love him so much and just want to know ways of how we can be together but the abuse is hard to deal with and I don't know when this punishment phase will stop. It seems he is never able to let go unless he let's go of me.

Hi passionateluv


My first instinct is to figure out a way to stop the fights.

What happened before the hitting started? Did you guys argue about something?

These intense fights started after he found out about my cheating and betrayal. He was married and I didn't see it really going anywhere. He wanted me to date because he didn't want to tie me down with his situation as he didn't know where it would lead either. I took the cowards way out and I tend to sabotage myself all the time. Not to blame that, but the abuse started after that... .So whenever he starts getting bad thoughts or feels pain, he lashes out, like a kid. I hate seeing him hurt but he doesn't know how to let go of things. I guess he's been cheated on a lot in the past and he just cut them out of his life. But he doesn't want to do that with me. We know we love each other and want to be with each other forever. He is very immature with his emotions and of course, he is NEVER to blame for ANYTHING. He tells me to break up with him because he doesn't want the responsibility of "ruining" our relationship. If I do it, it was out of his control. Same with his wife. He always threatens her with divorce, but he never wants to pull the trigger. Nothing is ever his fault. We can never have a real conversation because he projects everything onto me and if I don't agree or walk away or do anything that doesn't sit well with him, he starts to get angry.

It sounds like you are saying that he is abusive, you don't like it, but you are not going to risk ending the relationship by standing up against it. That is a hard place to be.

How physical has the abuse been - whats the worse that happened? How often does physically happen?

As i'm trying to write this... I can't believe I'm even saying that something like this happened to me... .
He always slaps my face or punches me in the stomach. He's kicked me a few times. I've gotten bruises on my face - black eye, nose... .
I can't even believe why I'm not leaving... .even after writing this... .