BPDFamily.com

Yesterday, I was waiting for a prescription at the doctors office, and my pwBPDh joined me ranting and raving about the cost of his medical insurance. He was loud and said "Now I know why people come into places like this and shoot people". I quietly said "Don't say that", noticing that people were moving away from us, and at the pharmacy window they looked concerned. This isn't the first time that he has publicly let loose of his anger without regard to who might be in the stream of 'fire'. I knew that his trigger had been pulled (as he was huffing and puffing), eyes darting etc. Knowing what this could mean from the past, I was within his scope and would be his victim.

This morning, he got up, huffed and puffed around the house, obviously mad at me. He then went into full discourse as to the dog being in the house and how allergic he is to the dog. He won't take medications, place air filters etc. to make things better. Two years ago he made me take my dog to a shelter. He then said I could take the dog back home, and at the dogs elder age (14) she stays in my office all day. I get that he is allergic, and rather than ignore his pleas, I asked what I could do to make it better. The answer was nothing. If the dog stays or the dog goes, the house is contaminated. His answer is to not sleep in the house anymore. I'm being punished.

This is just another case of rage. He throws things, ignores me, and basically treats me like dirt. I question my own sanity at this point. One day I'm the cat's meow and the next day I'm mud. Nothing has happened differently, it's all in his mind and he's mad. I just feel like crying or closing my eyes and going to sleep. At least I wouldn't be in so much pain. Just when you think life is going smoothly, you hit a pothole.

Do BPD's get high on rage?

I'm so, so sorry you're feeling this kind of pain. When a loved one deliberately sets out to hurt us, the pain is exponentially worse. I've been there -- still am there in a lot of ways.

Sometimes it seems like they do feed on the rage, doesn't it? My H can get super worked-up about completely benign things. I stay cool and calm, which he claims makes him worse. He's actually admitted that he tries to push my buttons and attack me so that I'll lash out and rage like he does.

Are you doing any kind of self care? Do you have friends and family you can hang out with? Hobbies? When we're dealing with so much chaos and trauma at home, it's easy to lose sight of ourselves but it's so important to strengthen your own emotional health.

As I write this, I'm trying not to cry. My self care has always been my kids and my dogs, a few friends and SIL. Most of my friends have left, because I have stayed. He knows how much I love my old dog (the other passed away), and tonight has said that if I loved him, I'd put my dog down. She is a source of happiness to me, and he knows that. I'm trying to work through the heart ache of putting down a dog who is healthy (old), or having hell at home. Nothing else is enough.

Things I do with my dog: we go for long walks, she stays at my feet in my office as I work, she loves me as I love her. She trusts me. Most would think I'm crazy, but I think of her as a fur kid. She was abused when I adopted her by a man and doesn't trust any man (my son is an exception).  So, he wants me not to have my girl anymore because she runs when she sees him. It isn't just about his allergies, he hates my dog.

Until the time comes that I have to let her go, I'll enjoy her. Not sure how much longer she will be here, and I am crushed.

Oh loyalwife, I'm so sorry.

I'm a dog lover too and it's so painful to know a loved one is slipping away.

It sounds like her "rejection" and your close relationship with her threatens him and makes him jealous. Do you think that's right?

Not that it excuses anything. When someone we love, who is supposed to love us, is so dismissive and hurtful, it increases the pain. My heart is with you.

Exactly three days later:
     Last night he texted and said he wanted to offer a peace offering of taking me out to pie. We went, but he was still in his throws of circular argument, and slept once again in the office. I watched a movie, and got some sleep. In the morning, he was completely back. No questions asked, he wanted to get an air purifier for the bedroom. At least for now the dog is off the chopping block. He did tell me that his problem with me is that I don't follow his direction and perhaps from being a single mom for 20 years, I wasn't used to working as a team. I accepted the suggestion, and thanked him for pointing it out. Where the heck does this come from? I told his sister that he was back, and that I felt sorry for him. As complex as it is no one ever set out to have BPD. He's caught in a vicious cycle of good/bad and doesn't even remember most of what was said.