BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

I’m working through this with a therapist at the moment but I need some advice on how to handle things in the meantime. I only have one sister and she is 23, I am 27.
I’m working on starting my family and settling down and creating a life for myself, so i’ve had to ask her to move out because the situation wasn’t allowing me to move forward in my own life and was causing a lot of tension between myself and my partner.
I’ve noticed that she has so many traits of BPD, she is already bankrupt, has an eating disorder, demands everything at once all the time and gets really angry then takes it out on everyone. I have lived with this my whole life, I’ve seen the damage it’s caused my parents and I’ve realised I’ve never allowed myself to put myself first or think about my own needs until now. It would have been the first time I’ve stood up for my own needs.
I guess I’m feeling a lot of guilt, but I also find myself feeling a lot of anger towards her and towards my parents. I’ve never been an angry person and I don’t know how to handle this feeling, it comes up quite unexpectantly. My mum would always do everything for my sister to make it smoother, and I was taught to do the same. I feel like my needs were always second.
I fully understand that this is a process, I know that my anger is probably unreasonable it’s just how I’m feeling after these realisations and I will work it out. In the meantime I don’t want to damage my relationship with my parents or my sister, but I am finding myself snapping or withdrawing while I’m working through this.
 How do I handle my feelings without pushing my family away?

Guilt is a common feeling among a lot of us here. 

You might want to start by realizing that you are invalidating yourself here. 


Is that you talking,  or might this be how you were taught to feel,  when if implicitly?

Hi. 

A lot of people shy away from anger.  Or try to rationalize it away.  That just bottles it up inside you and it comes out sideways... .often on our loved ones. 

The best way I know to deal with emotions is to not fight them.  Recognize your anger, see if you can connect it to a deeper feeling (like the fact that it is always about your sister and you have to smooth things over for her) and allow yourself to feel it.  Anger is not unreasonable.  it is just a feeling and it sounds like you have been holding it in a lot.  Is that right?

You might find Mindfulness helpful.  We have an article here that talks about sitting with your emotions, recognizing them and letting yourself feel them without passing judgement (feelings just are) and then release them.  See what you think and we can talk about it some more:  Triggering, Mindfulness and Wise Mind (https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind)
What is mindfulness all about?  In the simplest sense, we all develop, from time to time, thinking patterns that do not serve us well.  When we do, we are easily "triggered" - having non-constructive reactions to specific words or actions based on prior experiences.  We've all been there - in resentment, pessimism, defensiveness, impatience, closed mindedness, distrust, intolerance, confrontational, defeat... .