BPDFamily.com

It’s been a few months since I last posted on here and the title of this thread perfectly sums up my time since then.

It was only last week when I was contemplating posting on here as a ‘good news story’ to show that things can work out over time. But yes, one step forward and an inevitable 10 steps back.

My friend and I live together and in October, another argument happened that escalated uncessarily and there were lots of things they said that I’ve found upsetting and hard to deal with since.

They were hardly home at all throughout November, sometimes weeks at a time. Around the middle of December I came home and she was cooking in the kitchen and we ended up having a really good chat, for the first time in coming up to 2 months. We didn’t talk about anything that had happened, but it didn’t feel needed, it just felt good to be able to talk normally and get on.

We had food together a few more times and hung out at home, right up until just before Christmas. One day I asked her how she was and it was back to one worded answers, the kind where no eye contact is made and conversation is very hard.

This continued again, where we wouldn’t now talk and if we did see each other, again it would just be me making any conversation. It feels like I’m talking to a person who is just constantly pissed off with me. I then received a text to say she thinks we should have a chat and to sort our living arrangement out. I thought this would be good, so we agreed when to talk, yet when it came to it she stayed in her room. I knocked on her door to see when we would speak as it was now getting late in the evening, she said we didn’t need to talk, then denied that we’d agreed to talk and said we just need to end the tenancy and there was nothing that we needed to talk about.

I just left it and started seeing what I can do. Our tenancy doesn’t end until July, so if we want to come out early we have to keep paying the rent until they find new tenants. She’s going to move back in with parents, so that’s fine for her. But I would have to find a new place and can’t afford to have the risk of paying rent on 2 properties. I am only currently working part time as I’m doing my Masters degree which I’m trying to finish. I don’t get any funding now because I was meant to finish this degree in September last year, but due to my own mental health and everything happening between us I decided to interrupt my studies. I don’t have the money currently to move out, pay deposits, removal vans, storage fees and possibly a crossover in rent. My main priority is getting my uni work done and having to move house would just push all of that back further.

Anyway, nothing was then further said about this, she didn’t know my financial situation, as she’d said it didn’t need discussing.

About 3 weeks ago now, we both had the weekend off. I thought I’d make breakfast, see how she was and if she’d like to eat together. Luckily, she then seemed okay and we had breakfast and then over that following week things started to seem okay again.

So now up to 2 weeks ago, I come home and she’s cooking food and having a drink and asks me if I’d like some and we end up talking loads. She asks how I’ve been feeling about everything, she then apologised about not talking to me properly about the living situation and she was really understanding about when I explained the position I’m in. She told me not to worry and that we’d sort something.

She gave me a Christmas present from her parents that she’d not given me yet. It was a virtual reality experience, they’d got her one too, it’s for the town we both live in and we spoke about going to do it sometime.

That night she randomly invited a guy to our house, she’d forgotten that she had already shown me earlier in the evening who he was on Facebook, some random guy she’d met a few months ago. She left the house and when she came back this guy was here and she told me he was one of her old friends from university, which was a lie. She’d bought him around to sleep with, which I knew she’d end up regretting because she’s gay and always feels bad and regrets when she gets with a man.

Turns outs, he then ends up stealing our credit card and some money. A few days later she comes to me to apologise, said she didn’t know why she invited him round and lied, and she made us pancakes for breakfast to say sorry.

We then keep hanging out that week, but for the first time since October, it all actually feels genuine. We went out to the pub together and it felt just like it did before October, and what I’d missed about us being friends so much. Again we spoke about things and she said she didn’t mean the horrible things she’d said to me before etc.

This was all very overwhelming to hear, but I was so, so relieved. We continue fine but I started to worry that what if she will just change and ignore me again, and that I thought given it’s been 3 months since October it would be good to talk soberly about this so we can fully clear the air and both know where we stand.

Tuesday just gone, I make us a cup of tea and ask for us to have a chat. This is where it all goes wrong and it’s like we’re back to square one again. She then said she still wants to move out but understands my situation and doesn’t want to leave me in the lurch. We then get on to talking about us, I say I’ve found it confusing but this last week or so things have felt good and genuine, I ask how she’s felt about it as I just want some certainty to know things aren’t going to keep going back and forth.

She tells me I’m just over analysing everything. That she’s not even thought about the situation. That it’s not bothered her, she’s fine. She’s said there can be no improvement between us while we’re living together and even after we move out she does not know if she will be my friend. I ask her why we’ve started doing things together again and I thought that was at least a slight improvement, she said it’s not and that she just did it because it’s easier.

I just feel in disbelief, that this is never going to sort. Mentally and emotionally I’d been doing so much better. I’ve been on anti-depressants and they’ve been helping so much but after hearing this and having this conversation on Tuesday, it feels like it’s triggered something in my head and I feel anything but okay.

I feel so used and stupid and like there must be something so horribly wrong with me.

None of this makes sense and again it makes me feel like it’s all in my head and it’s just me. She said to me “We couldn’t even go one week without you wanting to talk about things” (meaning the last week we had been getting on.)

It’s like she’s oblivious that it’s been actually 3 months since we stopped talking with periods of on and off of her talking and then not. I haven’t just waited a week. It’s like it’s only okay on her terms (the week before when we’d had a few drinks and she brought up things) then that’s okay, but not when I do.

I’ve spent the last few days in bed, feeling awful. I am going to get a doctors appointment tomorrow because I’ve not felt like this before so intensely,  but I feel so helpless.

In the last few days she’s changed between saying we can wait to move out until our tenancy ends so I can focus on my uni work etc to now just saying she’s just going to go.

I don’t know what to do when she’s so obviously angry with me. I feel so sad that she’s set this wall in her head that there’s nothing that can be improved between us until we move out. To me, surely hanging out and doing things together is at least a slight improvement. But to her, it’s not improvement and “it’s just easier isn’t it” and “you’re just over analysing it all”

Also, the Christmas present from her parents to us, she’s now said it’s not for us to do together and seemed insulted that I’d even think it was for us both to do - even though we’d literally spoken about using the voucher together just last week. “You can go on your own! It wasn’t for us to do together” “I would’ve just given it to somebody else but I thought that would be mean to [her parents]”

So yeah, it’s not good. I have no idea at all what to do. I’m so sorry how long this is, this is one hell of a vent.