BPDFamily.com

Just wow,

Last night I had a one hour discussion with my exuBPD person, after 3+ months of breakup, 2+ months of low to no contact. I went to a regular event that we both attended previously, and made no attempt to approach her, but she put herself in my orb on a few occasions. We said hello, and a little later she asked how I was doing.

Before long we were being open and honest about what we had been through over the past few months, it was obvious she had thought about me a lot, and I her. I expressed how I had grown. She was really honest about her struggles to express herself, to stop from shutting down her emotions. I expressed how much I appreciate that honesty. As hard as it has been, I have never lashed out at her behaviour or treatment of me, and finally she is at a point where she trusts me and has no reason to fear me. There is hope if you can remain centred and true to yourself(so hard). She appreciated that I have left her alone, and respected her wishes. She feels as though she will only hurt me more if we were to continue, that she is no good in a relationship. At present I would have to agree.

Backstory from November here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331429

I'm now in a position where I see that this honesty will need to grow between us, if there is to be a chance for friendship or a relationship, and I think she got that message. We both know that our connection is strong, but without getting past the barriers and walls there would be no point.

I would like to say, the skills I have learnt on here, and from reading, were of utmost importance. I did not JADE, I didn't invalidate, I steered the conversation away from any blame, discussions of the past, or recrimination, I was focused on validating her feelings and listening with empathy.

I left the conversation on a positive note, without any expectations for anything to happen as a result of meeting. I feel like I have no fear of being with her, and also no fear of not being with her. The greatest thing has been coming out of being painted black, and knowing that she does have respect for me. What I feel good about is that the door is open. Wow.

She sent a text today to say thanks for chatting, she feels good.

I replied saying same, and thanks for the honesty.

I am happy to retreat again at this point, feels like the ball is again in her court, and there is nothing gained for any pursuit.

Any advice welcome? We both acknowledged the strong connection between us, but I feel any attempt to act on that would be detrimental. She has to come to me if there is any hope. Feels like I have to remain unattached to outcomes and endlessly patient, but my mind starts to wonder what I should do, or what she wants me to do.

well thats quite a development, huh?

i agree that letting things sit for now is best. its tempting to try to build on the positive. in some ways, its good to let it build on itself.

how ya feeling about it all?

Hi Luan,

That’s sounds like it was an exciting discussion. I agree with both of you let things fall where they fall for now.

 
I agree with you that the tools can be a game changer I use them in my current r/s and it’s day and night compared to my last r/s. She is a non where my ex wasn’t but there’s still friction sometimes and you have to let go of your ego... It definitely steps up your game.


Im not saying that you’re doing this this is just advice don’t trigger shame if you don’t want to be split black you’re using validation which will make the other person heard and not ashamed or invalidated for having their thoughts and feelings.

OR, I was feeling nervous but mostly positive, trying not to get ahead of myself, then she sent a text this afternoon saying "I realise for my sake that its best if I don't talk with you, will maybe catch you around sometime".

This is kind of like what's happened before. We have made some re-connection, then she reneges on what was a positive beginning. I chose not to reply, as in the past the texts have spiralled downwards quickly.

Two hours later, the second text comes in, My stomach has got really bad, it now reacts and cramps purely with nerves. I am paying for our conversation, I've tried pain killers and gone for a run and I'm still in lots of pain. I'm really sorry but this is what I mean when I say I can't be in a relationship on many levels. I'm dreaming of my little retreat in the forest somewhere, just me and my stupid stomach, I'm so sorry.

Now I was only talking re-establishing a friendship with her, even though it's probably clear to both of us there is love between us. I have been here before, even without replying this time, she has managed to turn this into a no-win situation. Do I have to accept this is how she genuinely feels and that there is just no hope - I seem to trigger her because by asking for honesty between us she immediately starts to withdraw and feel threatened.

Then I did the stupid thing. I was only a couple of blocks away, so I walked around and knocked on her door. I said I understand how she feels stressed and in pain, and if there is anything I could do to, just ask. She used this as an opportunity to blame me for feeling bad, tell me how we are not suited, she just wants to be left alone, needs a break from men for a year, she can't trust me, it is making her feel suicidal.

Suicide was mentioned a couple of times in the relationship, once as something she had previously thought about, and another time when she couldn't sleep and wrote a heavy 'suicide ideation' poem and put it on social media. I sympathised with her 'depression' but in hindsight, see it as a call for attention both times, which I gave.


Mutt, I don't think I meant to do it, but you are right, me asking for honesty is seeing behind the mask and 'triggering shame'. In the space of two days we went from having a really nice chat to being discarded again. I'm ok, I was half prepared for something like this, but even when I didn't participate in the discussion it happened.

I really don't know how to step forward from here. I wanted to build the friendship to get to the point of discussing therapy, but I am always triggering her by wanting to be honest and build trust. She knows I see behind the mask, and I want to help, so she disregulates to make it stop.

Naturally, I'm really disappointed. I sent her a text saying if she needs anything to reach out day or night, I am there for her. The mention of suicide is something I can't ignore, but I am sure it is a 'go to' for her when she wants to deflect from the real issue.

I'm very sorry about this experience.
It sounds very familiar to me.

I  would recommend to leave it where it is.
None of you might gain anything positive in this connection.

Good luck