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Title: I fear the end may be near. Post by: Defeated-Sunflow on February 05, 2019, 01:18:30 AM :help:
Hello, I've been with my BPD boy friend for almost a year now. He told me from the beginning that he was diagnosed with it. I didn't know what it was at the time so I read many books about it, trying to understand. He's been in therapy for the last 3 years and fully recognizes that he has a few mental illnesses, including bipolar disorder. Anyway, things were ok for the first 4 months but since then, have gone completely downhill. His lack of intimacy and the inability to initiate sex or maintain an erection long enough to have sex is going to be the breaking point in this relationship. We've tried couples therapy and nothing has changed. He's been severely depressed for months and his antidepressant meds don't seem to be working. I love him because he is a good person with a number of great qualities but I can't go on just being his buddy and shoulder to cry on. I know it sounds selfish but I am not getting any of my needs met and I think if I stay in this relationship, I never will. I'm at the end of my rope. How can I convince him that I have needs too and everything can't be about him all the time and does he even have the ability to show affection physically and verbally or should I just leave now? Title: Re: I fear the end may be near. Post by: Coldfish on February 06, 2019, 01:28:58 PM I do not think that you need to convince him you have needs. He is a man and i am sure he knows he is not meeting the sexual obligations that you need in the relationship. That alone would make a person without a diagnosis depressed. At this particular point in time its gonna be all about him because hes going through a depression. If he cant help himself right now he wont be able to help you.
Maybe the drugs are killing his libido. Not sure how long his depression will last but there are other ways to get your needs met that wont compromise the relationship. Title: Re: I fear the end may be near. Post by: stayingsane123 on February 06, 2019, 02:21:32 PM Only you can know how much you are willing to tolerate. I have been with a partner diagnosed with BPD for over 8 years now. Not much has changed over the years, and the relationship is likely ending soon. This isn't to say that pwBPD are hopeless, there certainly IS hope for change. If your partner is committed to participating in a DBT program, consistently, fully, and for as long as needed, he CAN recover. But you should not feel obligated to stay with him while he is working through his issues. People with co-dependent tendencies often feel like they are obligated to help or fix their partner. A healthy person should obviously help and support their loved ones. But there is a difference between being helpful and supportive and being in a one-sided relationship with a person that needs to address their own issues before they can be a partner that can provide reciprocal love and support. Don't feel guilty if you need to leave. You can always reconnect if he chooses to get better!
Maybe a good starting point would be to gently suggest DBT, if he isn't already in a program, and clearly and fully explain your needs in a relationship, so it isn't such a surprise if you do decide to end the relationship. |