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Title: How do you guys deal with lack of respect for your pwBPD Post by: formflier on February 05, 2019, 07:57:29 AM So... .as many of you guys know I found some of my wife's comments "disgusting" a week or so again. For several days it was hard to view my wife through any other "lens". Certainly the feeling is not as acute anymore. Anyway I'm a big fan of boundaries. I seem to have "segmented" or "boundaried" my wife into areas where I respect her and other areas where I don't. We had wonderful conversations last night about areas that have never been controversial. I enjoyed spending time with her. So... .what have you guys done so that "controversial" areas, when they are brought up in a non dysregulated way can be dealt with better or that I don't have to "fake" my feelings so much. I've intentionally stayed away from specifics (what the exact issue is/was) but I'm open to discussing those if they matter. FF Title: Re: How do you guys deal with lack of respect for your pwBPD Post by: radoe on February 05, 2019, 09:50:08 AM I reply with kindness
I really try hard to use SET I hand the hate, disappointment, anger, emptiness over to Jesus, God, the army of tired angels that has been watching over me. After about 15 years of not wanting sex, A couple of months ago she said because it was because I was boring in bed. She sent me a couple of links in anger. I watched them and learned, I have watch more educational type videos and now she likes sex. When she complains, or hates on me. I validate what was said, if it something I think is true and I can change, I try. If not at that point I hand it off. Handing it off works the best, when I can forget. Not easy, but when you practice it can be done. Title: Re: How do you guys deal with lack of respect for your pwBPD Post by: Red5 on February 05, 2019, 09:55:59 AM I hand the hate, disappointment, anger, emptiness over to Jesus, God, the army of tired angels that has been watching over me. I like ^that^ radoe, respectfully request to take it and keep for my very own : ) Kind regards, Red5 Title: Re: How do you guys deal with lack of respect for your pwBPD Post by: radoe on February 05, 2019, 10:04:40 AM Take anything you want,
Give it away, and you will have more than you started with Title: Re: How do you guys deal with lack of respect for your pwBPD Post by: Cat Familiar on February 05, 2019, 10:21:52 AM It's a tricky topic, formflier and as you know, lack of respect can quickly veer into contempt.
I've had to do something similar to your strategy. I compartmentalize--then I JADE to myself. For example: I'm a fan of order and simplicity. A place for everything and everything in its place. My husband, not so much. Little insignificant things that he does, such as leaving the cereal box out after he's finished eating, or opening a food container and leaving the protective seal on the counter, or not putting his dirty dishes in the dishwasher--all those things would add up in my mind and I'd think, "Does he think my job duties extend to picking up after him?" And my internal dialog would make me increasingly angry over really unimportant things, because taken one at a time, they truly were meaningless. But conflated in my mind, over time, it appeared to be a pattern--perhaps to annoy me, perhaps just due to inattention, perhaps due to feeling more important than taking care of little things. So, realizing that I have a button there, and that my internal dialog wasn't doing me any favors, I switched it around. Now, using self-JADE, I'll tell myself about something nice he did--like take me out to dinner the previous night, or the fact that he has taken over almost all of the bill paying (which I hate). Then I can balance out what seem to me to be "minor offenses against order" and they no longer loom so large. |