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My wife is coming home tomorrow after spending a little while in an inpatient psychiatric setting. I can already tell she’s grown tremendously, but I’m nervous about her coming home. Has anyone else been through this? What was it like when your partner first came home? Any words of advice for how to make it as smooth as possible?

Right before she left for the hospital, my wife disclosed that she had unsuccessfully tried to initiate an affair with her therapist a few years ago (while we were married). I didn’t react then because I knew how precarious her emotional state was—nothing good would have come of it. While she’s been in the hospital, my wife has alleged that I haven’t been taking good care of the kids, have left the house a mess, and haven’t been feeding the pets. (All untrue, all hurtful.) I’ve tried to take it all in stride, understanding that she’s anxious and has no control over what’s happening at home and she’s just giving voice to her fears. It’s obviously not the time to address any of this, but I’m so drained that I’m worried I won’t have enough energy to inhibit my reactions to her. The entire situation feels very precarious... .

Hi and welcome to the board.  I do not share your experience of having a loved one coming home from an inpatient setting but I did want to say hello and encourage you to post here and read.  We do have a lot of people who have been able to improve their situations even if their spouse has not been in treatment with some of the tools and strategies we offer here.

What sort of professional support will your wife has once she is home?  Will she transition to an outpatient program of some sort?  Was she diagnosed with BPD or something else?

What sort of support do you have for yourself (other than here)?  What is the biggest thing you want to work on for you?

Sorry for all the questions. 

Hello quasarjarvis,

Not sure if you will see this by the time your wife comes home or not, nor am I sure if I'll be able to respond in a timely manner so perhaps others from the community can help too.  I am curious, why did she make it in the psych ward?  What led up to it?  

I have dealt with my loved one being in a psych ward for about a week.  She had gotten suicidal and spiraled out of control due to drinking and causing self-harm. Since then, she also has checked into rehab for alcoholism, made it about two months of being sober and relapsed within 48 hours of leaving the center (was checked in for two months).  

I can't say I have been in the exact same situation- we aren't married, have a home, or kids.  I can say I understand the feelings of blame and untrue accusations.  It is rather frustrating.  I got accused of not being there enough, even though I was the only person to drive to visit her; taking time out of my busy life being a full-time student and working nearly full time to drive hours to spend as much time with her as I could, plus was the one of the few people that she could rely on talking to her whenever she'd call.  

I also had my own resentments and issues with her during the time that she was in the psych ward and also felt like she was too sensitive to bring it up at the time.  I had the same issue while she was in rehab as well.  We walk on eggshells as to not set off our loved ones, right?  Will there ever be a good time to bring up these issues?  I'm not so sure there ever will be.  I was also waiting for her to be in a good spot to bring up what I had done, and what I had issues with.  Unfortunately for me, my hand was played for me as she found out on her own.  Its really not as though I was trying to hide anything, but almost more protect her.  So, I cannot tell you what to do, although I can say, for your own health and sanity, waiting for me in that situation would be difficult to do.  Is there a place you could bring these issues up that are safe?  Like a couples therapist or something of that nature?  A place also that it can be worked out fully.  

For me and my pwBPD, I have to also be as objective as possible. She may have disclosed this, but is it really 100% the truth?  Or could she have been saying that to hurt you?  My pwBPD felt great shame for being where she was, and I can see how trying to bring others down is a coping mechanism.

What are your fears of her coming home?  For me, it was a tender place.  I could see progress, but for us, things didn't really last too long.  A few weeks maybe.  Is she committed to getting help?

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