BPDFamily.com

Hi, all-

I will be leaving on Saturday for 11 days. My boyfriend, who was recently diagnosed with BPD, is having a very hard time with it. I will be in a beach town with a female friend and bf has fears that I will get hit on by other men and cheat on him. He is also fearful of being home alone. He says he won’t eat. He stopped drinking this past week but I have a feeling that, based on past experience, he will drink heavily while I am gone in an attempt to self-soothe.

Does anybody out there have any advice for me? I am working to validate his feelings but not sure what to do beyond that.

Hi Dasher!

My H also has difficulty with travel. I've never traveled without him, but he gets very anxious and needy right before he goes anywhere without me. It's his abandonment fears acting up.

The thing is, you can't control what he does (or doesn't do) while you're with him. And you don't want to not go. That sets a bad precedent and will reinforce his behavior and you deserve a vacation. My advice (and others may have something much better or more constructive) is to be calm, empathetic, but firm that you understand he's anxious, but you're going. He's an adult and you believe in him and his ability to take care of himself. It will be fine. Validate his feelings. Use SET. Don't go over and over it and let it keep going. And don't let him guilt or trap you into staying home.

His behavior is not your responsibility.

He may not be in control either.

What is important is that you are consistent.

Tell him the truth.
If you will be loyal tell him that.
If you don't know what will happen tell him that gently.

You asked him to move out before March 1, an I correct? If so, is he feeling a double dose of abandonment? What do you feel you can do to help him alleviate that level of anxiety?