BPDFamily.com

How does validation work for this?

I told my wife I was going to meet my brother for drinks at six tomorrow. Thai I might go to the library after work because if I come home, I'll be too tired to leave again. We're on day four of our in-home separation so I made plans. Usually Friday night is our date night but we had planned to have date night this Saturday.

She says: "I'm jealous."
I ask: "that I have a brother to go hang out with?"
"No, that you are going out on a Friday night when you never have energy to do that with me."

In the moment all I could think to say was: "I'm sorry you feel that I never have energy to go out with you. "

And it digressed from there. "I didn't say you never have energy to go out with me."

I corrected: "on a Friday, I meant."

I was racking my brain for more validation skills and completely failed to come up with anything. So I ended the conversation before doing any more damage.

Any suggestions? I'm truly needing real life help with situation where she states "there are only facts here, it's not just my feelings."

How can I validate? Thanks in advance!

I am not sure will help you but here's my take:

It sounds like she has a need go out with you on a Friday night for a bite to eat or a drink.  It might help if you said something like "What I am hearing you say is that you would like to go out on a friday night for a few drinks or a quick bite to eat, do I have that right?  How about if we make plans for that soon?  I would love to do that with you."  And try to have the energy saved up for her.  

Conflicts arise when someone isn't getting a need met. It's really that simple. Conflict resolution is when both partners can come together and discuss how to get their need met.  It's really great if both partners are willing to meet each other needs through compromise.

I don't think it's reasonable to expect a partner to meet all needs 100% of the time but at least be willing to try.  My exH who may have had BPD or some degree was very much self consumed and I had to lower my expectations of having my needs met so I just got them met in some other way.  I went out with my girlfriends a lot when I got lonely.  That way I didn't expect my exH to always meet that need all the time.  

Tsultan

She's feeling jealous, no needs for facts there, jealousy is a feeling, and she's making it known to you.

As to validating it
Validate feelings, not facts. She's feeling jealous, she justifies it by saying you are the cause (you never had energy for me), but the issue is she's feeling jealous.

So, now that you have all the time you need to think about it from not being on the spot (plenty of time to think about it before hitting "post"), how about some alternatives you'd like to have said? I have one in mind for you but I'd like to hear your thought process on it first

 :hi:

What I could have said:

"It sounds like you're hurt that I have some energy for my brother but you don't see me having energy for you on a Friday night. You are right, we often just stay in on Fridays, and I'm very often exhausted. How about we plan some Fridays out soon?"

The likelihood of me getting that whole paragraph out is very slim. Maybe something shorter like: "it makes sense to feel jealous when you see me having more energy for my brother than for you. I would probably feel that way too."

That feels dangerously close to agreeing with her. The only reason I may have energy this evening is because during our in-home separation I've been heading to bed almost an hour earlier than when I stay on her schedule. I've gotten almost an hour more of sleep per night.
How could I use SET? (That is a tool I don't know how to use well).

Thanks for all the suggestions

I think they are both great ways to validate.   

Sounds like you don't agree with her perspective but you are willing to give her what she needs anyway?  That's okay as long as you are okay with that.  If you are doing something you will later have a resentment over I would caution that.  If Friday's are not good for you because you are tired you can always pick a day where you can get some rest.  There are many solutions and choices for you.

Many times I didn't agree with my exBPDbf but it was important to let him know I heard what he was saying.  I also didn't say I didn't agree with him as that would open up the opportunity for an argument.  I would be honest of course if he asked.  He was appreciative if I listened and he felt heard.  For so many of us growing up we didn't feel heard.  At least that is how it was in my family.  I was the youngest and my brothers and sisters would often interrupt while I was talking.  I was quiet and shy.  (not anymore)  My mother and father were not emotionally available to listen to my needs either.   Sometimes my feelings can be skewed because of my filter and I just have to have someone listen to them.  Not necessarily agree but just listen.  It really feels good and I am thankful for the friends that I have made in recovery that can offer that to me.  It helped me grow to be the person I am today.


      

the most compelling way to validate someone is to be sincere, and to do it authentically. are either of those examples of how you normally speak to her? they sound, to me, scripted.


tone and context are very important to consider. for instance, a lot of people make this sort of statement innocuously, to more or less mean "wow that sounds fun". you were talking about just having drinks with your brother, so ill assume thats not what she meant, but then again, be careful not to validate the valid by giving it more credence than necessary. 


i think you were on the right track with some variation of this. this is validation. it says "i care about how you feel, and im interested in addressing your concerns" without saying "i care about how you feel, and im interested in addressing your concerns".

shes saying she wants more time with you. in a personalized way, acknowledge it, and give her your best version of that.