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To my husband:

I'm tired of agonizing over making the "right" decision. The one that won't cause you to hate me and be pissed off at me. Only then to make the decision I think will make you least upset and you yell and scream at me about how much you hate me. That I'm purposefully pushing you over the edge.

You're saying you'll retaliate for not being listened to. You asked me yesterday to ask my parents to bring their truck to pick up a trailer you purchased. So, I did and they said okay. Today, they're texting me wondering when we want help. So, I agonize for hours about what to do. You have the race today, so I don't think you'll want to get the trailer but I'm not sure and the people we asked are hanging wondering if we need them. And, I'm scared to even ask you what you want done today. Should I tell Mom not to worry about it, but then you'll want to get it later and I interrupt what they have going on and then they're busy and can't and then you're mad? Should I ask you if you want to get it? Could you get it later in the week with Dad? I settle on telling you I'll meet Mom and Dad so you don't have to miss the race. You yell and scream that I don't understand you need a day to relax and decide you'll clear out the trailer and go get it yourself. I try to tell you it doesn't have to be done today, I just needed to know what to tell my Mom. It's not fair to leave them hanging. It's not fair that I have to be the middle man. One day you ask me to ask them for help, the next day you're pissed that I bring it up. What was I supposed to do? There never is a right decision. It makes me want to crawl in a hole and die. I try to learn from every circumstance but I still piss you off. I'm. So. Damn. Tired.

I agonize and agonize and agonize about how to keep our home and you calm. About how to not make you mad. But, it's like it doesn't matter. You may think I bring things out of thin air without considering you when I consider you with every. decision. I. make. How do I juggle managing everyday things that have to be taken care of without angering you? I'm tired of you being mad at me. I'm tired of you saying you hate me and calling me names. I'm. Tired.

I love you with every piece of me. I also hate that there are situations that have no right answer but I have to choose one anyway, knowing that just making a choice will anger you toward me. It's not fair and I lose a piece of myself Every. Time. It. Happens.

Why can't you see that I debate and agonize over these decisions, rather than thinking I'm either purposefully making you mad or just not considering how you'll feel? I've been by your side for almost 13 years. Why can't you see that? I don't understand and my heart hardens a little more. Hardens so I don't feel so much hurt, otherwise my heart will just burst and destroy me. Pain, deep searing pain. But, I can't explain myself because then you say I'm just making excuses. At this moment, I just don't want to go on. I'm tired of trying and there's no way out. There's no way to keep you from being angry with me again in another situation. I can't get it right. I just can't make the right decision, the right choices to make things better for you.

You're now saying you've given up (state) for me. When you told me you no longer felt led there. You made the final decision to move to (or location) and I told you I couldn't do it if you were going to resent me. You said you wouldn't. I was prepared to move to (state) with you. I obtained my therapy license, updated my resume and was looking for jobs and houses there. I didn't keep you from making the decision to move there. You made that decision.

I do my best to take care of us, to try to balance my desires with your needs. I've given up so much for you, but you don't see it or don't care. Then, when you make a decision that might be good for me (moving to our location), you hold it over my head. Your dreams of (state) were destroyed by this move. Yet, you hated where we lived and wanted to move but were also upset at someone and, therefore, didn't think we'd have good support in (state) or that maybe the ministry was hurting and we shouldn't go out that we weren't wanted /needed. I didn't force you to come to (our location).

I'm. Tired. And. I. No. Longer. Want. To. Live

But, I do want to live and I want to live with and love you and be loved by you. I just don't want the roller coaster of emotions and for you to take your anger out on me. And to have to weigh every decision I make but then still make the "wrong" one and have it taken out on me. I want to love you and to be happy and to be free from guilt and walking on eggshells. I just want peace... .for both of us.

Hey Bright_80:

Sounds like you're in a very difficult situation right now.
We all understand the difficulties of being in relationships with people with BPD. Things can get better, we're here to help!  :hi:

It sounds to me like this is something you'd like to say to your partner. I read from your story that you're having a hard time from not feeling safe to speak your mind or making decisions, that this has been going on for 13 years.

You mention feeling anxious recently about the pickup trailer your partner bought and having to talk to your parents about help hauling it, how she might react. how did that situation come about?

I'm sorry you are feeling so hopeless. What happened with the trailer?

Bright, just wanted to say that I hear you. I have had most of those feelings and thoughts in your post. As my name says, I'm also so tired of this.

I've been focusing on how to keep my own side of the street clean and learn that my wife's feelings are her feelings. They often feel out of proportion to me but I'm not in her head/heart/body.

The more I focus on myself and finding joy for myself, the stronger I feel to withstand the upset emotions that my wife has. But there comes a certain point where I don't think I could tolerate it and name-calling might be that point for me.

I am still struggling with this: allowing her her emotions and thoughts and recognizing that her reactions don't have to pull me off my center. I don't get it right every time but when I can remember that she is upset because she feels like she's not doing everything right, she accuses me of things because that is what she fears she is doing, when I can empathize with her and try to validate validate validate, it goes much better.

What are you doing for yourself? How are you oxygen-masking so that you have some compassion available for him?