BPDFamily.com

Hi. 4 years ago my ex-fiancee who had BPD left me. The relationship had been quite dysfunctional for a while and I had decided it needed to end by that point anyway. She was suicidal and self-harming and I had been a full-on codependent enabler for her needs.

I've been single in the time since, having gone on just a couple dates that didn't go anywhere. A few days ago, I went on a first date with someone. I really like her, but certain things about her reminded me of my ex. Tonight I was looking to see if I could find any social media accounts of hers. I wasn't intending to find anything serious, but I would up finding some posts she made about having BPD.

I feel scared. Scared because I don't want to get into the same kind of relationship as with my ex. Scared because I don't know how to go about having a conversation about this with her. What should I say? What can I say? Is it possible to communicate my own awareness about my codependent/caretaker tendencies and that I have to have extremely strong boundaries to even have the possibility of a functional relationship? How do I talk about my past painful experience with my ex without making her feel ashamed of her BPD? If I did decide that I couldn't enter into a relationship with her, what would be the most compassionate yet honest way to communicate that?

If you have any thoughts about what to do or about your own experiences with starting a new relationship with someone with BPD after having a very painful and difficult experience in a past relationship with someone with BPD, please share. 

Welcome knowingmyself,

First, why did the first relationship end, if I’m not mistaken, it was a bit much and many of us seem to attract another pwBPD for some reason.

Yes, be compassionate, why not, be honest, why do anything else?

Hi knowingmyself, I'd like to join Sandb2015 and say welcome to the family  :hi:

Your story sounds very familiar. My first romantic partner had BPD as well. The relationship was a mess and full of despair and emotional pain. When I finally got out I swore that I would not allow myself to get stuck in a dysfunctional dynamic again.
When I met my current bf he was very open about his BPD and he seemed a lot more self-reflected and approachable then my ex, but for me it was still an immediate red flag and it took me about a year of friedship to even consider a romantic relationship with him.
 
I would advise you to take things slow as well.
Get to know her on your own terms, pay attention how she treats her friends and how she talks about her former partners. This is usually a good indication of what you can expect yourself.
Does she seek professional help and is she aware of how her BPD impacts her and others?
Is she commited to getting better?
Considering your past experiences, which behaviors are nogos for you?
Alcohol was a big issue with my ex for example, he drank often and it caused him to  get even more erratic and irresponsible. My current bf doesn't drink at all, which was a big factor in my decision to give us a chance.

I think it depends on her level of self awareness whether an open conversation about her BPD and your history and codependent tendencies is beneficial or not. If she is talking about it on social media, I wouldn't be surprised about her bringing it up with you sooner or later anyway. If she doesn't, maybe adress it in a casual manner, see how she reacts and go from there.

Does this sound reasonable?