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My mother was ( is)a very difficult woman. She was raised by a difficult woman. The inter generational trauma still resonates within me but I am working very hard to stop it from passing to the next generation. My daughter is 10 and has just been diagnosed with ADHD- inattentive type ( I have this too). My husband and I are supportive and struggling to find what resources and strategies work for her, for her education and for our family. Last night she melted down and was verbalizing her self- esteem struggles and feelings ( I was never allowed to do this as a child). During her meltdown,  I had to work very hard to listen to and support her because my mother’s words of rage that were spewed to me as a child were inside my head. Myself as a child was there in my head too, terrified to hear those words ( in my head)from my mother that I often heard when I was a child. Me as an adult and as my daughter’s Mom were there too, we were trying to listen to her and support her while soothing my inner child and roaring at my mother to stop their raging and leave. I have been processing this today and have shared these feelings with my husband ( who is supportive in an ‘ I don’t understand but am here’ way. Any other parents out there who have had these struggles and could offer some support. Thanks

It's a struggle to unlearn our programming. For me it was the smack-slap-yell whenever my mom got frustrated, as early as I child remember. 

What do you struggle not to let out?

Hi, Safe and calm. As a fellow parent, I understand what you’re struggling with and I think that you’re more ahead of the game than you might realize.

The inter generational trauma still resonates within me but I am working very hard to stop it from passing to the next generation.

This is awareness and its vital. Being aware, especially when wearing shoes like we do, can be a very difficult thing. Awareness plays a big part in keeping us grounded. It helps us answer our questions and make sound decisions in the moment. Even amongst the roaring of our mothers.  You’re not alone.

My husband and I are supportive and struggling to find what resources and strategies work for her, for her education and for our family.

Thank you for being open about what you and your daughter share. I’m curious. What has worked for you thus far? Maybe you and your husband can try to implement what has worked for you. Have you shared with your daughter that you have the same condition that she is struggling with? I see a lot of room for validation here. Our kiddos need that from us.

My son is only 4. I worry about him constantly. He relays things to me that cause me concern, but I’m realizing that I’m also  hyper vigilant and that I sometimes need to take a step back from what I’m thinking/feeling in the moment and what I actually have control over.

Your daughter spilled her guts about how she was feeling. I think that it’s a good thing that she feels comfortable doing this with her parents. I would say that you’re breaking the cycle that you touched on if your daughter is allowed to do this. See?

Are you or your daughter in therapy? It can be so helpful. You know, there’s always a positive to be found. I’ve read several in your post. I’m looking forward to reading more of your experience. Glad you’re with us.

Hello Safe and Calm,

Yes, I recognise these struggles.
It is hard not to get triggered by what our children may say or do. My D9 is a very sensitive girl that needs a lot of listening and validation. S8 on the other hand constantly tests boundaries and has a hard time communicating what is going on in his head. I struggle with both. It is hard to teach our children about emotions and validation if we weren't taught that ourselves as children. It is hard to teach our children boundaries when we were not allowed to have any ourselves for so long. It is not easy to be there, to listen, to acknowledge, and to validate.

You and your husband are on the right track though: you are aware of the trauma you are carrying with and within you, you recognize the different voices that are fighting for dominance in you head, and you are trying your best to overcome this and to give your daughter the attention and validation she clearly needs.

Keep working as a team, give yourself space and time when you need it, and keep posting here when you feel the need.

You are not alone. 

Libra.

My children are older than 10 now, but I hope it helps to know that our children can, at times, cause us stress, and we can feel frustrated and angry in the moment. The difference between us and our BPD parents could be that- we manage the feelings differently.

For a person with BPD- their feelings feel like facts. Their child, in the moment, is causing them to feel aggravated. They project these feelings on to the child- as if the child is doing something to them ( victim mode) and say harsh and hurtful things to the child. People with BPD lack object permanence. In the moment, the "good" child is gone and "bad" child is there. They also have black and white thinking- the child could be all good in a moment and then all bad. They have poor boundaries and the child feels like an extension of themselves.

For a parent who can handle emotions better, a child acting out is still the child they love and want to nurture. They may feel frustrated and angry in the moment, but they know that this is their feelings. The child is a separate individual, young and vulnerable. They don't express their feelings to the child in the moment by saying hurtful things- as adults, they know they need to stay calm. Their role is to teach their child how to manage their own feelings- and so they role model this for the child. They can keep in mind that the child who is causing them to feel frustrated is still the child they love.

It's OK to be aware of your feelings- you heard your own thoughts, but you knew how to manage them. You may have thought the things your mother said to you, but you didn't say them. You aren't parenting like your mother.

Thank you for all the support, suggestions and words of wisdom. Awareness of my thoughts and emotions during challenging interactions has been a vital skill in changing the patterns that I learned as a child. My D10 really challenges these thought/emotion/behaviour patterns but I can step back and see how my reactions to her are very different to my mother’s reactions to me.

I have self referred her/ our family to an organization that specifically works with kids/adults/families with ADHD. We will be attending a family support group and getting assistance with learning strategies. Also, I will be telling her about the strategies I use for my ADHD struggles.

I think many of us can relate to being afraid we will act like our mothers. I know I do.

Raising a child with ADHD can be a challenge at times, but also raising any child can be a challenge. There are times we admit to ourselves- they are driving me crazy!

But we also love them like nothing else in the world- and we thankfully don't act like our mothers do.

Sometimes I feared my kids were acting like my mother! But it was because my mother emotionally acts like a child. Acting like a child is normal for a child! This normal behavior can feel triggering to us- so it helps to be aware that this is the child just being themselves. Teens can be a challenge with hormone and mood swings- but it is their "normal" for teens.

Family patterns of abuse can be passed on from generation to generation. Being aware can change things. You may also benefit from counseling and parenting classes. It's great that you are going to be in a support group. We may not have had the best parenting role models, but we can learn.

I have self referred her/ our family to an organization that specifically works with kids/adults/families with ADHD. We will be attending a family support group and getting assistance with learning strategies. Also, I will be telling her about the strategies I use for my ADHD struggles.

Kudos for being proactive on seeking out a specialized approach to your situation. I hope that you’ll keep us updated on the progress with you and your family. Finding resources like the one that you’ve found can be difficult.

I work with a guy that is diagnosed with ADHD. In the workplace, so far, we are becoming fairly good friends. He’s hilarious. He’s very positive most of the time and is very aware of his condition. He once opened up to me a bit about how difficult the condition can be. How he can be in mid-conversation and simply drift off. He’s hyper and very pragmatic. I appreciate these things about him. I’ve seen him be misunderstood when his heart was in the right place. He’s highly motivated. He learns quickly and on the fly. I’ve taken it upon myself to train him and pass my knowledge on, so I’ve seen it first hand. He’s a real joy to be around. I know that this paragraph doesn’t pertain to your situation and is a ramble, but I just thought I’d share.

It’s good that your daughter knows that you and her each have ADHD. Perhaps she finds comfort in knowing that she isn’t alone. That’s important. That’s also a big part of the spirit of this community. When it comes to telling your daughter about the strategies that you have implemented, how do you feel about waiting to do that until she comes to you? Maybe wait to take that approach until everyone is comfortable and settled in with the new support group. I imagine that she will form questions and insights of her own once she starts to process the information.

Consider that if you and your child both have ADHD, then past generations may have had it as well. It's only in recent times that people have been open about it and there is support for it.

One of the concerns about ADHD is not the condition, but the secondary- the criticism of behaviors, or school issues and the toll that takes on a student's self esteem. Now that ADHD is out in the open, and there is more understanding and tools to deal with it- then some of these issues can be reduced. Some famous and creative people have ADHD- it's more about having a different way of thinking than being "wrong".

But this is to help you gain some compassion for the difficult family members in past generations. BPD combined with ADHD could have been a struggle and nobody spoke about either. I don't condone their behavior but they may have been coping in the only way they knew how.

With all the information and support available now- you will know how to parent better. Your child is being raised in a different world now. This sounds hopeful!

Such an insightful group. I have had counselling in the past and it definitely is on my radar again as my kids age and the triggers are heightened ( whom I kidding, i’m triggered pretty regularly). Showing my D10 my work agenda and explaining the many sticky notes for my weekend chores has promoted her to use angenda for school ( yay). She struggles with her self-esteem and confidence and I can totally relate - when she tells me ‘ I am stupid’, I tell her we all feel stupid sometimes. This acknowledgment and normalization is much better than saying ‘you’re not stupid’ which is how I was approaching her feeling and how her Dad ( he also has ADHD) was approaching her. I just want her to have the support I never had.

I agree with the historic feature of ADHD in my family history. It allows me to feel empathy for my uBPDm ( probably with ADHD) but the ‘ but’ is always there as I recognize my willingness to change how I raise my kids vs how she raised me

SAC, I’m diagnosed with C-PTSD. Currently working through it in therapy. It’s slower than I’d like. Snails pace, or so it feels. Progress is happening.

You’re at a very good place when it comes to being aware. Awareness is a focal point.

What are the triggers that you mention?

This stuff is hard.

This is a great example of validation! Saying it the other way reinforces the distorted belief.  A person with low self esteem and poor self image gets communicated, "you're stupid for feeling that way," perhaps. 

I've heard it's a bad approach to tell gifted kids that they are smart when they communicate that they are struggling.