BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

I'm relatively new here. Here's my situation in a nutshell: I'll be exiting our marriage in several years. I have twins (S7 and D7) stateside, from a previous marriage. I live in Europe, and secretly and safely communicate with them once a week. I cannot communicate with them without any drama from my uBPDw. I also have S2 and D7months with my uBPDw.

The title for this topic might be a little misleading ... .I'm not yet looking for help and guidance for breaking the news of divorce to my kids, but rather:

1) How and what do I say to my S7 & D7? They will no longer being seeing their stepmom. I will secretly being traveling to the States (once a year, for a week on business - wink -) to visit them, but it will just be me. How do I explain to them these eventual changes, and in an age-appropriate way, or do I unless they ask? They also cannot see their half siblings until I'm safely out of this relationship. Fortunately, my ex remarried, and they are expecting a baby brother on the way, so this can distract them somewhat. But still, I don't know what's appropriate and what's not in terms of what I communicate. My daughter is especially fond of her half brother. The last time we were all together was last Summer. So much has changed since then.
 
2) Do I tell them their stepmom is sick? Do I tell them I will eventually be leaving? How does this conversation go with 7-8 year olds?

I am getting a therapist soon for input and guidance, but I would appreciate any helpful tips and guidance from those with practice experience.

It's a sad reality that my twins won't be able to see their half siblings for another several years, but it's not safe to do so! In the meantime, my twins are happy to see pictures, videos, etc. And there may be some chances to discreetly FaceTime when my uBPDw is out of the house.

Thoughts? Thanks in advance!

I wouldn't tell them unless you exit your current marriage and establish custody.  "Baby bruh, little D and their mom won't make it this trip." It isn't a lie. Kids don't need to be burdened with adult issues, certainly not that your wife is "sick." They won't have the capacity or experience to understand that. 

Hi Turkish,

That's generally what I was already thinking ... .I guess I should refine my question: how do you tell kids / what do you tell kids once one exits the marriage? It's a few years out, but still. I am clueless with regards to this ... .

I think it is too early to be thinking in these terms.  If you stick to your current plan (which I think is a bit crazy, but I'm not in your shoes or your country), then much will change between now and when you finally plan to file for divorce.

I would suggest that your exW get the twins into counseling.  If you are only able to see them in secret occasionally, and only in person once a year, AND they never again get to see their stepmother or baby brother, they WILL notice.  They might not talk to you about it, but they will notice and they will likely be hurt and think it is their fault.   If the children are seeing a counselor, you can explain the situation to the T and get their advice on what to do.

I'm glad you are considering getting your own therapist.  You will be sacrificing a lot to stay in this marriage for the next 4 years, and the T will help you make sure that you are considering all sides and all of the consequences so that it is an informed decision.