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 :help:  I’m trying to determine what happened to my husband. We have known each other long distance for 9 years and he finally moved here from overseas.  We got married and all seemed fine for 9 months. Then, he started not coming home and failing to tell me.  He would apologize and then do it again. Them one night turned into 5 days away, each day saying he would come home but not.  Said he was just irresponsible was bored and wanted to have fun.  I said ok, just tell me and not let it be every night.  Well, it happened again and again, until he said he was not happy at home. I convinved him to go to the dr. I said he may have depression or sleeping problems, thinking he mught go. He came home but that night said he was doing laundry at 1am and didnt come back.  In his pjs in 20degree weather, taking almost nothing with him...  He texted me and said he thought i was pushing him to the dr and felt i was controlling. That was 3 weeks ago.  He is staying with a friend i never met and i saw him the day before valentine at hus work to say hello.  On valentine he didnt show for dinner, said he couldnt go.  He would cry too much.  Finally he said that throughout our married life he felt repressed and depressed by my actions and that he couldnt take it anymore.  He said he was going to explode. He even said he is not going on a trip we booked next week and that he doesnt know when he is coming home or what it will look like. This has been reallt bizarre behavior and one i did not see coming. I have read a lot about BPD and passive agressive online and feel like many things he does are fitting. During this whole time there is silent treatment, refuses to answer phone calls, it is highly manipulative and really does a number on you. I pretty much know a few bits of info he told me. That is all.  I am just sitting here suffering until he is ready to come home.  For this entire time he has had a hard time od explaining what was wrong. He said he needed time to think about it.  And then it morphed from Im bored and unreliable to it is your undefined behaviors that has driven me out and I cant talked to you face to face.  It is just too much. Oh but he still needs time to think to explain it more in detail and decide what things will look like when he gets home.  I’mhoping that someone will be able to help me identify what happened here.  Thank you

hi HubNeedsHelp, and *welcome*

i can imagine how awful it is to be recently married and have your husband disappear, and not know why.

about how often you speak to him, and when was the last time? does he ever contact you of his own accord?

Yes generally we exchange text messages daily. Some things he doesnt respond to.  He initiates contact as well. Regarding if he plans to come back he recently said, “ I will absolutely come back home, but Ii undecided when and what the situation will look like. I will get back to you.  Im making up my mind now.” It is all so strange to just change so suddenly, blame it on boredom and general unhappiness and then move to blame me for undefined behavior, and can’t bear to talk to me face to face to im coming home just not sure when and what purpose.

what things does he not respond to?

He will typically resppnd to everyday things, like if I ask him if he eats enough etc. but will either ignore or give little details about coming home, why he is gone, if he will see a dr.  He initially agreed to see a marriage counselor but says he will only go when he comes back home.  The strangest thing is that he said I he doesn’t want to see me. The reason was my actions and I think, although he hasn’t said is that he has internalized everyday comments and interactions as personal, when in reality, most people would not.  That is my suspicion.  Of course, I don’t know if he has simply created something in mind to explain his behaviors of not coming home, which I was critical of more in the beginning. Now, of course, he pushed the blame to me and the focus isn’t on isn’t on hir behavior. Sorry for going on and on. 

not at all. the more detail you can give us, the more we can help. these are obviously very difficult circumstances.


has he elaborated or given any examples of this?

No examples were given.  I just speculate after thinking about it and having realized that he is sensitive to criticism, mostly me expressing frustration about something. Nothing that would have been recent or frequent. Im kinda grasping at straws