BPDFamily.com

So... .

Of all the reading here and everywhere with varying degrees of insight, rubber stamping, labeling, and over all consensus, I’ve determined that the woman I love does have some sort of disorder and she does fit into some categories and others not. 

I spent a wonderful 12 hours together at her request on Sunday and it was something real, disorder or not.

Two instances:

1) A problem with my past and her seeing a woman she thinks is similar to that woman and dysregulation started. She started to become terribly angry, I remained calm, asked a simple question, who is she exactly, her response, just some student’s mother... .now quiet... .15 seconds later like magic, complete turn, passed and happy... .I used didactic for self reflection. Bingo.

A few hours later, she confided in me my insistent ways and why it gets her frustrated even when she knows my intentions in a calm and clear manor.  I thanked her for her kindness and I validated her by recognizing how difficult it was to say that, that is something I struggle with also.  I did disclose to her after a few minutes, that when I want to do things for her and she doesn’t want me to, I feel rejected.  It was a meeting of the minds, hers has things I’ve discounted because of my wanting to “classify” her.

I make the mistake of diving so deeply into the disorder, I forget the person.

Today communication was great except towards the end, she knows I’m going for counseling and it appears to be a threat somehow and I weathered it well but with a disconnect that I was so prepared for so no hurt or pain.

Anyway... .

That all sounds very good, Sandb2015!

The tools really can work when it comes to avoiding those escalations and it sounds like you were able to handle potentially tricky situations in a wise manner.

Especially early on, it is easy to classify our loved one as a type and somehow lose sight of the fact that this is a human being. A person. With wants, needs, likes, dislikes, a history, a personality and an imprint all their own. BPD (or some elements of BPD) is just a part of the whole. It's not the person. And being able to recognize the person is a huge part of having empathy -- which in turn helps in dealing with the disorder. Seeing the disorder and looking too much at statistics and tools is a trap I fell into as well. I'm seeing my H now as the man he is (helped by the fact that he's in a better place right now) and it's made a lot of difference in my attitude and in his.

Hi!  I am joining Ozzy in saying it sounds like the situation went well.  Validating her feelings and also not invalidating what she said seems to have worked! 

It is good that you were able to see this.  It is hard to see beyond the disorder and see the hurt and pain that is there so this is good.  What do you think was different this time around?

What have you told her about your counseling?

Hey Harri,

I see more awareness at times, I can almost seeing her try to maintain when we are together in person, that reinforces what my gut tells me.  I still get stuck on negative thinking, I tell myself out loud to stop, I'm trying mindfulness... .

After a great connection on the phone, texting, speaking, I see something great and I still start thinking in negative patterns.  I still get stuck in trying to imagine what she is thinking and feeling which I can't, aarghh... .some days, my patience with myself is nonexistent.

It's hard because she switches so quickly, so much more than before, I also see a depression I didn't before.  I'm obviously seeing many things I didn't before.

Right now I have this feeling of limbo as I'm taking the baby steps needed.

She asked me how it's going, NOT why I'm going, strange.  She is resentful of the money I'm spending because she needs money (she kicked me out :hi.  I've been going to Olive Garden to eat alone after T (sucks, but liberating), forcing myself to break the isolation I feel at times.

She quickly states I'm attracted to my T or getting #'s from girls that work at Olive Garden and than she picks up momentum and hangs up.

I'm listening to the feelings, not words... .

1) She may resent me being "close" to another female, confidant?

2) She sees me as replacing her easily... .her fear?

Can anyone break down those two for me if possible... .

Thank you,

Scott


PS, my aunt is very connected to Al-Anon and she is pushing for me to run, cut, heal, rethink my want to live a life with my love and we are doing a diplomatic dance... .yuck.

I went to a few meetings with her and I just can't relate, but highly respectful of how it helps so many.