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Wow. The “remembering” steps are so precisely what I’m going through that it really just clicked that this is a reality. It’s a contrast of emotions. Im glad I’m not alone or crazy but just so sad for myself and for my mom. Feeling powerless at the moment. The part I like the least right now is vascullating between the extreme rage at my mom and the knowledge that the rage can’t really stay or be fully directed at her because it wasn’t her fault. Looking forward to the “healing” steps is really exciting though. Thank you so much for this website.

Edited to add: Survivor to Thriver Program (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331826.0)

Hi Allnighter :hi:

Welcome to bpdfamily and I am happy to see you find the survivor to thriver program so helpful

Anger/rage is part of the healing process, yet being angry all the time isn't really sustainable, at least not in a healthy way. You yourself recognized too in your post that the rage can't really stay, yet anger is understandable and several steps of the survivor to thriver program also explicitly mention anger and how to cope with it.

What are the things that you are most angry about? What things that your mother did and/or still does, cause a certain rage in you?

What do you currently feel most powerless about?

I am also looking forward to seeing you on those Healing steps and in fact, even the first two phases (Remembering and Mourning) are about healing so you could say that you've already started the healing process

The Board Parrot

Hello!

Thank you for asking these questions. It is actually really hard to distill answers right now. Right now it’s a constant 24/7 mess of anger and powerlessness. I guess I can try and take some guesses.

1. That she didn’t put my needs first and still never does
2. That she blamed ME for her terrible feelings of self loathing and failure
3. That she undermined my sense of reality so often that I can’t trust myself
4. That she projected her problems and flaws on me
5. That she saw us kids as BAD all the time due to black and white thinking
6. Gaslighting and confusing me, trying to deny or downplay my memories!
7. All these memories of her being so horrible
8. My dad not stepping in
9. Her taking my family away from me by always painting me black, especially my dad
10. Her systematically taking away any coping mechanisms we managed to build, leaving us defenseless
11. The guilt and anxiety I am stuck with to this day, always my first knee jerk reaction
12. The loss of the picture of an ideal and above-average childhood, an illusion both of us desperately wanted to uphold
13. That she still won’t get real help for any of this
14. That in order to move on I have to accept and let go of controlling her opinion of me as rotten, selfish, spoiled, insensitive, proud, inflexible, vicious, hurtful, spiteful, and all the other things that actually SHE IS and projected onto me
15. My poor sense of self and self image/esteem
16. The fact that I still feel guilty for criticising her as I write this. The power that has on me.
17. Not being able to provide well enough for us - feed us enough, buy us clothes, teach us anger management, provide unconditional love
18. The feelings of hurt I feel right now
19. Taking away the motherhood ideal for me
20. The relationship problems I have now bc of her
21. The image of poor baby me trying to reconcile absorbing and rejecting the abuse at the same time
22. The anxiety and depression I currently have as a result
23. The fact that I have a score of 5 on the ACE scale

That about sums up the worst of it right now. Feeling very angry and powerless about all those things.

                       

One hug for each item on your list.

Panda39

Aaaawww that is so sweet! Thank you!

I relate to your entire list.

 I need to start reading Survivor to Thriver. 

I have been no contact for almost 2 months.  It is easy to remember because it was 2 days before the New Year. 

In the silence, I can still here her in my head.  But, she is fading.

Thanks for putting that all down and sharing your thoughts.

Chronsweet - I have been no contact for a few days because I told her I’m unplugging from the whole world, social media included. That was my intent. I’m taking this week to delve into my past. Journaling, self help books, reading endless articles. That being said, it was too hard to go long with zero support - but I’m still not responding to work contacts or my mother or social media. Anyway, masking it as a retreat (even tho it really is a retreat) worked well in minimizing her pushback, though she did try to guilt me out of it. It’s an arbitrary attempt at a love ritual that she demands I say goodnight to her every night. This is the second time I’ve intentionally refused that love ritual, Bc I used to believe that it really did mean I didn’t love her if I didn’t comply. I’m also used to feeling obligated to take care of her. Working up to being able to say I’m not gonna check in every night anymore. Will trigger her abandonment issues so hard and I have to not feel responsible for that first. This retreat is a first baby step. Or like maybe 3rd baby step.

I’m glad we are in this together. It sounds like we are in a similar place. I’m glad my list helped you. It helped me. Want to make a list too? What are you most mad or most powerless about? I’m sure I’ll relate too!