BPDFamily.com

Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup => Topic started by: Duano on February 19, 2019, 09:38:36 PM



Title: This is hard
Post by: Duano on February 19, 2019, 09:38:36 PM
Im in love, but clearly she has issues. She gets angry, frequently. Sometimes its justified, often times its not. She calls me names, hurls insults, and occasionally makes threats, all apparently intended to hurt me. It does.


Title: Re: This is hard
Post by: Q-DawgVFR on February 19, 2019, 11:52:55 PM
Hi and welcome.

Living with someone who acts inconsistently and behaves in a way that is hurtful to us is difficult.

How long have you been together?


Title: Re: This is hard
Post by: Purplex on February 20, 2019, 02:01:46 AM
Hey Duano,
I'd like to join Q-DawgFR and say *welcome*

I am sorry to hear what you are going through but I am glad you found us. If you take a look around the boards you will see that many of us are in similar situations. We get it and support eachother by sharing experiences, information and tools that can help us find a way to cope with our loved ones' behavior and better our relationships. You are not alone.
 
Could you give us an example of a recent conflict?
The more we know about you and your situation, the better we can help you.

Hope to see you around the boards!


Title: Re: This is hard
Post by: Duano on February 21, 2019, 01:46:11 PM
We have been dating for a year. She has a blow up every week or two, sometimes an overreaction to something Ive done, sometimes I dont understand what shes upset about. She yells abuse, doesnt want to see me anymore then, a day or two later we are a happy couple again. Ive learned to be nonconfrontational, and try to just wait it out, but its hard. Trying to use SET (Sympathy, Empathy, Truth) which seems to help. The abuse hurts, but I try to shrug it off. What I have the most problem with is the insecurity, just not knowing if we will be together from week to week.


Title: Re: This is hard
Post by: Steps31 on February 21, 2019, 02:10:13 PM
Yep


Title: Re: This is hard
Post by: theuproar on February 22, 2019, 10:30:16 AM
We have been dating for a year. She has a blow up every week or two, sometimes an overreaction to something Ive done, sometimes I dont understand what shes upset about. She yells abuse, doesnt want to see me anymore then, a day or two later we are a happy couple again. Ive learned to be nonconfrontational, and try to just wait it out, but its hard. Trying to use SET (Sympathy, Empathy, Truth) which seems to help. The abuse hurts, but I try to shrug it off. What I have the most problem with is the insecurity, just not knowing if we will be together from week to week.

In order to be present and helpful for someone with BPD, you have to find a way to compartmentalize that insecurity.  I work on it every day and over a long period of time have gotten better at it.  I've been where you are and improved, but I still struggle (just read my posts).  The longer you nurture that insecurity, the worse they will get and the relationship will become untenable. 

For me, I exercise regularly, play music, and meditate.  At work, I have also started to limit my communications with her so I can focus solely on my job, which improves my performance and thus my confidence.  I have constructed a whole life outside of my partner, because I/we cannot get everything we need from someone with BPD.  Just know that the abuse often has nothing to do with you.  I've seen massive improvements in our relationship by learning ways to weather the anger and stay present in the moment, because it is often only minutes later that she has returned to "normal".  Those with BPD live in the moment, so you have to learn to do that, as well.


Title: Re: This is hard
Post by: Vexed on February 24, 2019, 10:01:01 AM
What I have the most problem with is the insecurity, just not knowing if we will be together from week to week.

Unfortunately I don't think this feeling ever goes away when you're with a pwBPD. 

And for me the longer my rs continued the worse this feeling ate at me.  Not because I became more unsure but because I started to fear how much time I'd have thrown away if/when the breakup finally happened.