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Hello all!

One of the more empowering things I have found to do is to nurture my inner child. But I don’t have a lot of great ways to do that. Does anyone have great ideas on how to provide your inner child with what you did not get growing up?

Well, I am a self talker so learning how to express love, joy and acceptance to her was big for me.  Validation was huge.  I did  a lot of this sort of work on a message board I used to post on for sexual abuse survivors.  Just accepting little me, fears, shyness, anger and all was vital for me then.

Coming here, I have learned that it is equally important to have boundaries for her... .to teach her that boundaries are love not punishment even if she does not like them.  I sound like I think I am separate... .I am not but I can see little me and more often teenage and even more often the 20 something in me that is angry as hell still.  It is a work in progress.

Allowing her to be afraid but telling her she has to handle the fear and work with it all is important to me.  I am not sure I am expressing that correctly.  It is not about ultimatums or force, but for example, dragging my butt back to therapy.  That sort of thing.

What sort of things do you do now?  

Harri, this reminds me of how an insightful friend once described having to be your own parent, since your parent was not a true parent in the sense that we needed growing up. Both in terms of providing yourself unconditional love and making yourself do the things that you have to do to be healthy.

A therapist once had me visualize my young self, remember what my young self was feeling, and then actually give my current self hugs. It was powerful.

I'm always trying to tend to my inner child too. 

Hi Dotner!  Glad you joined us.   

  This is a great suggestion! 

I realized last night that you asked for more concrete ways to connect allnighter, and the above is an excellent way.

There are others ways to draw her out too.  Coloring books and crayons, finger paints painting, story writing, writing letters to her, heck, eating a meal you loved as a kid will do it.  I am not sure what you like but we can come up with more ideas.  I find getting the ball rolling is the hardest part and then the ideas just flow.

I had a T who used to tell me to buy a teddy bear and sleep with it.  A friend of mine bought a kit and built her own (way before build a bear came into being).

This is a great topic. To be honest, I don’t really know of ways to nurture JNChell as a rug rat. It’s been something I’ve been thinking about lately, though. I’ve watched this TedTalk a few times and I like the message. I’m curious as well, Allnighter. What works for you?

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=K_WL5iqvPlY (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=K_WL5iqvPlY)

JNChell, what sort of things did you like to do as a kid?  Make models, play with cars?  Legos?  I love playing with legos with my nephew.  I also bought him a remote control car that I just thought of for you.  That might get the kid in you communicating!  Or you can let out your inner artist and do some art, put on some tights and a tutu and dance!    Whatever your heart desires here...

The tights and tutu invited some weird looks and a possible black eye. I don’t know, Harri. I was an athlete and a hunter. A follower instead of a leader. Christ, you know who I am. I spent my best days partying. I wish that I hadn’t done that.

S4 has a remote control car as well. It does wheely’s and is very hard to steer.

I played with cars a lot as a kid. My dad was a car guy. Lately, research has been my thing.

I hear you.  I found the thought of talking with my inner teen to be quite intimidating... without partying that is.  

What i am talking about here is getting in touch with little little you... 4, 5, 6... before the beer at least.

Do you ever play with your sons car?  How about when he is with you and you guys are playing.  Does the kid in you come out?  That sort of thing. 

Now that you say it, I’ve mentioned getting the same remote control toy that S4 has so we can play together. “Rock styles” is what he calls it.

The kid in me does come out when he’s here. Dad has to be present, though.

I get what you’re saying. To be blunt, I have a very hard time letting my inner child out.

I have a hard time with seeing my inner child at all.  I have been quite distressed over the fact that I can't even meditate because I cannot bring anything to vision with my eyes closed.  I cannot picture, for instance, the beach (which i grew up by) as a vision in my mind's eye.  I cannot picture myself as a child.  My memories are very buried.  I am coming to the realization that my current self lives outside the border wall I have created to keep myself safe.  All I can remember are a flood of negative emotions and the memories of my mom hurting me over and over and over.  Even during our good moments, I have been realizing how enmeshed I was with my mom and how she created me to be an extension of myself.

If anyone knows any tricks or tips on how to get on the other side of the wall, please let me know.

Man, living with an uBPD mother really can do a number.  I hope that continued no contact will create a safer place for me to eventually open up.

Hi, chronsweet. Thanks for opening up. I can’t tell you how to reach your inner child. I’m not trained to do that. But, speaking from experience, your inner child is waiting for you.

If you could attach a note to a passenger pigeon that would fly over the walls that you described and deliver that note to your young self, what would the note say?

I’m very sorry that your mom hurt you so deeply. I understand. It’s no way to grow up. Know what I mean?

How long have you been NC?

NC for almost 2 months.  It was 2 days before the New Year started.

The reason literally is so stupid and shallow and I really feel like she was trying to drag me into it for weeks.  The episode followed her getting a small inheritance (begotten in an off-handed, though legal way).  When she got that, she gave me $1000.00 to help with the cost of remodeling my bathroom.  I cried when she gave me the money because she literally almost never helps me monetarily.  Her parting with $1,000.00 must have been quite stressful and when I now think of it, I shouldn't have even accepted the money.  Anyhow, after giving me that money, she disinvited herself to Christmas after I made a small comment about next time having the holiday at her house.  I always host everything.  Anyways, I talked her into coming to Christmas.  Then very shortly after Christmas, she picked a fight with me about my son not letting my niece use a login to his Roblox account.  He didn't want his stats messed up by her playing his account.  I wasn't even home.  So, after that she called me a horrible mother, told me my son was selfish and I ought to be ashamed of myself.

Incidents like this have occurred over and over to me in my life.  

So, what would I say to younger Chronsweet.  I would tell her that she is only a child.  I would tell her she IS good and she can accept that.  I would tell her she IS smart and she knows it.  I would tell her that her mom is crazy and it isn't her fault.  I would tell her that moms aren't supposed to behave this way.  I would let her know it is ok to make mistakes.  I would tell her that her mother definitely isn't always right, especially when it comes to how one feels.  

I have been trying to come more and more into contact with younger Chronsweet.  I do have flashes of incidents in my mind, in that they occurred and I can remember them happening.  But I can't see/replay the incident visually.  Just a mental sense that it happened and I know it happened.  

I think that the longer I go no contact and begin to feel some distance, I feel more relaxed with myself and my decisions.  Hopefully once I wrap my head around everything that has occurred and feel like I am in a safer "no contact" zone then I can work on getting to myself on a deeper level.  If I get some extra funds in a couple months (pay off a few bills), then I am going to see about budgeting in some therapy time.  I have gone, in the past, a couple times to see one.  Now that I think of it, my mom told me how she would never go to a therapist, had seen one before, didn't like the person at all, thought they were all quacks and basically put a negative connotation in my head about seeing one.

I feel like I am rambling.  Those questions really go me thinking I guess.

I have been thinking lots lately.

The pigeon has landed and the gears are turning. Good. You know, it’s mind bending how petty things get blown out of proportion. After experiencing it for years on end, it can become a normal. It doesn’t really  feel normal, though. I think that you did the right thing by setting a NC boundary. It doesn’t have to be permanent. It’s good that you’re allowing yourself some space to relax and think.:.on your time. No incidents are going to happen during this NC period. You can do what you want with this time. I really liked what you had to say to your younger self. I realize the importance of doing these things, but I’m terrible at practicing them. Maybe if I talk about it enough, I’ll get better at practicing them.   I don’t know. Wishful thinking or procrastinating. I’ll own the latter. I’m good at procrastination.

At this point in time, I can't see an end to the NC, don't want it to end.  It feels too quiet and peaceful.  My phone doesn't ring ten times a day and I don't have to listen to negative broadcasting 1000 decibels on re-run.

"It doesn't have to be permanent." I know you don't mean it bad at all, but the words feel threatening.  I find myself getting mad when my bf says to me, "I know your mom misses you." Or in any way insenuates that I can or should or might think about talking to her again.  I just simply don't want to.  I am worn out and tired from listening to her mouth my whole life.  The thought of her voice in my head is agonizing. 

Completely understandable. You don’t want to hear her voice. Period. Keep it this way as long as you need to. Even if that means permanently. In this life, I’m learning and accepting, we have to do what is best for us. Enjoy your peace. You need it.

Does your BF really understand the magnitude of the situation? Does he get it? If he doesn’t, try to go easy on him when you get frustrated. Maybe bring him here to read some articles if you’re comfortable in sharing this community with him.

I’m very sorry if I’ve invalidated your feelings and what you know to be true. If you want NC to be permanent, you can make that happen. That is your call.

If you don’t want to talk to your mother, make it clear to your BF. He’s most likely trying to be supportive, but show him where you need to be supported.

You set a boundary. You don’t have to hear that mouth now. In the absence of the damned noise, what would you like to do?