BPDFamily.com

Hello,

I’m new to this site. I’m recently back in therapy and with some help from my therapist have realized my mom has BPD. My mom is 80 years old and I’m her only child. My mom has been hospitalized 3xs since 2009 to a mental hospital. It has been one thing after another. I often feel lots of anxiety when dealing with her because she relies on me for everything. I do her bills schedule care for her and am in constant contact with her daily. I have 2 sons and am married. I am constantly feeling like I’m getting pulled in ten thousand ways. I have been doing lots of reading about BPD and see clearly what I have been dealing with all these years. I need to heal for myself and my children and feel like my mindset is so wrong now looking at my behavior. I thought I was in control where in fact I was being controlled. I want the dance to end. I want to soothe the little girl inside me. Any advice on first steps would be appreciated.

Hello and welcome to the board.  You have found a place where people get it.  We all have a family member with BPD or BPD traits and support and help each other.  Many of us are trying to figure out how to have a healthier relationship with our pwBPD (person with BPD) so you are definitely in the right place to change old patterns.

What sort of behaviors resulted in your mom being hospitalized?  Which behaviors do you find the most troubling to deal with?

Can you give some examples? 

Well, posting here and reaching out is the first step and you did that!     I would suggest taht you read and jump into other threads to as you will see that you are not alone and helping others or even relating to them is helpful for everyone.

I would also direct you to check out the Survivor to Thriver Program (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331826.0) we have tacked to the top of the page.  See if you can identify what step you are at.  Each item on the list expands when you click on it.  We also have the Survivor to Thriver Manual, at the bottom of the same page, which is free to download and has a lot of really good information for healing and working on recovery.

Again *welcome*

In terms of why she was hospitalized the first and second were tied into a mental breakdown. She flooded her condo and was in the state of psychosis. I kept reaching out to her physiatrist saying something is wrong but he did not help me. It was horrible situation but thankfully got her on the path to proper medication. My mom was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and BPD. It was a very stressful time because at first they thought she was just suffering from dementia or but what it was was wet brain. She was a alcoholic who also used klonopin. She was using these substances my whole childhood and had definite bipolar traits. It was hard growing up with her and when she got sick I went into caretaker mode. I guess I’ve been in that mode for years and just recently I started to see things differently. Realizing how maybe it’s not so much as dementia as much as it’s BPD. I started seeing all these characteristics and the light went on in my head. I grew up being the adult and now I’m seeing things clearly. It’s also very hurtful to me. I’m trying to process and let go of the feeling of sadness. I want to come to grips with these things so when she passes some day I feel closure. Maybe that’s impossible.

Hi again.  Thanks for the additional information. 

I can really relate to what you said about wanting to come to terms with a lot of this before your mom dies so you can get some closure.  One of my first T's told me that dealing with all the past abuse would be easier to do while my mom was still alive and I have to say I sort of latched onto that as truth.  I am thankful for the work I did prior to my moms death as I think it would have been much harder.

Anyway, I don't think getting closure is impossible, but it depends on what closure means to you.  How do you define it?

What caused you to start looking at your relationship with your mom differently? 

I guess I don’t even really know what closure I’m looking for. I guess that yes she had gone threw a lot but that doesn’t mean that I haven’t been threw my own trauma myself. I guess I gave her a pass due to the mental illness and kept the behaviors between us the same yet different. I still jump I still seek her approval I still get cut by her words. I’m trying to learn how I can stop that with her.
When I read the book my boardline mother I was just in shock at the similarities to my moms behavior.

   

We are all working on separating and not being so damaged by their behaviors and words and trying to detach so not only are you not alone you have lots of company.

Mental illness can cause a lot of trauma for everyone involved.  So many of us have given our parent a pass because of it.  

Detaching is a process and it varies for each person.  What helped me was to learn about the disorder and associated behaviors as that helped me put them in context of the disorder and not take things so personally.  Getting down deep to where the messages we were raised hearing is hard work but so worth it.  We can help ourself do this by learning some tools and coping strategies and, if wanted, going to therapy.  

A lot of us, including myself, do a lot of the inner work here on the board.  The people here are very supportive, empathetic and can challenge me while offering a different perspective.

Have you had a chance to look at the survivors guide yet?

What do you want help with first?