BPDFamily.com

I am a professional counselor, married to a professional counselor, and have begun to take seriously the notion that I may be married to a woman (19+ yrs) suffering from BPD. We've been to counseling.  A lot of counseling.  We know all the words and all the diagnoses and all the tricks.  It just rarely works in one's own relationship.  My rude awakening was coming home from work four days ago to find all of my stuff in trash bags in the alley behind our house, her telling me she knows all about the affair I've been having.  With someone that worked at my place of employment for a few months three years ago. A person I didn't interact with much three years ago, and have not seen since. In my confusion and shock, I left, waiting for her to calm down enough to talk.  She did not.  She told our daughters (8 and 10) that I'd left and wasn't coming back, I'm not sure what else she told them.  One won't talk to me.  I have stayed at my parents house for the last 3 nights, and have felt more anger, hurt, despair, confusion, fear, revulsion, compassion, resolve, weakness in 3 days than in my whole life total. 

It had been discussed with her by a therapist that she consider paying attention to the BPD traits she displays.  It was dismissed, and I made the terrible mistake of mentioning it once.  That was 2 years ago.  I suppose I dismissed it as well.  As it says in the title, I should know better.  Sometimes mechanics drive junky cars.  My therapist mentioned it to me recently, and I essentially dismissed it. What's the point, really?  It is well-known that those with BPD are reluctant to accept the dx or seek treatment. And, most of the time, the car drives just fine.

For the past 3 days, I decided to start to peek into BPD.  Not just the DSM criterion, I have those memorized and they offer little insight.  Everyone displays one or more of the symptoms and some point, and she'd always been missing the overtly self-destructive behavior.  Now, though, making wildly irrational false accusations, telling our kids and our friends, throwing me out...these things appear self-destructive considering it will make reconciliation difficult, and will significantly alter her relationships with our friends and our daughters once it becomes clear that these accusations are without merit.  She appears to many people that she is "unhinged".  I can lean on my professional wisdom enough to know she's not crazy, regardless of how crazy her behavior has seemed.

I've only just stuck my toe into the pool, and since many things seem to become clear as I explore, I may end up all wet here soon.  I'm am still hurting and feeling as much darkness as I've known, but even writing these words have made a difference.  Off to see my therapist in a bit to have my first conversation with a professional about BPD.   

   

hi fishbike, and *welcome*

thats pretty nuts to come home to.

im glad that you reached out. if your wife has traits of BPD, the number one thing you need is a strong support system.

is there anything that might have led up to all of this? has she ever accused you of an affair before?