BPDFamily.com

 :help:

I’m really struggling with a lot of self-blame. We had gone to her sister’s and my mood wasn’t 100%, because I was just, well, I was feeling anxious meeting her family as I always am, due to her hyper vigilant behaviour whenever I’m around them.

I tried my best to ‘fix’ my mood on the way there, but she was becoming angrier and angrier and I was beginning to feel intimidated and anxious. Once we got there, things got worse when the sister’s boyfriend asked if everything was OK between us. pwBPD then stood in the middle of the living room, ranting about how miserable I’d been, my facial expressions being terrible, etc etc. Her sister and sister’s boyfriend just stared at the floor throughout.

I was nervously trying to make jokes throughout this, as pwBPD was smiling intermittently and I thought maybe I could lighten the mood - apparently this was rude, dismissive and sarcastic and only served to make her angrier.
 
Towards the end of this rant, pwBPD turned towards me sitting on the sofa and told me I needed to leave because I was making her angry, that she wasn’t joking, that I needed to leave. I was baffled as I’d already sat down with my shoes off and though that this was just really too much.

I went downstairs to put my shoes on etc, and called her down to ask to talk. She came down and I asked her why she was doing this - I was told in an angry shouty whisper that this wasn’t my house, I need to leave, this isn’t your house, you’re never coming back here again, if you don’t leave now I’m calling the police. I left.

She broke up with me about an hour later, telling me that I disrespected her and her family with my behaviour and that it wasn’t OK, and that she can never be involved with me again because of this. She then told me she needed time to 'calm down' and not to contact her for a few days, which I haven't.

I am feeling incredible self-blame. It was mere days ago things were fine between us and I can’t stop thinking about what I could have done differently to prevent this. I tried my best to just get on with the day, but that rant was really unsettling.

She doesn’t want to talk to me, and told me to let her calm down. I’m really quite upset at this event because she’s broken up with me and in her mind I’ve disrespected her family immensely, so seems to want nothing to do with me but still said we can be friends?

She pointed out lots of things I did that were ‘rude’, such as not saying hello to the sister as soon as I walked in. Honestly, I could not see the sister as I think she was in the bathroom, and I was waiting for her to come in the living room. When she did appear, I gave her a hug and said hello. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with that.

It’s hard for me to be around her family, because she is watching me intensely and points out all these things like not shouting out hello into the flat, all these little customs that she has with the sister that I’m expected to follow but don’t know about. I can’t keep up and this makes me so anxious. But she repeatedly calls me rude for missing these millions of small social cues.

I’m just really struggling with understanding this. I feel like I’ve gone mad, and I don't know what to do. I am worried that I'll never hear from her again.

I don't think this has anything to do with you or who you are.  This sounds to me like she was having anxiety (as were you, possibly making you more sensitive to her criticism) about spending time with her family and became dysregulated. I know that my SO's uBPDxw was very concerned about keeping up with appearances with her family too.  

Her family would see all the crazy stuff she'd do and I think in her mind her goal was to prove how "normal" she was.  So those visits could become pressure packed trying please people and not being who she really was. They would be very stressful and we know that stress and BPD don't mix very well.

I think your gf may have been projecting what she felt on to you. (remember for someone with BPD feelings often equal facts).  She likely felt judged by her sister (whether or not her sister was in fact actually judging) so she was projecting those feelings on to you.  Projection is a way for someone with BPD to unload bad/painful feelings they have about themselves on to someone else.  This is her problem and this isn't about you and what you did or didn't do.  Just be yourself in these situations, you are not a mind reader and nor is it your job to be one.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121173.0

Panda39

I have read this and I was given this exact same opinion by many other people on another BPD message board, and this seems to make the most sense as every time I see her family she becomes hypervigilant over my behaviour, and after the visit, will often point out really minor things that I did/didn't do that she felt were wrong, or congratulate me on doing certain things 'correctly'.

I believed that I was polite, I was well-mannered, said hello to everyone, I stood up in  the living room until everyone else came and sat down and then I sat down in a vacant chair (so as not to take someone's 'spot') - I'm here explaining all of these little movements, but I'm sure most people act this way in someone else's house?

So now I have disrespected her family and her (in her mind).  I don't know what I am supposed to do from here on in. I had no idea I would be broken up with over this, and there is no other way I could have acted in that situation.

She has recently had her hair bleached, and it didn't come out the colour she wanted it so, perhaps that may have added to the feeling of her being judged by her family. Her sister, for the most part, just stared at the floor throughout this rant. No-one said a word throughout. I was asked to leave - silence.

I remember that as I was downstairs putting my shoes on, I called up to her to ask to talk. I heard the sister's boyfriend say to pwBPD "please just don't shout by the door, because of our neighbours" - now, he doesn't know me, neither was I even speaking during any of this, so I doubt that was aimed at me. More as if she has a history of doing this.

I am distraught, because we had only just gotten closer again and here I am, again. I have no idea what to think or do next.

Good Morning E_P,


Trust me, most 'foo' knows, ( family of origin ).

This has probably been in their forefront for years, they know… and another thing, the 'foo' will usually try at all cost to 'keep the secret'… all I was told before I married "Q" (my uBPDw) was that "she has a temper"… yeah, and one lady in the reception line after the wedding leaned in and whispered into my ear, "Q" "is special"… hmmm,

Yeah, they know!

This has always perplexed me, once I started to figure things out… here goes, I'll try to explain it…

"the pw/BPD will become very angry, and agitated, to the point of rage, when the non starts to become anxious, and even has anger of their own towards the pw/BPD for being angry at them… in the first place."

… basically, the BPD'er gets mad at you, for being upset that the BPD'er is mad at them (you) .. and then… AND THEN!… you get punished for it !

That's the crazy part…

That's like pulling somebody out of a burning car on the highway, and then they get mad at you for ripping their shirt, and then you get angry at their perceived maladaptive, ungrateful, and strange behavior… then they sue you for ripping their shirt!… never mind the burning car… that isn't important… what is important to them (BPD person), is that you have "slighted" them… so now you're going to pay ; (

Hang in there E_P,

Kind regards, Red5

Hello  

I found their reactions to her outburst odd, yes. It's clear, on further inspection, that they do know about her behaviour, yes. I've never seen her that angry, and it is still, four days later, making me anxious to think about it. I'm also alone, and have no-one to talk to, and that is making it worse.

I feel like giving up. I am in such emotional pain.

Hey E_P, keep coming here, and writing it all out, folks are listening, and many of us have been exactly where you are now… and have experienced many of the same things… and we all know it is painful  


You've heard the saying, about "blood" is thicker than water… or wine : )

I've heard many many stories about my own uBPDw's upbringing and life from her, ie' her previous marriage, and how she interacted with her foo… how her foo was this, that, and the other… through the years ..

… her middle sister (No.2), and her (uBPDw), have had an on and off again relationship for years… when her brother passed at age forty, the sisters and foo mum traveled north to be with his wife and daughters… during the course of this event, uBPDw became agitated at their mother, (long story)… and sister (No.2 middle) intervened, resulting in uBPDw throwing a cup off coffee into her face !… no, cant make this stuff up, we were still dating then .. of course this brought uBPDw a couple of years of NC/Grey Rock from No.2 sister…

One of many "events" I could write here about… she even went after her D33's MIL a few years back .. and that bought about three-four years of NC from D33 towards her mum (uBPDw)… only uBPDw's cancer dx ended that…

So guess who came over to help uBPDw move out of our home, after she cold cocked my son (autistic) in his grape three times (uBPDw is his step mom)… well of course foo sis No.2!… and foo sis No.1's two strapping young sons...

… see, the blood is thicker, and they keep that secret… and they stick together… even as they dysregulate onto each other… $$ says that both her sisters also present traits of npd, as well BPD… and from what I hear of foo mom (my MIL),.. and as well grandmother (now deceased)… it is generational.

All very interesting, but sad, because the cycle has not been broken.

I have a rather interesting "fishing story" I wrote about several months ago now .. I went fishing with No.2 sisters husband (step brother in law_BIL)… we'll call him "Viqtour"… boy oh boy, I was with him from 18:00 till zero three AM… and "Viqtour" basically "dumped on me"… I should have charged him the going fee… ,

I learned so much, and he seemed happy to tell me all about it… same with my other "step" BIL, the oldest sister, No.1's H… we'll call him "Risky"...

We built a shed/shop out back, and he is a master carpenter, so "Risky"… he was basically hired by my wife (uBPDw) to assist, to "help them out", as he was out of work… so I'd take days off to hang with him… same thing, "dumpex"… I learned more than I ever wanted to know about this foo… wow ; (

And what's strange, neither of us (either step BIL) is really close... we don't like hang out or anything… but seems when I'm alone (was) with either of them, even all together (3 of us), that was the topic of conversation… they refer to it as the "N family curse"… I kid you not…

Yes, foo knows… absolutely they do !

Before we got married… "Risky" asked me, Red, why are you going to marry her (uBPDw)… this is years before I had any clue… and I said, "I want to make her happy"  … and he replied, and I'll NEVER forget what he said… he says to me… "good luck with that"… whoa!

There was a whole dump truck load of red flags… and I paid no attention to any of them…

… both these men, "Viqtour and Risky" .. are both "kept men"… either of these marriages are over the thirty year mark now… they are "shells", they look and act beaten… ask either of them, "who takes care of the bills man"… both say, "she does"… "I have no idea, and I don't care"… "as long as she leaves me alone"… I kid you not !… both said to me… "I hand over my paycheck to her, and what happens after that I don't known, and I don't care"… wow : (

They both seem like they are always "watching out"… and "laying low"… when the whole foo would get together, on a holiday, it was always very interesting to "watch"… once I started to become aware...

My uBPDw has said to me many times… "you stand up to me Red, my ex H never did that"… "I felt like I was his mother" she'd say… hmmm… they divorced back in '04', and he passed in '16' from lung cancer…

Life is very interesting, if we are watching ; )

Hang in there E_P, and keep posting !

Red5

I wonder if anyone is able to offer me any further insight into what I should do in this situation?

I feel as if I have been broken up with for no reason, and I am distraught.

I don't think I have ever known a situation or pain quite like this. This is the second time she's ended things with me, and this is far worse as I don't think I actually did anything.

She is maintaining silence - she did say she needed a few days to calm down, but still, it isn't making me feel any less anxious. I feel sick most of the time, because things were fine up until we went to her sister's. I am scared that she won't contact me again, and I am now just feeling like running away or some other extreme behaviour, because this is MAD. I don't believe I did anything wrong, and I'm being punished for it.

I know it hurts, I hear you 

How long have you been been together? 


We really can't tell you what you "should do", but as I see it there are 2 options, one that you reach out to her or two you wait and see if she reaches out to you.

If you were to reach out to her what might you say, how would you approach her?


Your probably right you were likely broken up with impulsively due to what she felt in that moment.  The thing is you might be expecting  someone with BPD to act like someone that doesn't. BPD is a mental illness so she may not always act/react in a rational way.

There is also a behavior called "Push/Pull" that can happen in BPD relationships and you may be in the Push part of it.  More on Push/Pull...https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=99725.0

I also thought I'd share a couple of books on BPD if you want to learn more...

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS, Randi Kreger

I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality
by Jerold J. Kreisman, Hal Straus 

Hang in there,
Panda39

I don't think I am ready to reach out to her, yet. I'm not coherent or confident enough in what I want to say to her. We have also been through this once before, and she accused me of stalking/harassing her, even when I'd left it a good few days before contact. I am also worried about what her reply might be; if I catch her in the 'wrong' mood, she may insult me, and I am not at a mindset where I can deal with that. I don't know how long a 'few days' is for her, either. This entire situation is draining, and nothing's even happening, right now. The amount of thinking I'm having to do, the mental gymnastics; for what reward?

To be told be her "don't contact me within the next few days or I'll block you" - is that a threat? What sort of statement is that? So many hurtful things being said, and I still can't find where I've even done anything wrong in the first instance.

She did impulsively break up with me, and I know she is impulsive, which is why it's just so hard to view this as 'final' and to really process it in the way I may have processed previous break ups with other people. When my ex moved out, I was upset, but I don't ever remember feeling this sense of waiting or wishing or expecting her to come back. I knew she was gone, and that was it. This is so different, and it's worse.

Thank you for the book recommendations. I've seen those books around, I may purchase one and see how I get on.

Apologies, I appear to have posted under an old username in this thread, whoops.

E_P,

The “Stop Walking on Eggshells” book is on youtube in an audible file, it’s eight hours long, so you can mark time and go back and listen to certain parts... they have also put it in one of the groups on the main page here (link)... I don’t have the link handy, but’s it’s here somewhere...

“I Hate You Don’t Leave Me” is also on “audble” now.

Kind regards, Red5

This is now the fourth day of not talking to each other, and I'm feeling as if I want to make contact, although I'm scared to really do so because I don't know what her reaction will be. But I am finding this really difficult.

She did say it was 'over', then she said to just give her some time to calm down, she just needs some time. I don't want to appear that I am unable to respect someone's need for space, but I am also struggling. I don't know what it is I want to initiate contact for, I mean, she may very well have meant that it's over... but I still feel as if this was all for nothing.

I know I shouldn't, but I often look at when she is online/offline and she seems to be spending a lot of time online and it makes me feel as if she's talking to someone else, now - replaced me. She rarely spent much time online and now she's online all the time. I was the only person she'd really talk to. I mean it's literal days after us 'breaking up' so how can it move that quickly?

She said she does care about me, and does have feelings, but then why has she not reached out? I am finding this silence too much to bear. I don't know what to do or what to think. I wish someone could help me understand this, or help me with what I should do. I wish I could just contact her without having to worry about a reaction.

To me both of these things say to leave her be.  Either the relationship is over in which case there is no need to reach out or she needs some time so I would give her that time and let her calm down and reach out to you.  I know this is hard, and uncomfortable for you...to be waiting in limbo, but I would just wait and see.

You are putting a lot of focus on her, how about instead, take this time to take care of yourself.  Self-care is really important when we have someone with BPD in our lives.  What are somethings you enjoy doing?  What about getting together with some friends?  Maybe read up on BPD I found it really helpful to read about it and get a good grounding in what it is.  Are you seeing a Therapist at all?  You might try to find one familiar with BPD, my SO found it very helpful to get that extra support regarding his uBPDxw.

I'm sorry this is so hard on you. 
Pand39

This is the best advise E_P, I know the silent treatment (ST) can be almost unbearable… but you will have to become 'mindful' in your current situation, you surely cannot effect the feelings, or conduct of a disordered person when they are in this state of devalue, and discard…

I too, am currently "waiting it out'… my wife of eight years, moved out about three months ago, I can certainly understand your current state of concern, and emotional pain in regards to your own situation, I too am walking this path currently.

Yes, Panda39 is right on, in what she has written, now is the time to be taking care of yourself…

… one day at a time,

Hang in there, Red5

 :help:

Against really my better judgement, I decided to contact her. It had been six days since the last contact we had, and I felt that was enough to be "a few days" which is what she had asked for. I sent her a message, which, from spending time on this forum seemed to be the best way to phrase something.

I wrote "hey. how are you feeling?"

She responded straight away with "I told you not to message me"

And that was it. I haven't responded to that. I suppose  perhaps I shouldn't have taken that action, and now I feel as if that's something else she is angry with me about, but it has been a few days, and that is what she asked for. I purposely crafted the message to be about HER wellbeing, and not mine, and I still received that response.

I feel really more upset now, because I believe the break up to be real, now.

 :help:

I don't know if I should send this :

You did tell me not to message you for a few days and I feel I gave that to you. I just thought maybe we could talk about how we are going to move forward from everything that happened, as you said we could possibly be friends, etc. I understand if you’re still upset with me. I reached out to you today because you hadn’t been in to university and I was worried about how you were feeling.

It's likely that if I do she will just block me. I feel like there's something wrong with me.

There is nothing wrong with you, you are just hurting and trying to understand and trying to reach out with a caring nature.

She did say to leave her alone so she probably will not respond well to another message, so if you sent it, you would have to be prepared for either more anger or no response.

I have decided not to reach out again, as I know that she may block me (which she has done in the past when I have taken this same approach) or respond with more unkind words, and I do not want to feel any worse than I am feeling right now.

I feel as if I have gone mad; how can I WANT to be around and with someone who can do this to me? I also have no support around me, and that is making it worse. How can someone who claimed to have strong feelings me not even a week ago, now be talking to me in this blunt, uncaring way? I am close to pouring myself a glass of rum, which is not something I want to do, but my feelings are so intense that I see no other way out of managing my feelings.

East_Plastic, you'll be ok, pour yourself that glass if that's what it takes right now, don't judge yourself.

What you are feeling and saying isn't new here although it is new to you and you are inside a terrible storm without shelter.

Pull away ever so slowly, you can't have the influence you need to have, you cannot get through and it is desperation that you are feeling and it sucks.

Go run around the block, go for a drive, watch something on TV, have another glass or two for now, take a long shower and scream it out.

Write it out, type it out here, this could be your shelter.  There are so many tools. techniques, self soothing materials here.

You will obsess, you are obsessing, this is something you need to get a grip on.

Give YOURSELF a break, contact will happen later and you probably don't want to be feeling what you're feeling now when that time comes.

You will be better than you are now.

I think this is a good kind of question to be asking.  I think that many of us can be care-takers and rescuers and we spend so much time doing and giving to our partners that we can forget about ourselves.  Their happiness becomes our happiness and we somehow loose the ability to be happy without them  (enmeshment). We forget about what we need and what we deserve.

I think it is good to be looking inward and ask those questions.  Why do you accept emotional abuse?  What do you get out of being in this type of relationship?  Are you co-dependent? What was your upbringing like?  Is that affecting your choices?  Are you afraid to be alone?...

You are not alone in asking these kinds of questions, I think most of us here arrive focused on the BPD person in our lives and eventually start looking within and ask why do I feel this way about this person/relationship?

Panda39

It's not as if I haven't been through break ups before. But the thing is, they are always preceded with either a gradual distancing, or an "we need to talk" type comment. I'm having great difficulty processing the sudden anger, break up and now the ban on us talking.

A lot of the time I feel as if I should shut up, get on with it, move on, it's a break up, they happen. At the same time I don't feel as if this is real, not final - due to her past pattern of coming back/changing her mind about things regularly.

She at one time told me that nothing was going to happen between us, that it's friends only, repeating it and telling me that I was not to make things any more than friends - less than a week later we had become intimate again and decided to start things up between us.

When a person has shown me those tendencies, it's hard for me to then say, alright, this is what they've said, this is what they mean.

I didn't mean to quote this, was supposed to be an edit!

this isn't the first time she has broken up with me, so of course my mind is having difficulty viewing this as final. i have been through other breakups where the denial is characterised by a frantic "oh my god! this isn't happening! no! she didn't mean this" etc. whereas this feeling feels very different - it's calmer, as in, well after a while she'll be back, this is her pattern, etc.

however, time is moving on now and i'm wondering whether i am being unrealistic to assume she will reach out again. i am finding it hard to try and move on, as we attend university together and it's likely we will at the very least have to speak to each other about uni work. so, as happened last time, it's possible for us to drift back together. at the same time, i also recognise that maybe it's just over, and i'm struggling with the possibility that she might not come back.

Me2, after my undiagnosed BPD wife moved out on December 1st, I actually felt great nervous relief… then after a few days, weeks, I started to pine for her again… seems it doesn't take long for me to ruminate all the "bad' away… and now three months down range, I miss her terribly, fear obligation and guilt (fog) is very heavy right now… we have been married eight years, and together for eleven, we are both early fifties in age, both married previously, for over twenty years each respectively… that's a lot of "time".

Its tough… waiting and wondering…

Hang in there East_Palstic

Red5

today we saw each other for the first time at uni. She came in and sat with me, so I thought things were improving. She sat with me for three classes, and then, at the last class she sat somewhere else, alone. I thought that was odd but didn’t say anything.

At the end of the class, she got up and left, not saying bye or even looking back. I left to catch her up, saying “do you wanna go for a coffee?” She answered really rudely and bluntly said no, and didn’t even look at me. At this point she was walking so fast it was impossible for me to catch up.

We got to the train platform and I said look, I thought it might be good to talk about everything that happened. She didn’t look at me and just said “I don’t want to talk, you’re not listening to a word I’m saying”

So I just walked off and got into another carriage.

I messaged her saying that I just thought we could talk about things.

She responded saying that she only wants to be uni friends, and only talk about uni related things.

I told her that I was finding it difficult to be on the receiving end of this push and pull, and that I’m confused and hurting.

She said that because of the incident at her sister’s house that her feelings have changed and she doesn’t want to continue. That incident wasn’t even my fault.

As she’s broken up with me before, I had hoped she’d change her mind. She still seems really angry with me.

I can’t lie, I’m very upset because not only had I thought she’d ‘come back’ but now this appears to be a final break up.

I don’t know what to do or think. She said we can still hang out at the uni ‘and whatever’ but I’m just feeling like there’s no point.

I tried talking to her more about my feelings, she said that we can hang out at uni but that's all she is interested in 'right now'.

I'm not sure how I'm going to cope.

I spoke to her about how I was feeling, that I still cared about her and was finding this difficult - she had told me treat her in the same way that I treat a guy in class that I rarely speak to. I didn't quite get that comparison, as I don't speak to him and I have no history with him.

She shut down any discussion or comment about my feelings. She would repeatedly say "stop" if I mentioned my feelings, which didn't help. She says that she  would like us to be 'uni friends' and hang out at uni only 'for the moment', and that I should 'let things happen when and if they happen' - which of course I am stupidly thinking means one day she'll want to spend time with me again (as she's done this before)

She has also in the past said one thing, and, by the end of that week, been doing something totally different - as in, spending time with me. So it is hard to view any of this as real, or serious.

I don't know if I should remain friends with her as I recognise some of the things she's saying from the last time we broke up, but then I also don't know if I should just try to move on, although the thought of that is very difficult.

I am really finding it difficult to 'let go' from this person. Anyone that knows about the situation where she became angry with me can see that I didn't actually do anything wrong. Things were fine up until that day, and now she says her feelings have changed about me because of it, but I haven't done anything. SHE became angry, SHE stood up and told everyone that we'd just had a little 'tiff' on the way there - they wouldn't have known, otherwise.

Now it feels as if she hates me. She says we can be friends and still sits with me at uni, etc - but her attitude and mood keeps switching, almost as if she's really annoyed at me.

I miss her so much, and I am struggling to understand any of this. She says she doesn't want to be involved with me because there's 'too much drama' but it's HER that is causing the drama, not me.

Can anyone give me any advice? I thought about telling her how I feel, but that doesn't seem to be working. Seeing her and having her sit with me at uni is making things harder. She seems fine not talking to me outside of uni. A lot of people keep saying she'll 'come back' (this is the second time she's broken up with me) but I can't see it.

It is hard, i know. But you must try and calm down for yourself. You did nothing wrong. She is a whirlwind of emotion right now and she has to calm down herself.

She wants to be friends and that is all she is capable of right now, she cannot cope with any other emotions, hers or yours.

When she is calmer, you’ve broken up before, so you will probably know when that is, then she will be ready to talk to you.

If you feel that her sitting near you upsets you, then you may have to move. That may upset or annoy her, but at the moment you have got to be the priority. You have to be stronger emotionally when you do eventually talk.

That makes sense, I suppose. She is keeping me at a greater distance than she has in the past, though. Says we can hang out at uni, but then did that thing where she just left without even saying goodbye, etc. I found that really difficult.

The sitting together - while it is difficult, I recognise that if I want to try and make any progress with her, I'll have to keep doing it. It gives us the chance to be around each other at least, and I feel as if, if she really didn't want to be around me that she wouldn't have come in and sat with me. I don't know.

*mod*

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Part 2 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334885.msg13041620#msg13041620