BPDFamily.com

Hi,

I would like to use this post to pen down some memories.
I am trying to understand why I react so strongly to my mother's little behaviours. Things that others seem to be able to simply ignore. Especially her constant whimpering, whining and sighing about physical discomfort.
Not the big stuff: she had an eye operation for cataract, I only knew once she asked me to drive her to and fro for the actual op. Same for her operation for varicose veins. She will not talk about the actual state or treatment of her skin cancer,  but she will use it as an excuse to stay locked up inside (she has to wear an hat and she doesn’t want to, it makes her feel ‘stupid’).
But the petty stuff…it is never ending, and I seem unable to let it simply be.
When asking myself why, the following memories surface. I don’t know if and how they are related though.
Maybe I am just truly way too intolerant with an elderly lady who happens to be my mother?
If so, please be honest and straightforward and tell me. I can take it. 

-1- Age 17,18, 19?
I was living alone with my mother. My brother was living with his girlfriend and barely ever visited or stayed in touch.
She suddenly had a serious problem with her back. She couldn't even stand anymore. A nerve was blocked or something. It was really painfull and she could barely move. She was howling with pain, asking for help.
I got her mattress down from the first floor, put it on the floor in the living room and helped her lie down. I called the doctor. He came round and stated that it was a stuck nerve. He gave her an injection against the pain and told her she just had to lie down as muc as possible untill it passed. I don’t know how long it took, but it lasted more than a week. I brought her breakfast and drinks for the day before I got to school. I helped her go to the bathroom. I washed her. I looked after her and the house untill she was up and about again. She did not stop howling and whimpering, lamenting on her state.There were no mobile phones yet. I don’t remember seeing or hearing from my brother once in those weeks.
(I suspect this experience with my mother might be why I get triggered when DH has a hernia attack and is writhing in real, excuciating pain - I tend to be able to help him over the most acute part, and then I kind of phase out)

-2- Age 22
I had been in a relationship with my now husband for a while and we had been living together for a month or 2. My mother had a hard time with the loneliness/abandonment. I called her every day and often went to visit. One weekend, DH and I were going on a day excursion. We were really looking forward to it. My mum knew this. We had only just bought tickets to a museum when I got a call on my pre-historic mobile phone. It was my mother. She asked me to come home immediately. She had a bad migraine attack. She was throwing up and fainting at the same time, and she was afraid she might die (her words). I tried to gauge the severity, but we ended up leaving, driving more than an hour to her place. When we got there, DH stayed downstairs and I stayed with her for the rest of the day. She did throw up again, and she did faint. I couldn’t help her though, she was far too heavy for me to hold. I almost panicked. In the evening the worst of the attack had worn off, so DH and headed back to his/our place. Before I left, I told her that in future, if she really thought she was going to die, maybe she should call an ambulance first, because I was not a medic and there was little that I could do in such a situation. We said our goodbyes and we left. I can see now that that was a very WRONG thing to say to her, but remember, I was only 22, and unaware of any of the dynamics.
The next morning I drove back to check up on her. I let myself in. She was still in bed, but clearly feeling much better. I got the full frontal right away. Without even greeting me, she asked me to leave my key on the kitchen table and to leave. She would be giving the key to someoe ‘who truly did care about her' instead of me.
I was in shock. I JADED, I pleaded, I ended up leaving – with my key – tears streaming off my face. I called my brother and told him what had happened. He mediated for a week and told me when it was safe to go back. And I did go back. Tail between the legs. She acted as if nothing had happened and we never talked about it again.

-3- Age 23 – only a couple of months later.
My mother and I were going on our last ever holiday with just the 2 of us. The trip had been booked long ago, before I was living with DH. It was I Nile cruise, and we were both looking forward to it. The trip was great, but the timing was all wrong, because it was Ramadan. I felt very unwelcome there, and it felt disrespectful to be eating and drinking during the day. Unfortunately my mother got really ill. She had a high fever and could not even hold in a drop of water. I tried to take care of her as best I could. After 4 days, she was exhausted and dehydrated. I managed to find a local doctor who could speak some English and who was willing to come check on her during Ramadan. She needed a drip to get hydrated again. It took 10 minutes of negotiations and an underhand payment of $50 to get him to give her a drip. All the time she was moaning, begging me to take care of her. She did get over the worst of it before the end of the trip, but it took her a long time to heal completely. It also took a long time fo her to stop reminicing how ill she had been.

That's  it for now. I need to let go of the feelings related to these memories, I think. I'm all tensed up now. Need to let go...

Libra.

Hi Libra,  :hi: 

This is such a great idea to post your memories to help you process them.  I can't give you much insight into knowing why it is affecting your current behavior but I do think it's important to write about them to help you process as it helps others to process and remember theirs as well.  Sometimes as I am writing about them or talking about them the answers will come.  So keep talking and keep posting.

I can share a few of my experiences:

1. Me at 7-12 years old.  Happily and contented playing outside or at one of my friends house my mother would call me home just to get a bowl or a dish out of the cupboard that she was unable to reach.  I used to joke about it with my friends but as you were writing your experience it made me begin to wonder if it was all about getting attention.

2. Age 7-16 years.  My mom would ask me to brush her hair for 20 minutes and sometimes massage her feet for a long period of time.  Of course I did that for her because I was a loyal daughter.  I don't remember this behavior being reciprocated.  I wouldn't think of asking one of my children to do this. 

3. Throughout my childhood she would slam cupboards in a rage of something or another.  She swore like a trooper.  I joke she made up swear words that would make Howard Stern blush.  I remember he being angry much of the time.  Frustrated.  My home environment was unhappy.  I was provided though.  My father went to work every day and was a hard worker.  I never went without. 

4. age 16 through 40.  She had a massive heart attack when I was 16 years old.  The Drs. brought her back to life with the fibulator's 12 times.  Her heart was unstable throughout the night at times beating only 7 beats per minute.  For the next few decades she would be in and out of the hospital after open heart surgery.  Finally, it was cancer that took her when she was 69 years old.  But I was her caregiver throughout her life.  Visiting her a hospitals, talking to doctors, making sure they didn't give her the wrong meds while she was at the hospital.  During her final days I almost had a nervous breakdown there was so much crazy going on around the family.  Too much to even go into details in this post. 

I can see how my upbringing played a big role in being attracted to my uBPDbf.  My considerations or well being were not encouraged or taken in account.  It was all about my mother.  Soo, I have to work at keeping myself into consideration as my default is not to consider me.  I am getting much better at doing that these days. 

My life is pretty good.  I am starting a new job tomorrow which will give me excellent benefits and a pension and decent pay.  I am so happy my heart is overflowing with gratitude.  My struggle is that with this happy news I feel like the other shoe is going to drop at any time now.  Currently, I am asking the God of my understanding to take away that fear.  I have never experienced this fear so strongly as I am now.  I know it's because I am so excited and I can't believe that I have such an awesome opportunity.

Keep posting your memories! 

What a great idea for a post Libra and I am glad you joined us here Tsultan!

Libra, how are you doing now that some time has passed since posting?  I don't think you are being intolerant at all.  We can't look at individual incidents without remembering all of the history that adds to the reactions and feelings.  These memories stand out for a reason and I wonder if perhaps you are being too hard on yourself here.  Being in a foreign country and managing to find appropriate medical intervention during a huge holiday is pretty incredible!  I can imagine the stress and anxiety but you were still able to function and were very effective in dealing with the problem. 

This is a very good thing to tell her.  Just because she got angry and pushed back does not mean it was inappropriate or wrong or intolerant.  It was truthful and factual and she really would be better off calling emergency services.  Her reactions do not define the value of your words or actions.

At 17, 18, 19 it is a lot to be responsible for taking care of a parent to the point of feeding and bathing them for over a week.  Seriously.  And of course you wanted to go out with your then boyfriend! 

I do think you are being too harsh on you Libra.   I am not sure how the three memories are related but (!) it sounds like inappropriate expectations were placed on you in very stressful situations.  Did she ever say thank you?  Tell you that you did a great job helping her and you 'saved' her?  I am not a mom, but I think I would be proud of my child being able to handle such situations!  *And* I would be worried and concerned about putting you in such high pressure situations. 

What was your moms reaction?  Did she even say thank you?

Tsultan, welcome to PSI!

I can hear a similar theme through your memories as well.  That was a lot of care taking for a young child / young adult to do... even as a 40 year old taking care of a parent, though obviously a bit different as an adult.  Did your mom ever thank you?  It must have been quite terrifying to have your mom be so sick when you were younger too.  My mom almost died and I was in 3rd grade.  I remember being scared and confused and comforting my father while he cried

I am not sure what connections there are but sometimes, like you said, just writing them out helps.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow as you start your new adventure with your new job!  How exciting... and scary too.  I hate that feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop... it might but be confident that you will be able to handle everything even when the shoe stays put! 

Let us know how you do please. 

Hi Tsultan!

Thank you for sharing your memories. 

You are right, those aren't things I would ever even consider to ask of my children! They wouldn't put up with it either, to be honest. They have their own critical voice, and they will not hesitate to use it. That is something I never had/did during my childhood.

You had to cope with a lot of stress and anxiety, putting yourself on the back burner to take care of your mother. I can see how that dynamic would risk sipling into your interactions with other people. How do you cope with being around or helping other ill people now? I easily fall back into the same feelings of stress and anxiety when its my mother, but  I think I cope better when its other people.

Congratulations on the new job! I get the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop...I think that's a natural reaction. It doesn't mean there really is another shoe though. Stay focussed, and go for it! 

Libra.

Harri,  :hi:

How do I feel now? That is a huge mix of emotions:
- Shame for posting those memories. I know there are many lives out there that are a lot worse to live. It seems a futile luxury to be nit-picking these experiences when there is war, famine, violence, poverty. But then I am in a position where I do have the luxury to process, heal and improve, and I want to grasp it with both hands.

- Anger. Again. I thought I was past anger for these memories.
It is not the fact that I had to do those things. They are part of life. Sh*t happens, and you take care of it. I managed. Thinking back, I suspect I was way stressed and anxious, but I did not recognise those emotions back then. I just plodded on and did what I had to do. The anger comes from the fact that my mother took these actions for granted. It was 'normal' for me to do those things. No, she never said thank you. She never said well done. In fact, she would think back on those incidents for years afterwards, only to lament what permanent impact it all had on her, how it could all have been so different and better.

- Confusion. I still feel a lot of confusion, just as I did back then. In all those memories, my mother was leaning heavily on me for care and support. But she hated this. She hated being dependant, having to ask for help. There was a constant push-and-pull, and I couldn't make head nor tail of it. It never felt as if I was doing the right thing. I was too seflish, too stupid, too clumsy, too slow, too uncaring. It was never enough. I wasn't enough. Never ever enough.

Huh. I never had a boyfriend at that age Harri. My first boyfriend was DH - age 22. I never let anybody get close enough before that.

Linking these memories to a more recent memory I already posted here once: My mother, at my sons' birthday party with the familiy, 2 years or so ago. I was talking to S8's godmother about our annual holiday together over Easter, and I said I'd organise the trip, find some locations to suggest, etc. Out of the blue, my mother says: "Pfft...you, organize something? You can't even organize your own house. You can't manage anything!" I now see why that felt like a slap in the face. Talk about recognition and thankfulness. I know it was probably projection, but that doesn't make it easier to accept right now.

Age 7-8
I must have been ill for about a week. I suspect I stayed home and the doctor even came over, but I'm not sure. Sunday afternoon, I suddenly got a lot worse. They the on-call doctor comes to check on me. My appendix is on the brink of bursting. I have to be operated immediately.
When my mother recounts this memory, the 2 main story lines are:
- Because it was on a Sunday they had to drive for more than an hour, in the dark, to get to a hospital where they could operate. The undertone is always that my timing could have been better. Why get sick on a Sunday, right?
- When we got there, the anaesthesist asked whether I had eaten anything the last 12 hours. My parents checked with me. I answered "not that I remember", so they answered "no" to the anaesthesist. I started to throw up during the op. Apparently I had eaten half a Kit-Kat during the day. The anaesthesist was angry at my parents afterwards for the misinformation. My mum still blames me for the aneasthesist being angry at them, and for me not telling them I had eaten half a Kit-Kat during the day.

I remember being so happy at the hospital during revalidation. The nurses were all so kind. They kept praising me for being a sweet child that never complained. It made me feel warm and special.

Age 3-12
Switching schools was always a nightmare for me. Not understanding a word that was being said, being stared at, standing alone on a huge, unknown playground, not knowing what was being expected.
The first weeks, I would get physically ill on the way to school. I would be crying, pleading with my mother to please take me home. I would be shaking uncontrollably, and she would have to stop the car a few times so I could get out to throw up. My mother would ask me to stop making a fuss. The sooner I made an effort at school, the smoother it would go. My brother must have been beside me in the car. I don’t remember him ever complaining. He would be quiet.
When my mother tells stories about back then, she will always say what a nightmare it was for her to have to take me to school that way. How I would get all worked up, and how she had to have nerves of steel not to give in to me and to get me to school. Not once has she said that it must not have been easy for us children.

My uncle, my mother’s brother died of a brain tumor 2 years ago.
I visited him with my mother when he was in intensive care. His wife was revalidating in the same hospital after serious surgery and was not allowed to visit him. He was far gone. He did not recognize us. I sat next to him on the bed and chatted with him. He could still talk coherently. I held his hand to stop him trying to pull out the oxygen thing from his nose. My mum was standing as far from the bed as possible, arms crossed. All she kept asking him was whether he knew who she was. When the nurse came in to check on him, she told the nurse that he didn’t recognize her. When the nurse asked him whether he knew who was visiting, he said “Yes, my wife”. She nodded soothingly. My mother kept at it though: “No, I’m not your wife. You don’t know me, do you? I am not your wife. Who am I, do you know?”. She would not let off. My uncle got flustered. I suggested we left, which my mother was glad to do. I gave him a peck on the cheek and told him to take care of himself. Two days late he was gone.
It makes me angry that she couldn’t be there for her brother. She actually got him flustered and agitated. Why did it have to be about her again? Why couldn’t she soothe him, or even simply shut up?

I’m sorry. I’m venting.
I am struggling to truly accept the complete lack of empathy, compassion, feeling.

Good idea... it can be painful to remember, but it might be good to be able to start to release some of the memories somewhere...

~Age 4
My mom decided my 2 year old brother was such a “beautiful child” that he should be a model. I apparently didn’t fit the bill. I had to wear an eye patch bc of a lazy eye, so my nickname was “lazy eye”.

~Age 6
My mom enrolled me in ballet, because I really wanted to take a class. I was having fun and enjoying the class, right up until the recital. My mom said she could pick me out of the line up because I was a “not-very-graceful beanstalk”. I then quit ballet

~Age 9
I had to choose an instrument to play for school. I wanted to play drums, but I was told I “had no rhythm” by my mom. I played clarinet and hated it. 

~Age 10
I remember sitting at the top of the stairs in my PJs and my mom walked by. She made a comment about my “little mosquito bites” otherwise known as my breast buds.

~Age 12
My dad took me for a haircut, which was unusual because my mom usually took me to her friend. My bangs ended up shorter than usual and my mom made fun of them for days.

~Age 13
I got caught talking to a boy in my class. We were talking about, well, things 13 year olds talk about. And she read the conversation. I then got chased up the stairs with a hair brush and went into my closet to hide.

~Age 16
My mom found out that I was having sex with my boyfriend for 2 years. She raged at me, slamming doors and telling me I was probably already pregnant. I was on the pill and explained how it was very unlikely that it was true. She made me take 2 pregnancy tests and then we never talked about it again.

~ Age 17
I went to therapy for the first time for anxiety and depression. My mom goes in for the appointment and my dad is there too. I ask if my mom has considered therapy and she storms out crying and offended.

~Age 18
I chose a university that was not my mom’s first choice for me. She claimed I made the decision to spite her, and that I didn’t care about her.

~ Age 29
I am getting married this year and asked my omctwo things for her dress: 1. Not light or offwhite. 2.Not the same neckline as my wedding gown.  She sends me a picture of an offwhite sparkly gown with an illusion neckline that she “loves” and when I explain that it is what I asked her not to choose, I am accused of “wanting her to look bad”.

My uBPDm was always demanding and critical of me. I ( only child) would always go to help, even after I moved a 2 hour drive from them - my mother never thanked me, she always said that I owed it to them because of how much the helped me ( financially- helping to pay for university). It frustrated me but, I joked about it with my friends and would play her game. She usually used any ‘illness’ my Dad had to get my attention ( especially after I had kids and wasn’t at her beck and call). It got to the point 4 years ago where she started to give him morphine for ‘random’ pain he had. He was 83 years old, she wouldn’t take him to the doctor and would medicate him with old meds that she stockpiled. With the morphine, he was very confused, falling and incontinent. She definitely got my attention and I had to secure childcare for my 2 kids ( ages 8 and 6) while I went to take my Dad to hospital. I am a medical professional and caught on to her ‘ Munschausen’ type behaviour after speaking to the doctor at the hospital about her giving my father morphine. After he stabilized in hospital, I started the process of moving him out of her house. Currently he is 86 years old and frail but cognitively intact and he lives in a seniors lodge. No more medicating from my uBPDm and if he’s ill, the lodge will call me. He enjoys where he lives and the peace he has. It gives me the opportunity to visit him without my uBPDm around. We support each other about my uBPDm behaviour’s and treatment of us
 

Lots of tough memories here.  I am so sorry for all of you who experienced such painful events and treatment.

You are all doing a great job at looking at these memories and being willing to process them.  I do want to link you all to the Survivor to Thriver program (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331826.0) tacked to the top of the board as it may help some of you process these difficult memories and the associated emotions.

Harri,  :hi:  About the other shoe dropping.

it might but be confident that you will be able to handle everything even when the shoe stays put!

Thanks for the reminder it helped me settle into my confidence. 

My first two days went well.  The first day was a bit overwhelming.  A lot of paperwork to fill out and information to take in.  One day at a time.

I am going from the private sector to the public sector so the pace is a little slower and I hear it will take about 1 year to adjust.  I am used to a fast pace so this will be a welcome change in my life.  I am super excited and incredibly grateful that I will now have job security, as much as can be given to any employee in the current workforce culture.  That is a big relief and worry off my shoulder.

Thanks for the response and warm welcome to the board Harri. 

Tsultan

Libra,  this is the place to get the feelings out no need to apologize.  When we share our stories, we never know how another person is touched by it.  Thanks for your honesty.

I didn't have the critical insults that you experienced.  My experience was mostly neglect in an emotional sense.  I remember a time when my mother made me soft boiled eggs and toast for breakfast before I went to the babysitters in the morning before school.  I got thinking I wonder why I remember only that one time?  Because it didn't happen often that's why.  She was the product of an alcoholic father who raged and abused.  She could barely function herself.  She married my father who was a highly functional alcoholic who tapped out emotionally in the r/s.  My father was a good guy though.  Smart, talented and funny. 

How am I with other people?  I have made great strides with this.  It used to be an automatic response to just be the rescuer and caretaker of anyone, anything that needed to be rescued.  Today, I respond instead of react.  I mostly consider my own well being first.  I owe my recovery to Al-Anon a program that I have been involved in since my early 20's. 

Take care.

Hi :hi:

Thank you smokyquartz and Safe and Calm for feeling safe enough to share these memories. I hope it will help you in processing and letting go.

Maybe reading that others have had similar experiences will help us understand that these issues, however much they hurt us, are not about us at all.
They are about our parents and their issues.
They do not reflect anything about us, about who we truly are.



Libra.

Tsultan,

Emotional neglect is a hard thing to uncover. It is not easy to know you missed out on something if you’ve never had it.
My penny started to drop during the first Christmas eve party with DH’s extended family. I was stunned. So that’s how good, wholesome and nourishing a family get-together can truly be!

I think I’m at the point where I can recognize my inclination to react rather than respond. The mental willpower to stop myself and to give myself time space to turn it into a response isn’t always there yet. I’m working on it.

Thank you for sharing, Tsultan.

Libra.