BPDFamily.com

This post was split from the following thread as it merited its own discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333994.0

I know this is kind of off topic, but in reading these posts these relationships involve older people, in the 50s and 60s. I'm curious, where do people of this age meet other than online? I'm afraid of online / not sure I'm ready. Most times I think it's over for me (I'm 55), but then I read a post like Harbor's and I think: hmm maybe not. It would be so wonderful to have a travel partner, to not be alone.

Then comes the fear I'll attract another BPD which is terrifying. (left uBPDstbx after 24 yr marriage) I won't live through another one of those relationships.

RN just trying to understand WHY I did what I did /my part, and how to identify these BPD traits in a potential partner, and how to protect myself moving forward. Lots of the "warning signs" sound like romance to me- is that weird?  Also, a fear of intimacy doesn't indicate NPD or BPD- if PTSD exists, there will plenty of fears.

Namaste.

i think there are two questions here:

1. where/how to meet people as you get older
2. how to get past the fears of dating again

im afraid i wont be much help with the first one  but im hoping those with experience can chime in. in general, i believe if you want to catch good fish, youve gotta cast a wide net. make yourself available to meet lots of people, and different kinds of people, that kind of thing. im not super into online dating myself, but we should all recognize that increasingly, thats how people are doing it; its only one way, though.

what i do know is that its never too late to learn more about ourselves, how to make better choices, and how to open ourselves up to love.

identifying BPD, to me, is a pretty small part of the equation. one member here compared it to selecting fruit. you dont learn how to pick good fruit by just learning how to spot bad fruit.


i think you said it very well yourself. 30% of the population, at any given time, has some form of mental illness (about 10% a diagnosable personality disorder). they arent people to be afraid of. they might be difficult people who will challenge us. you need tools, and skills, to deal with difficult people. avoiding them entirely is unrealistic.

i digress, but to attract a quality person, you need the same thing...skills, tools, maturity. and vulnerability, along with it.

there are some people in this world with so much love to give, that will never give or receive it, because the fear of being hurt is even greater than that love.


can you give some examples?

Lots of the "warning signs" sound like romance to me- is that weird?
Haha...

Wanting to be with that person all the time
Opening up/Talking about everything
Passionate
Thinking about that person a lot
stuff like that

I have two friends my age who have remarried. They both used online dating, but restricted the geographical area. Both at first did double dating with another couple. It sounds odd for mature adults, but both said that it screened out some that were probably going to be not good. They of course did a lot of checking and took it slow.

And both are happy. Really!

Blows my mind, but they did well. One had been divorced for three years, and one had had been widowed for two. So both were in a good place with themselves.

 my (divorcing) mom, 50+ did ok with finding interested parties online

Anyway, my guess would be clubs, hobbies, volunteering. Shared interests and a "reliable way" to connect besides "dating" is the easiest way I think.

We often find love in school/work in our younger years precisely because of regular contact (we literally like people we see often regardless of attractiveness, look up "mere exposure effect") and common goals.

First thing I posted when I started considering my BPD relationship had ended was " should I be vigilant about BPD?". Its not unreasonable to be wary of going right back to the dysfunction, but now you know, you'll see things in a different light, just don't let it get in the way of new love   

So reach out! Be part of a community you're passionate about, your being happy and comfortable about it will definitely catch someone's attention.

As long as its mutual I don't see a problem, if the interest level feels mismatched then I'd raise the  yellow-flag

Hi, babyoctopus.  (Cute screen-name!)  Congrats on getting to the point where you're ready to talk about this stuff.  As someone in a longtime marriage, I can imagine how daunting this must feel.

I feel lucky to count a few older people among my friends, one of whom met his last romantic partner (who is someone I was also acquainted with) when he was in his late eighties and she was in her late seventies!  Unfortunately, has since passed, but since then she and I have become true friends, living proof that the capacity to form new and strong relationship bonds - friendship and romantic - lasts a lifespan.  They met in the retirement community where they both lived.  She was the newcomer.  Another acquaintance from that same community is on Cloud Nine this month because of a recent marriage to someone he met through an online dating site.  In other words, you've got some time to work this stuff out. 

When you are ready, I'd like to second what others are saying about getting out and participating in new things.  If you've been doing the same routine for a long time the world can start to feel small.  When you open things up by making a change to your routine, it opens new possibilities.  Also, I have at least a few over-fifty friends who've met their partners through online dating.  It is hit or miss.  But I've seen enough people find success with it to not write it off. 

How do you feel about taking your time with this?

Get busy with things you love and you will meet people with common interests and values. I often walk by the golf course and I rarely see any women playing golf. There are approximately 99 men for every woman I see playing golf.There are all kinds of activities that men enjoy, and the women that like and enjoy and do these activities, don't seem to have as much trouble meeting a man.