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I have a memory box that is full of pictures and papers. I decided to go digging a few nights ago. I came across documents that released me from the Army.

I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. I signed up for the Army. I got cold feet . My best friends dad guided me through how to get out of it. I would’ve been in combat and I would’ve been killing people, if not being killed myself. Combat + my childhood wouldn’t have been good.

My dad could care less but my mom bitched about not being included in the discussions between the recruiters and me. What could she do or say that would’ve made any kind of difference?

I wanted to join the military as a machinist . I was told that I could. I went to MEPS and was told that I would be on an Abrams team and that was my only option. I didn’t want to die in a tank, and I didn’t want to kill people from one.

My parents were of no help with advice. I finally talked to my best friends dad about it. I was released a few days later. The recruiters ridiculed me, but I was out.

Combat would’ve been very bad for me. I already have PTSD(C-PTSD).

My parents were of no help. My dad didn’t say a word. He just sat his fat ass in a chair. A boy needs his dad..

I’m lucky enough to be able to read and absorb. He did show me some things. How to change oil and replace break pads. How to shoot a gun. The basics of fishing. How to clean a gun and sharpen a knife with a stone.

I never felt love or appreciation from him. He was a narcissist. I only felt disappointment from him. He didn’t protect me.

A boy needs his dad. I’m here being my own dad now. Can anyone else relate?

Hi JNChell,  :hi:

Sometimes in the early part of my journey of healing and going to counseling, I began searching for clues too. I remember finding a box of letters that my uBPDm wrote to me while I was in college. I still remember that day when I opened up one to read. It triggered a lot of things for me, stirred up the pot of memories, what there were of them. Sometimes I try to place things in order and I can't. There are so many holes in what happened and when. I've asked my siblings, and they help a bit, but for them there are also gaps of memory. But I digress!

Let's talk about dads. They are pivitol to us, I believe. I'm sorry to hear that your dad wasn't the kind of dad you needed. So many don't realize the important role they have. I think you do though, and like me, I think you are changing that role and have made a choice to do it differently and better. I also made that choice as a parent. I watch how DH has not stepped into his role with our children very well, and there were so many opportunities lost, hurt hearts left in the wake of his choices and behaviors with all 3 of our children. He still has time to repair the lost opportunities, time to apologize and offer healing. In the meantime, like we do here, they are seeking healing for themselves, knowing that even while they wish things had been different with their dad, they are choosing to work on themselves since they can't change him.

As you view these memories of your dad, they're offering a chance to look at them from a different point of view now that you are a dad, and you'll begin to fit them into your life from a different place, one that sees much more clearly and doesn't offer excuses for him. Keep going. You are doing well.

 
Wools

Some things I have learned is that the relationships with our parents are important to us, it affects us a lot. But, we can also replace those relationships with other people, in different ages. It will probably not be exactly the same, but we can adopt other people a bit, like your friend´s dad. And in turn you could help him out with other things, be there for him when needed, both emotionally and with practical things. I have now several "mothers", not as close as a mother-daughter relationship, but closer than with my own mom, and they mean a lot because they care and you don´t have to be afraid about their behavior in the same way. I feel more positive feelings for my mother in law than my mother, I´d rather turn to my mother in law if there was a crisis. Try to make new valuable relationships, maybe in unexpected places, and enjoy the peace in them. You have the power to create these relationship and many would appreciate it, if not, turn to the next one. Even asking to volunteer as company at a seniors home could be an option.

I think that we can benefit from accepting that the relationship with our parents wont be what we want. We can´t change them so why bother trying too much. It is not our fault and we can´t do a lot about it. All we can really do is taking care of ourselves and people who want our love and attention. I have two parents and two stepparents who fit in this category more or less. We can still love them for the positive things they have contributed to us, like dna and care, the things they taught us, but we don´t need to accept their bad behavior.

We can also learn by other peoples´ mistakes and be better parents than our own. In that way we can in some ways win over our parents, by doing a better job than they did.

I´m glad you did not go in to the military. It´s no fun to be mocked, but I´m sure it was a price worth paying.

Hi JNChell. 

Yes, as you know, I can relate.  I am sorry he did not give you the love, protection, acceptance and knowledge he should have given to the lovable and deserving little boy you were and that you are grieving this loss as the man you are.  Instead he gave you horrible abuse and damaging messages that still haunt you.   

Can you see how you have succeeded in fathering yourself and learning the things you need to know to be the man and the parent you are today?  I don't mean talking about what you think you need to work on, but rather some of the successes you have had, the positive changes you have made.  I am not asking this to get you out of the sadness as that all needs to be processed and is very very real.  Rather I am wondering if you can find an anchor... something you have worked on and succeed at in spite of everything that you can hold onto while in this trench of sadness... so you can see just how capable you are and that you will be successful.

If you can't right now or don't want to, that's okay too.

I'm here and I can listen.   

Wools, thank you. I hope you’re ok.

Harri. I love your approach. I’m not being sarcastic. I get it. I’m getting there. I’m not being sarcastic towards you. I know what you’re saying.

Sorry. I can see it at times.

I’ve been having some bad dreams. Melatonin doesn’t help. That causes some wild stuff when it’s time to sleep. Right now, I’m wondering about you.

The possibility of you being sarcastic never would have entered my head if you hadn't mentioned it.   

I am doing very well thanks.  Lets stay on you though.  What going on?  Do you know what is causing the dreams?

Repressed memories, I imagine. I talked about this with my T.

The dreams happen. I can’t control them. Maybe it’s because of where I’m at. I don’t know.

Good, I am glad you talked with your T.  

Hang in there.     You will get through this though I know it is tough.

I have a lot to say, but I won’t. It is what it is.

JNChell, if you have stuff to say say it.  What is is but you can't keep everything bottled up inside.