BPDFamily.com

Hello all, sorry for re-writing this post but I realize that my previous one was written in a rush and I'd love the moderators to eliminate the older post if possible.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334611.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334611.0)

I have met my BPD Ex in November and he was the most perfect person I've ever met, he courted me with the most romantic gestures and made me feel like a queen... I was resisting a bit...but I gave into him, I kissed him after 3 weeks of dating.
After our first kiss he started pushing me away for no good reason - with crazy paranoias...I admit I was playing the mysterious girl and did not want to give him my real name, but just because I was taking my time to get to know him better...and I did not want him to know my real name as my previous ex only dated me for my money and my local "fame" - that info is available to anyone online.

After some days of silence he sent me a text saying " We will never see each other again - I know what people like you do to people like me" - I went back to him and begged him to give the relationship a chance, that I was playing mysterious as I was scared of him entering my life.

After few weeks of honeymoon he invited me to move into his house - Everything seemed to be going great, he introduced me to all his family and friends as the perfect woman, the angel on earth to save him - his eyes were filled with a spark of adoration.
He kept making plans for the future, he kept saying we were meant to be together, that we were created by the same "matrix" and to be honest with you we would be so attuned to each other that sometimes we would say the same thing at the same time. It was like a match made in heaven.

On my end I did everything to make him feel all my love and support:  found him a job, talked to his parents about future plans, cooked for him, cleaned his house, supported his goals...and so on.. anything someone in love would do... I also lend him money for a lawyer.

I have to admit tho that thinking back now as I write there were episodes where he would snap at me for no reason, and I remember the feeling of constantly having to walk on eggshells around him. I also remember sending him a text in the first month of relationship saying "why do you always treat me like your enemy, every time we get close you push me away as if I'm a disease - I'm not your enemy, why do you always fight me? I don't know how to behave around you and you leave me speechless when you are so severe with me, I remain astonished and silent"

Then he would come to me and tell me he's just angry with himself and that he's super lucky to have me in his life - that I'm the ideal of what a real woman should be.

On the first of January we were having unprotected sex and all of a sudden he decided to ejaculate inside me without my consent. I initially didn't link it to the Borderline behaviour but now I'm understanding ... I got pregnant and had to have an abortion with pills.
I purchased a pregnancy test and took it in the bathroom, behind closed door as I was shy of him seeing me pee. I asked him to read the test for me - it was positive.
I went to have an abortion alone with a pill - and then I went to his house to recover. I started bleeding there and he was the most loving person ever. Held me and helped me through it.

3 months in this fairytale relationship I discovered he does cocaine and I discovered that he started to initiate contact with a girl which he seemed infatuated with... as a friend ...he said.
But when he described her to me he had the same spark of adoration I saw in his eyes when he was looking at me in the beginning. I told him I didn't want him to see this girl, he agreed.
She is a tattoo artist (more details to follow).

I also noticed him using dating apps - I asked him why?
And he said that "if things would not go well with you at least I would have a plan B..." that he was so scared of our relationship not working out - then he deleted the dating app and I forgave him.

A week later, I fainted while I was home alone and he was out with friends - he came home and found me on the floor with blood on my nose - He helped me... but his eyes were strange. After recovering from my fainting episode, I looked better in his eyes and he looked high. I asked him what he did and he said he had done cocaine again. I told him that it was crazy and I did not want anything to do with it.

Two days after ... he said to me he doesn't love me anymore because I'm a manipulative monster and I manipulated him to love me... all of a sudden for no apparent reason he started having a splitting episode... the most hurtful thing he said to me was " I wouldn't even take a glass of water from you as I fear you would have put poison in it " - then he said to me that my fainting was not true and that the blood on my nose was nothing but blood from my period - he told me that he has not met any of my friends so this means I'm hiding something from him (but he actually met 3 of my friends)... Also he told me that the abortion and the pregnancy were fake.
I told him that we took the test together, he said that since I did not pee in front of him he didn't believe me...
I did not know he was Borderline then ...so I reacted to his provocation and the situation escalated in a 7 hours fight - I kept asking him to give me a chance to prove him that I was not a liar and he said "it's too late now"  I begged and begged until he pushed me on the floor. I had bruises for a week.

The day after I packed my suitcase and left his house in shock- I haven't seen him since (21 days) I had some contacts to ask him the money he borrowed for the lawyer back...which he gave me.
Then I blocked him on all fronts. Blocked all his contacts everywhere as I started documenting myself on borderline. Then I unblocked him in the hope he would contact me... but he doesn't.

Now he's acting super weird - he said that I'm the devil and will never come back to me but he's started posting photos online that I took of him, in happy moments together - in the photos there is only him. For example a photo of himafter we had sex, a photo of him serenading me with his guitar etc...  

Also I discovered that he is now seeing the tattoo girl and ... he got a tattoo from her - we had discussed that getting a tattoo from her would be out of question. And he did it ! Not even 5 days after leaving me.

Not that it matters, but his mother has mental illness and has abandoned the family when he was a teenager - then she lived homeless for 20 years. He is in total denial of his problem and refuses to admit he has a problem. Once we were talking on the phone about our faults and he said " I made no errors with you ever " ( and I was wondering if he even remembers he pushed me on the floor)

I also spoke to his best friend about this - his best friend did not believe me...his best friend also enables him, they do cocaine together, so he must be happy that I'm out of the picture now.

After closing all contacts, last week I failed and send him an email about a dream I had - but he deleted the email right away and kind of blocked me again.

Anyway - I read many many many articles on borderlines by now and I consider myself an intelligent human being, but despite my awareness of his problem and despite my head tells me to get over it... I wake up everyday feeling in so much pain.

I am convinced I'll never find anyone like him, I never had such intimacy with anyone and never opened myself up this much - he reminded me of my childhood somehow and made me feel home. I miss him incredibly.

I joined a gym and I'm going everyday. I run and sweat and try to sweat this obsession out of me, but it's so hard.

Why am I writing here?
I guess I would love your advice - some times I feel like trying to win him back - but he gives me no hopes. To him I am the devil.
Other times I say to myself that a relationship with him would be a nightmare and I will only suffer more.

Can someone help me understand:
what's happening to me?
why I'm obsessed with someone who hurt me?
what's happening to him?
what to do in case I want to win him back?
what's my best behaviour?
what to do in case I want to forget him forever?
how do i get him out of my head and stop this pain?
will getting him back make me happy?
why is he putting all the photos I took of him on his instagram?

I am so confused

Also - would he feel jealousy if he saw me with another guy ?
Or would it make the situation worse?