BPDFamily.com

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334615.0#lastPost

I got another phone call from my undx wife last evening.

So she calls me yesterday evening after I got home from work, to 'inform me' of a few things, (1.) she is trying to purchase another home, in the next town, wanted to know what I thought, and (2.) to tell me she has told her mum (MIL) that is would be alright if mum traded in the grand cherokee (jeep) we "gave" her a few years ago on a new pickup, along with the honda her recently deceased husband#2 had left her (another long story)… uBPDw's foo sister #1 works at the Toyota dealer up the road… she has long been involved in "acquiring" new/used vehicles for the family (foo)… so a deal was obviously struck… my wife wanted to know "if it is alright with you" if mum does this,  like I have any say, and we did "give" mum-MIL that jeep…

I really don't care (no control over), as far as uBPDw purchasing another home… (?), she says… "well, if I chooses to "stay" with you Red, and we "save" our marriage… later on, then it would be a source of rental income for us… "but I have to get out of this place, due to mold issues(?)"... she wanted me to look at it on Zillow, and tell her what I thought… and, that I may have to "co-sign" as we are indeed still married, only separated(?)…

I told her sometime during the over two-hour long conversation… "do what you feel you must, and I will support you in whatever capacity that you allow me… but to be honest "Q", you have a house right here, your name is on the mortgage, why don't you just come back home(!)"… I would like to talk about this as a possibility with you”.

*Her two adult children and their spouses are coming to see her on her birthday (May)… there is a logistical push here… to be resettled yet again somewhere when they all come to visit, just as in last Christmas, when her son came down, she was in a rush to get resettled after she moved out…

That's when she started in on me… I call this "awfulizing"… its basically projection imho… so she changed gears from jeeps and real-estate, to tearing down Red5… this is what she does… its been going on for years… she continued to engage in (total) re-writing of the history, from the events of November, ALL the way back to our initial period of dating (2007-2010)… and she even told me "now don't you rewrite history Red"... for good measure… even as she was doing it… after I let slip, “that’s not how I remember that”…

She kept saying… she said "I don't want to fight"… even as she continued to "scold me"... I said, when I was allowed to say two or three words… "neither do I", and "I'm listening "Q"… this is a new tool I use, instead of "engaging" and JADE'ing… which I did for years (very bad), resultant in many a knock down drag out fight(s)… now, I just listen… and I say it… "I'm listening"… and I try my best to use the tools spoken of here on this website…

Yes, last night, it went on for two hours… I was "basted" yet again… as I was the other week, the last long phone call we had… I did pretty good, imho that time too… I just listened to her… let her get it all out…

To me… the projecting, the verbal dressing down, is like (please pardon)… it’s like they are vomiting all their "bad" internal "stuff" out and onto to you, that's what it’s come to feel like… yuk, not fun, but you don't dare say anything back (JADE)… there is no reasoning here, not when she is at this level of dysregulation, so I don't make things worse, best to "metaphorically" go and get her a nice warm clean wash cloth (validation)… and stay there in the moment with her, don't run, don't fight, just "be there with her".

So I picked out few things that I could use to validate her, .. when I was able to get a word in "edge-wise"… otherwise I stared off into space, and watched the news with the volume turned down .. as she went on and on… as we were on the phone.

There was a time, not too many months, years ago… that this would have crushed me (fear), and then driven me to hot anger (fight)… but now I just do my best, to "not take it personally"… I'm getting better and better at it.

She seems to have a mental list of wrongs I've done to her, it’s a long list… which she meticulously goes down each time (she is an accountant by career)… of course, it’s all my fault, each and every item… I get all the blame for the most part… and now I just absorb it, all of it… and I try to use validation, and the SET tool as I can.

It’s just words… she did say, "I can’t see you right now, I'm afraid we will fight"… which I agreed with her, and I said, "we're not fighting right now are we"… she said "no we are not Red", which she said felt strange to her (!) hmmm,

I said, to her, well, one day, if we are face to face, (its been since 30 November that I've laid eyes upon her)… "if we are face to face, that would be a good test wouldn't it"… she agreed, and said, that she is too weak to fight with me or "for me" anymore (cancer dx)… and that she has to "think about her health."
… yes, she really let me have it again last night… and I think I did good, by not being drawn into any kind of "match" with her… so have I really changed, in the last four months or so… since she moved out, that I can actually "take" her verbal "lamentation" of me, and emotional "beatings" over the phone now, and not react; act out... as I once did?… hmmm, I would hope so !

She however did say a few things that struck me…

* "I know I have a bad temper, and sometimes I cannot control it, and it’s getting worse".

* "my family means well, but they still aggravate me".

* "I love my mom, but she drives me crazy".

* "I know I love you, I just can't say it right now".

* "I don't trust you, I don't want to fight anymore".

So, to have her "scold" me, as she is so good at doing, for over two hours, and then to come out with that… … what do I do with that (BPD)?

… “an uncontrollable bad temper that's getting worse”?

Does a Bear $hit in the woods!… she's been like this her entire life, since she was a little girl, since she was a teenager, all through her first marriage… all through our relationship, and marriage… as confirmed by foo family, and her two adult children (and me)… so I'm no different, I just had the nutts to stand up to her… (?).

… she said... she just called "to check on me" as there was so much bad news this week, our dog passing, my co-worker, and Great Aunt… and she "just wanted" to inform me of my old jeep being sold off on the action block, for mum… and that I may need to help her buy this house… well, there you go!
That of course makes the two hour long dressing down, and "explications" of my many short comings and failures justified?… but she "has a bad temper she can’t control, and that is getting worse”… and “she loves me, but just can tell me that she loves me”?

One day at a time… small steps, it’s a marathon, not a sprint… "steady as she goes"… got to be ever more mindful, she is who she is, and she has shown me, as well told me just exactly whom she is… "I got the answers to the test here"… so continue to learn the tools, use the tools, don't take any of the projections personally… it’s just words, at least until it’s not… ~> boundaries.

The key is to me, when she does this, is initially to use a little tool I have of my own (mindfulness)… I call it SLED…

So SLED…

*S= Stop!… ~> don't make things any worse, don't react, mouth shut!

*L= Listen!… ~> means just what it says, listen to her!… her feelings are facts to her, and her feelings matter, they have merit, so listen to her.

*E= Engage!… ~> in mindful thought processes, ie', assess what is actually happening, exude empathy, remain with her in her moment, don't run away.

*D= Defend!… ~> defend her to herself, help her, validate her, defend the marriage (relationship), she is crying for help, she is struggling to process… don't invalidate her with a hasty and ill-advised defensive posture… absorb, recycle back to STOP! as required.

Yes, acronym "SLED"… it's mine, it is 'homemade', maybe a bit silly (?)... but it helps me when the very first spark of a flare up ignites… it’s the first response tool for me…

From there (SLED) I can then "mindfully"… cognitively, and in a “collected” manner; find my way, in my own head… in order to effectively transition, and to engage / use the tools as presented here.

"S" is for STOP !

It was quite a night… I told her, “it’s good to hear your voice, I miss you, and I love you “Q”… “thank you for calling me”…

And that was that… over two hours !

She is a bonehead, she is stubborn, and ornery, a total pain in the @ss… but I love her!

Thanks for listening,

Red5

This is hard work you're doing. Being able to practice listening and not reacting is invaluable... and I like that you've done the work of coming up with your own SLED technique. There are other techniques & tools (and challenges!) you'll face moving forward, but this is a good start.

It seemed like a lot of the triggers in your relationship were around your wife cohabitation with your son. It seems like you're starting to get along better while being separated. Have you considered moving toward a reconciliation that doesn't involve living together?

Red, you are doing much better. Its a little like letting someone with a lot of pend up anger punch out the Heavy Bag in the gym.

Red, if it helps, this is not necessary "BPD pathology".  This is resentment built up over years that is flowing out. It is testing the waters to see if anything has changed. It's probing the possibility to come home.

This is how it is when a relationship gets to Stage 4.  Take a minute to read this... its a roadmap of where you both were just a few weeks ago:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down


Write this on your mirror... "Play the long game".  And underneath it write, "Don't set yourself up to be a doormat"

What does that mean?  

In short:

 |---> listen (which you are doing now; wow!)
 |---> don't invalidate (that's right, this is more important than validation right now)
 |---> don't trigger on anything - be strong as a rock  (you are doing now; fantaststic!)
 |---> highlight her positive statements but don't overstep or overstate. Example, she is saying "if we get together" - stay in that realm, don't amp it up to "just move home".  Don't get over your skis.
 |---> take her up on things that connect - like looking at the house. Don't fight it, but use that together time to slowly seed the reality of a couple owning two homes/two mortgages, etc. Lightly explore your thoughts on remodeling your place "for you" and asking her help.
 |---> Don't validate significant things that will come to haunt you later - its OK to remain silent on things or if pushed to say you want to thing about it and restate her reasons/thinking to be sure you have it correct.
 |---> Buy her a little something sweet. Not big enough to create guilt or obligation. An orchid plant or something.

Does this help?

I really thing posting what was said and how you reacted exactly will help... let people coach you through how you could have done it better so you have that knowledge for the next discussion.

So I ran into my wife downtown the other day... first time I’d seen her since she moved out, 1 December... wow...

Will write more later, boarding a plane right now...

Red5