BPDFamily.com

Today 3/15, Hello everyone...

I hate coming here sometimes, I try to escape what is going on in reality.  Sometimes it's therapeutic and others, I get shaky and need to confront stuff.

This morning from nowhere, B texts me good morning at almost 5:00am, I didn't see it until about 8am and wasn't sure if I was reading it right.

She hasn't initiated contact in a while, maybe two weeks, I always do and sometimes she responds, sometimes not.

I text back, simple good morning and she says she woke up early. Simple texts back like it was nice to see the text and have a good day, it's so nice here in the NY metro area.  Simple text back, thank you, you too.  I call her and she picks up, she hasn't picked up in almost a week, she sounds angry and she's going to the dentist, almost annoyed she picked up.  Simple texts of how was the dentist, ok, no problem, I say good, glad to hear. No response, wasn't expecting one.

 I don't know what to make of it.

On a separate note, the last few days, I haven't been able to relax, high anxiety and stress with how she seems to be slowly not interacting by text and not picking up my calls.

Not sleeping well and having crappy, moody days at work (very stressful and angry place), I have been relying on zanax at times and don't want to.

Many things working on me today, tossing and turning, ate too late and very strange half sleeping dreams about B (like confronting my fears about her new guy), work situation (sh$t), finding a new therapist, popping up tomorrow morning with flowers at her job before I go to work on Sat...do/don't...do/don't...been there already, will do.

On my 1.15hr comute, radio off this morning, perplexed with the text from B so early and she initiated...perplexing...

I start my little shaking when I start my "thinking"-ruminating.  I want so badly to have a calm day and no repeat of the last few, Friday can be bad at work and I think (project) Friday and Saturday is date night, not for me... M*th**fu**er!

I start trying to categorize why I'm starting to shake, what feeling am I feeling exactly.  I talk out loud, ask myself questions:

Conclusions...

1) Fear, what am I afraid of...I'm afraid of losing her forever.  I see my love and the fear and ...I believe she is my fear and the shaking subsides...what the heck, I start relaxing...B is my fear.

2) Hurt.  Feeling left out of her and son's life, junior prom tonight and I'm happy for him.

3) Stress, anxiety.  Work, B in general, eventually seeing her or it getting worse.

After thinking and talking out loud about the fear, I calmed down a bit.  I need to start doing something proactive, start exercising, meeting friends and family.  Yes, down the road, not much sleep and overly focused on the now with B.  Work early, back to Aunt's sit for an hour and try to sleep after texting B good night and "trying not to want a response".

I'm just forcing myself to write it out, I don't want to today, I'm close to triggering myself and I have 6 hours to go...No breaks for the weary.

Just ordered flowers to pick up tonight to drive 60 miles there and 20 to work in the morning, just to see her face...I haven't seen her in over a week I think, I have trouble with the blur of days and time here and there.

Any foresight into what or why the strange early text (If I heard it, I would have called and texted and been like a little happy puppy for some attention and overreacted with 100X's more to her) I'm glad I didn't hear it I think.  

Sand2015,

I understand your anxiety and understand your actions in pursuit of a better resolution. I'm not a professional therapist. The most I've had was a year and a half of psychology. But I grew up with real life people and their demons. After time you get to see what works. Mankind has dealt with these problems before, but what we have now is a vastly better communication and recording system.

Sometimes the old ways are the best ways i.e. tough love, cold turkey, biting your tongue and looking out for number one as an example. The trick is how to use the vast multitude of ideas to your advantage, because there is no one formula. Placating their behavior sometimes exacerbates the problem. Like telling them continue being a evil person, I won't hold you responsible and there's no consequences.

The fear, stress, anxiety and hurt I felt and received was only one sided. The person causing it was not suffering, which is not right. We learn from mistakes by the consequences of our actions and thoughts. And the best way I've learned to handle it, if it made me co-dependent and/or not able to care for my basic needs. This also means emotional needs. A relationship is equal process. 

It is hard to fight the pain at times and that is why we need something that we can do to occupy that time. Find a hobby or interest to devote your time as to not focus on the hurt and anxiety.

Stay strong.