BPDFamily.com

For those of you who have successfully left their spouse with BPD... who have kids together... how did you know, really KNOW that you could get away?

I've left (or been kicked out) so many times over the years... and I've always gone back after a day. I'm entering my second day away (don't laugh! this is big for me!) and this time feels different. I wanted to see the kids today and she of course got the kids on the phone to guilt me back into the house... but I just can't! I can't recycle yet AGAIN! Not when I'll just be in the same position a few days/weeks from now.

So... for those of you with the experience... how did you know you could DO this? I'm missing my kids so much, I can feel my heart physically ACHING! I hate being away from them... I hate leaving them with her... I hate that she's filling their heads with poison about me... They are S11 and D9.

I can only hope that I can rebuild my relationship with them... but I simply cannot keep going like this. I have to be strong for their sake and stay away... I can only hope that they understand at some level... or will someday.

I am on the verge of bursting into tears at any moment. I don't know if I have the strength, but I feel it is now or never.

Hi starkwell,

I'm so sorry that you're going through this you must be feeling a lot of mixed emotions right now.


I look at a break up this way break ups consist of several break ups until it's the final break-up I knew that when my exuBPDw left me that this was my chance to close the door for good. We separated several times and threatened divorce many times but she crossed a line when she had an affair that was enough to dissolve the marriage.


You're the only one that can answer that question.



What do you mean by this? Are you feeling guilty because you couldn't keep the family together? Are you planning on leaving them behind? Have you thought about shared custody? There is a good and bad with shared custody. The good part with shared custody is that you're pwBPD is not getting most of the attention you're giving the attention to the kids, I was a hands off dad when I was married but since I've been a single parent I've really enjoyed it, I feel like I have good r/s's with the kids.

Hey starkwell, I understand your quandary.  Like you, I missed my kids terribly when my Ex and I separated.  Yet I never seriously considered going back, due to all the abuse I had suffered at the hands of my BPDxW.  I went through plenty of break-up make-up cycles but finally reached the end of my inner resources and had nothing left in the tank.  I had no choice but to bail out.  That may sound melodramatic, yet I was on a self-destructive course.

LuckyJim

It was hard, it took a long time.  The first time I tried to leave was August of 2016...I had known for a long time that I should leave, and needed to leave, but I didn't want to.  Then one day after a fight, it was like a switch flipped in me and I was like, I'm done.  I actually wanted to be done, not just knew I needed to be.  Our D5 was only 2.5 at the time, so that was really hard, but I wanted to give her a better life and better examples. 

But he saw the change in me before I could talk to him about it, and he confronted me.  I told him yes I was done and going to file for divorce.  He begged and begged for another chance, he would change, blah blah.  I didn't want to, but it was the first time we had spoken seriously about it, and I felt I owed it to our daughter to give him another chance.  Over the next year, I would decide at least 8 more times that I was done and I wanted to leave, but he could always tell before I could get the guts to tell him, and every time he talked me into giving him more chances.

Finally in the summer of 2017 I decided I was done again, but really meant it this time.  I tried my best to hide my feelings so he couldn't cut me off at the pass again, because I needed to make it another few months till after our family vacation that was already booked and paid for.  Two weeks prior to the trip, we got into a huge fight, and he basically forced me into saying I was done.  I wasn't ready to be done right then, but I could not bring myself to say it's ok, we'll be alright.  But being forced into it, I wasn't ready and it hurt so badly.   We separated but seeing our D5 get excited every time she thought daddy was home, and then that hurt look on her face when she realized it was not him, just about killed me.  He wasn't a good dad, and they aren't close, but your kids love you no matter what...at least until they're old enough to know better.  Taking her dad from her absolutely broke my heart.

We reconciled a few months later, but he quickly showed his true colors again.  I went back and forth for a few months, but finally, I thought...if telling him a few years ago didn't change his behavior, and actually being separated and now back in the house didn't change his behavior, nothing will, ever.  So around May of 2018 I knew I needed to end it again and for good, but I was waiting to feel I was ready...to feel that undeniable knowledge that this was it.  One day while reading comments on my post on this site, someone gave it to me straight and said I owed it to my daughter to get her the hell out of this situation (my ex-h was physically abusive to me and was starting to show red flags of moving on to D5) and she told me I was the only one my D5 had to protect her and I needed to get out now. 

That was a Friday.  I picked up the phone and asked my dad if he could take my D5 that following Monday, overnight if needed, because I was going to end things once and for all with him.  My dad knew I had been contemplating and that we had separated the year before.  That Monday I felt sick all day, I have no idea how he didn't know it was coming, or maybe he did but it wasn't enough time for him to react.  I pretty much told him within an hour of him getting home.  He moved out that day and our divorce was final six months later.  I KNEW it was done, without a doubt I knew it was time and that I would stick to it this time.  And I felt great. 

Of course my situation is different because I have my D5 with me and I am the custodial parent.  I can't imagine how hard it must be to be away from your kids, and worrying about the damage she is doing to them.  But going back to her and staying with her is not going to help them in the long run.  Kids are smart, they know what's going on.  My mom didn't have BPD, but she had a lot of other emotional and mental issues.  She tried to make my dad out to be the bad guy, but we knew. the real story.  We knew who was there for us, who supported us, who never talked trash about the other one, who wanted the best for us. 

My dad stayed with my mom because 30-35 years ago, as the dad he didn't stand a chance of getting custody and was too scared to leave us with her so much.  Courts do still favor the mother today, but if you can show that it is not in their best interest, you absolutely can fight to get sole physical custody at the least.  And once you get a lawyer involved and file, they will issue a temporary custody order which will then be decided on permanently later.  Just because you left doesn't mean you can't see them.  They are your kids too.  I voluntarily gave my ex-H time with our D5 even before I filed, but it was mostly because he was living with his parents so I knew our D5 was safe with him because she was with his parents the majority of the time. 

So there is no reason you should not see your kids, and while it may be hard for a while for them to understand what's going on, and not be hurt if she tries to claim you abandoned them or something...just stay consistent and fight for what's best for them.  They will quickly see who has their best interest in mind, and who is protecting them, even if they're with her most of the time.  Good luck to you!