BPDFamily.com

Hello Everyone,
I finally got a court order for coparenting counseling, I could use help with the following items that exBPD will use against me.
1.  She is always trying to find out items about my personal life, who I'm dating etc.  ExBPD and I entered a mutual agreement of when my son is out of either of ours supervision that we would inform each other of the person's name, contact, etc.  She will bring this up in coparetning counseling and my response will be
"as per our agreement I will inform you if someone else is watching our son, there is also no other occupants of my house, if anything changes I will always let you know"
I feel if I am dating someone and they don't have access to my son or live with me than I shouldn't have to disclose that type of information
2.  ExBPD always ask the same questions over and over again, even when my attorney sends hers a letter with emails stating the items in question.  She now uses that she is going to bring my "lack of communication" to the attention of the counselor.  I only say things once and its always via email, I have repeatedly told her to reread email dated xyz.  How should I answer this?
3.  How should I answer the crazy making allegations and twisting the truth.  For instance our court order states that we need to inform each other of our  current addresses.  About a year or so ago she found out that I was in the process of buying a house closer to her's.  The court order states "CURRENT" so I ignored her for the most part except that I informed her of when I do move into the new house officially I will let her know.  She will try to bring up the fact that I don't want to communicate when I don't answer questions in the court order.

Any other tips would be greatly appreciated.

All of this is really under an umbrella topic of what she is or is not entitled to know and how you choose to communicate it (email), correct? Can the copywriting counselor help with that bigger topic?

Yes it's always via email.  I believe a lot of questions she will be asking are more legal questions meant for the court.  My attorney tells me just to follow the court order and I will be fine.

Your ex is going to go into this trying to get the counselor to say that you are completely wrong about everything and should do things her way.  Just because she believes this doesn't mean she's right, and if the counselor is any good, they'll see right through it.

Your job is to be reasonable.  You know that nothing is going to change as a result of this counseling - it's just more documentation for the court to show that she is incapable of coparenting and having reasonable expectations.

You may have to agree to small changes - emailing her a second time, or something like that, but you really aren't doing anything wrong.

@ WorriedStepmom, you gave me some good advice, "to be reasonable" I was thinking of some ways to counter act what she might say.  For instance exBPD hates when I use ROFR and says I wait until the day before to tell her.  If this gets brought up I may just say I will give you at least 48 hours in advance of ROFR.  EXBPD is extremely good at manipulating her way to get things so I will fall back on the court order if I feel she's pushing too hard.

Keep your view 30,000 feet above ground. Emotional volatility focuses things an inch above the ground, where your ex's BPD takes her. One of the things that happens to us in these relationships is that we let ourselves get pulled down to the ground. Stay zoomed out.

Job #1 in coparenting counseling is to respond, not react. No matter what she brings up, take a deep breath. Get grounded. Keep your emotions under control and remind her as gently as possible that you are following the court order.

You, because you are not BPD, will have an easier time asking for input and direction. "Counselor, how do you recommend I respond to this request?"

Show that you are open to learning new ways of communicating so things are best they can be for your D.

If you stay cool and keep things as even keeled as possible, what is more likely to happen is that the counselor will try to redirect your ex's complaints, and when that doesn't work, your ex will turn her anger toward the counselor, who she perceives is ganging up on her.

"I can tell this is really painful and frustrating for you. I have had to learn how to let go, too, and trust that D is in good care when she isn't with me. It's natural to be concerned. I also have to build my own life and having privacy is part of that. Let's see if the counselor has some suggestions on how we can come up with something workable without breaching the custody order."

@LivedNLearned, thanks you always offer really good advice of these issues.  I am going to be firm about sticking to the court order.  ExBPD does not like ROFR however we both mutually agreed on it so we have to adhere to it until the next custody modification.

Just wanted to add one more thing to this thread.  ExBPD keeps saying I don't want to communicate because I don't answer emails that doesn't involve questions.  For instance I just received an email rant and raving about XYZ and in the entire body of the email, has no questions.  Any ideas on how to handle this during counseling.

I would let the counselor know exactly what you wrote here. That you look to see if there are any questions about your child, and when there isn't, you figure it's best treat it as a discharge of intense emotions. That your goal is to not engage because your experience is that it doesn't seem to change the outcome.

I think you have gotten excellent advice here.

Some of your questions remind me of my "attitude", "goal" or "orientation" in my early attempts at counseling with a pwBPD.

I erroneously thought counseling was about figuring out who was right...or the "right" answer.

While you don't explicitly say that is your goal, I pick up that as a "vibe" from you.  Does that ring true for you as you examine your goals?

Step back (30k foot view..whatever analogy you want to use) and realize you both have very different goals.

Keep your focus on what is best for your child.  Generally speaking, less drama in the relationship between you and the Mom helps that.  Debates about "what you want" or "what your email means" (or lack of email) serve little purpose other than to fuel drama, which pwBPD generally crave.

The less you can participate in that..the better.

More breathing and pauses before responses..the better.

Be a listener and learner. 

"I'm getting the idea what is being communicated is really important to (pwBPD).  I don't understand how this relates to care for our daughter. Can you help me understand better?"

pause and listen..

FF

This is very good that you stated that this way.  My goal is to end the worthless emails about ranting and raving and to actually co parent.

"I'm getting the idea what is being communicated is really important to (pwBPD).  I don't understand how this relates to care for our daughter. Can you help me understand better?"

Consistent application of a strategy to not engage on the ridiculous emails will lessen them, but it's unlikely they ever go away.

You don't control what she sends (I get it you would like to..)

You do control how you react or respond.  (hint..breathe...then respond...don't react)

FF

That sounds like engaging her. I can see how that might be a path forward if you're married and want to keep the channels open. . If you are divorced and want to cut down on hostile emails, that strategy might keep her engaged. What is the likelihood she would try to help regulate herself and respond in less reactive way?

It seems your best options are to either not respond or to cherry pick the part that is about your daughter and only respond to that.