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Title: Need HELP with unemployed BPD Post by: Copycat2018 on March 20, 2019, 02:53:45 PM Hello,
I need advice. My H BPD has not had a job for many many years. I tell him time to time to look for a job but he told me he does not want to be mistreated like i am at my job. No job is perfect but i am not mistreated, it is just regular stress at a job when you cooperate with others. He is talented, has a college degree, extremely capable. All his life and since i knew him there is this double "self- esteem show" going on: in words he praises himself very highly and shows value for himself but in action he befriends people with low education or at least low success. He never held a job even before he lost his last one that was up to his abilities, and could be proud of. Even as he worked that job he later lost i told him to go look for another on his day off but he did nothing. Despite several of his work collegues he befriended looked for other jobs while working or when they were fired. It almost looks like he is paralyzed or frozen. I am at my wit's end, and do not know what to do. I want him to use his talent and education, i want him to feel better about himself, i want him to live his life. Any thoughts will be appreciated. Thanks! Title: Re: Need HELP with unemployed BPD Post by: Purplex on March 20, 2019, 05:17:01 PM Maybe he is afraid that he won't be able to live up to his own expectations?
You say he praises himself a lot and his self-esteem is mostly based on his high potential. If he would look for a job that suites his abilities, he would also put himself in a position of possible failure -- a danger to his self-esteem. As long as he doesn't try, he can't fail. By surrounding himself with less educated and successful people he can maintain his status and (superficial) confidence without beeing challenged. Does this make sense? Title: Re: Need HELP with unemployed BPD Post by: Copycat2018 on March 20, 2019, 06:29:39 PM Purplex,
Thank you. That is exactly what i think. Mostly. However, further unfolding the situation he is not in " real " relationships and thus makes no adjustments and does not question whether he does anything that does not work and this is what has a really unfavourable effect on him ( since he is not exposed to any challenges) and it is most unfortunate for me since i am the only one who represents any challenge at all. Needless to say he does not even want to hear about therapy, let alone see a therepist. I am not strong enough to create a real resistance to him, because i live with him. Also, i am not a very brave person. I am in my fifties, not a revolutionary any more. I find myself beaten down by him, when he is stressed he responds by striking out at me. He says very hurtful things for no good reason. I had decided not to get angry and not to respond. This angers him as well. He wants to see the effect. I believe he wants to feel powerful When he drives he expresses to all: "look at me i am superior". He really believes he is superior to others. Especially to me. This is not a position to fight from. I have thought about trying to have a small business in which he would take part but he is unbearable many times and he would alienate clients as well as kill my remaining life force creativity and relationship to my clients. Often he declares his superiority and feels that entitles him to abuse me, the only person who stands by him. Really sad. |