BPDFamily.com

Last week in therapy, we went over the full history of my Mom's life and her current/past behaviors, choices, etc. I felt like I needed to do this to really wrap my mind around where I'm at with her. At the end of it all, my T asked if I'd ever heard of Dependent Personality Disorder (DPD). I hadn't, really. But, my Mom fits all 8 criteria (only 3 are needed). Apparently, BPD and DPD have some similar symptoms and it's often difficult to pick them apart.

And I was like, WOW. And then I was like, OH NO. I love this board. I have gotten so much support here. And, there isn't much out there about DPD, let alone specific support forums.

So here I am. I just wanted to tell you all. I'm still processing everything.

take heart, Recycle. we will certainly continue to support you here 

im a big believer in stressing the differences between disorders, but certainly, there are a lot of aspects of DPD and BPD that can overlap...enmeshment, dependency, fear of abandonment, poor boundaries, low self esteem, sensitivity to criticism, etc.

how do you feel about it all? what, if anything, does this change for you personally?

Hi recycle, and it is good to see you again!  I am going to join Once removed and say that the label does not matter in terms of the support you will get here.  There is a lot of overlap in the behaviors and the tools we use help in every relationship.

My mom had BPD behaviors but my current T believes she was also paranoid schizophrenic.  The support I get and give here does not change.

 

Thank you both! I feel so unequivocally supported here.

I feel confused, uneasy, apathetic, and angry right now.

I want to maintain a relationship with my Mom because I believe it is the right thing to do, especially now that I have developed my own life away from her tight emotional control and enforce strict boundaries. But she is so sick and so emotionally dependent on others that I cannot get close and remain healthy simultaneously. It is very sad. If you wrote our conversations in transcript form without ages noted, they would read like a parent teaching a child about setting small goals and following through on the tasks needed to accomplish said goals.

In short, I feel like I do not have a mother. She has disappeared into her disorder and that's where she's comfortable.

a member here once said "good boundaries are about a relationship that is safe, and works".

obviously, that can mean different things with different people.

what would it look like between your mother and you?

A wise member, that is! And, excellent question.

I have NO clue how to answer it. I have no refrence point. IMHO, our relationship has never met any definition of healthy. And she doesnt seem to grasp the concept of boundaries.

I could talk about what I want our relationship to be like. But I know it will never happen. I wish things weren't so grim.

I have been thinking more about "good boundaries are about a relationship that is safe and works" since my first reply to you, Once Removed. I forgot to focus on my own needs in my relationship with my uDPD/BPD Mom. I was in the FOG.
And, feeling confused because if *I* practice good boundaries, it won't take away her illnesses. I know that is not realistic. In fact, it is not even a conscious thought I typically have. BUT, acting in ways that work towards my desire to "help her heal" is a habit.

For me, a relationship with my Mom that's safe and works would look like:
* Spending time together in-person
  - Not possible due to her chronic pain and agoraphobia, even though our houses are less than a mile apart. She also cancels 99% of the plans we make for me to come over.
* Talking about other things besides her problems
  - When she very occasionally asks how I'm doing, it turns into a conversation about her ("oh, how I wish I could do all of the fun things YOU do!")
* Not talking about all of the people that have done her wrong over the last 35 years, just like everything happened yesterday
* For her to follow through on making plans to do all the things she has identified as needing help with from others to downsize her possessions and move to a one level place
  - Her only shower is in the basement and she can barely use the stairs. So, she has taken to giving herself sponge baths in the upstairs tub w/o any safety rails or seats. She has talked about putting a shower upstairs for 5+ years but never follows through.

Hmmm, am I overly-focused on things *she* needs to do? I'm thinking so. But, they are longstanding patterns of behavior from her that do not allow me to have a healthy relationship with her. And, no boundary I have put up has changed her behavior and I'm starting to believe they won't work. Examples:
* We make plans together that she constantly cancels
* I give her short lists of things I need from her to help her downsize and move, but she never follows through (if 10+ years of not holding up her end of the deal are "never", then there you go)
* I use SET communication and stand firm on things I know I need to stay mentally healthy, like removing the option for her to contact me on FB messenger after she continually used it to verbally abuse me and not respond (it took three "NOs" over 3 months to get her to stop asking)
* End every conversation we have with "I love you and I'm always here for you", regardless, because I want her to always remember those things. They are true, but the latter is becoming more and more difficult to show.

Today was the first day we talked on the phone in 16 days - the longest in my 42 years. Now, that is not long for me, per se, compared to how much I talk on the phone with other family members and friends. But 16 days ago, our last conversation ended with her a bit annoyed after I responded with a simple "I love and support you" after she (for the 30th+ time) told me about how her husband is so lazy, needs an "intervention" from his sisters (wow, triangulation much?) and that she would be following the advice of a previous therapist who told her to "psychologically divorce him". I decided to see how long it would take her to contact me, organically. I'm surprised it went 16 days. But, not once during the call did she ask me how I was or what I was up to. The entire conversation was about her asking me what she had done wrong for me to be so mad at her. Her husband is facing a long surgery in about one month, and everything she mentioned about him in the conversation was to collect support for how hard this is for HER emotionally.

Thanks for sticking with this long post! 

Hi Recycle.  It is hard to realize we will never have a healthy relationship with our parent.  It hurts at first but eventually accepting that truth will lead to less pain, or it did for me.  I stopped expecting my mom to be something she was just not capable of being.

Boundaries do work.  What they don't do is change other people or how they behave.  Boundaries change us and allow us to respond rather than react.  They protect us while allowing us to live according to our values.

Let's take a look here:
 Examples:
* We make plans together that she constantly cancels  She is who she is and the chances of her changing are slim.  What can you change at your end?
* I give her short lists of things I need from her to help her downsize and move, but she never follows through (if 10+ years of not holding up her end of the deal are "never", then there you go)  I think giving her 10 years to change is pretty generous... and possibly a sign that you are still holding onto hope that she will change.  What can you do differently at your end?
* I use SET communication and stand firm on things I know I need to stay mentally healthy, like removing the option for her to contact me on FB messenger after she continually used it to verbally abuse me and not respond (it took three "NOs" over 3 months to get her to stop asking) Excellent!  It will take multiple talks to get her to stop.  Boundaries rarely work in one shot and once you do see a change, it is not unusual to have to repeat it later.  The thing is to stand firm and the times you have to repeat it will often, not always though, reduce.  This is one of the exceptions of boundaries not changing others behaviors... but the change began with you.  You said not, you stayed consistent over time     
* End every conversation we have with "I love you and I'm always here for you", regardless, because I want her to always remember those things. They are true, but the latter is becoming more and more difficult to show.  If you are no longer able to truthfully say i am always here for you stop saying it.  Besides, are you really always there for her even when she is verbally abusing you?  Or when she is doing something else that violates your boundaries?  How can we change what yousay so that it is more accurate and in line with your values and boundaries and expectations?

Your mom will focus on her, her feelings, her experiences, etc.  I am sorry to hear about her husbands surgery.  That is difficult to put it mildly.  It is even harder when the people who are supposed to care can't see past their own self.  I would find that frustrating as well.  I would also find it hurtful/frustrating i she went 16 days without calling me and then never talked about anything but herself... wait... I did find it frustrating.  My mom did the same and it sucked.  How can you re-frame this for yourself though?

Keep talking with us and lets see where we can take this.