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My 16 year-old daughter and I were stuck in a rut.  She would claim that the downstairs bathroom was ours.  I would respond that it was a family space.  She would request items for her room.  I would respond that we gave her a budget for her room.  On and on went the dance.

She can be very mature and responsible.  She has a cupboard in kitchen with her food and dishes.  I initiated that we start setting her up with her spaces in the house helping her to prepare for her own place.  She has the downstairs bathroom and living room.   We bought her a dorm fridge and containers for her bedroom.  She spent over the week cleaning her bedroom which was an enormous undertaking.

She requested more items for her bedroom.  We agreed to a win/win of finding ways to save money in the household budget that would go towards her room improvement.  I have not felt much hope for change in recent years.  The focus on: JADE, Walking on Eggshells, and ACTUP, really is showing positive changes and I feel hopeful!  Thank you for the support and recommendations.       
   

Way to go Dake!  Glad to hear you're finding the communication tools helpful and you feel more hopeful with the changes you can make. Flipped the Script made me smile cos it is SO true.

something to foster further, work to your DD's strengths.  

How are you getting on with validation?

WDx

Can someone point me in the direction to find "Flipped the Script" and ACTUP .  Thanks

Sorry, the acronym was SET-UP (support, empathy, truth, understanding, persistence):

https://www.verywellmind.com/support-empathy-truth-set-for-borderline-personality-425229



 

To flip the script is to change your thinking, how you frame something, or to change your approach:

 https://www.melissaclarkcounseling.com/blog/flipyourthinkingscript

Thanks!

Hi Wendy Darling,

I judge that in this conversation with my daughter that I was validating, and that the conversation went much better as a result.  I'm starting to hear in my head how I would have engaged in JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, and Engage) and how for her this is invalidating.  My daughter, who has spent over 8 years in counseling and who is very open to counseling, has stated to me that we each have our perspective neither one of which is untrue.  With help from my wife, I'm growing in framing the issue from our daughter's perspective.  I'm supportive of a family systems approach to counseling.  The encouraging piece of this is that I'm motivated to change and that as I change my relationship to my daughter changes as well as she changes.   This is a hopeful versus a hopeless feeling!           

Thanks for the post I found the SET-UP a useful template which I rtied almost as soon as reading this and I will use it in future.