BPDFamily.com

Caught her texting her ex boyfriend from decades ago. Trashed our entire marriage. Arranged to meet with him while I was out of town. She consented to therapy only after I threatened to leave. It’s been three months now. There has been no change in her behavior and I believe the affair still lives.

That's brutal.  When I was dating the woman who later became the mother of my children,  she started texting the ex she wasn't over.  It hurt a lot and I thought she didn't see it.  

What happened in therapy? Was there stuff to work on that she refused? Were you supposed to work on things? My T told me,  "these things [affairs] typically take a while to die down."

Therapy has been unproductive. She latches on the every word that allows her to avoid responsibility for the affair. That Dave Carder book... Torn Asunder emphasizes the message in the affair.   That’s all she wants to focus on which allows her to escape responsibility for her infidelity. She repeatedly paints our marriage as a total failure which only serves to justify her infidelity.  The NPD component is strong and her inability to bear her own shame and to empathize with the destruction that she has caused makes reconciliation impossible at this point. I am a person of faith and a defender of the permanence of marriage. I just ordered the book the High conflict couple hoping that It will provide some insights on dealing with this long term without me loosing my identity. .

This is a terribly difficult situation.  Do you know what you want to do?  On one hand you are a defender of the permanence of marriage but on the other hand you wrote that reconciliation is impossible at this point.  It sounds like you might be in a bind.  What happens if nothing changes, she continues to see the marriage as a failure, the affair continues, and she refuses to accept any responsibility?   

I don’t know... right now I’m just trying to maintain my character in the middle of all the foolishness. That’s all that I can control. I’ve learned a lot from reading this site overnight. Especially, about conflict resolution and my own tendencies towards logic and failing to validate emotions even if they are not anchored in my reality. I’m going stop contesting the small issues and focus on marital harmony. The nature of most affairs by BPD and npd is that they burnout over time. In the meantime, I’m just planking and focusing on making my home as happy as possible. The constant fighting is without a doubt self defeating.

Everything you wrote makes a lot of sense.  Validation can be amazingly effective at diffusing a difficult situation. 

I hope you are also thinking about what you need to take care of yourself.  In this type of situation we often get so wrapped up in what's going with our BPD loved ones that we lose site of our needs. Your user name, "Breakingpoint!" gives me the impression of someone who is stretched to their limit by an intolerable situation.  I'm glad you're in couples counseling.  Have you considered going to individual therapy too?   Taking care of ourselves is just as important as taking care of our partners and our relationships.  If individual therapy is not an option, you could looking into NAMI or CODA meetings in your area.  In the beginning it was difficult for me to understand, my relationship couldn't get better if I didn't take care of myself.